Why I could never be a Modern Fiction Novel Heroine

Let’s call her Tiffany.  Nah, too twee.  How about Jen.  Meet our

fiction heroine, Jen.  She’s a modern girl. Has her own condo. Drives a car. Lives in the city. Has a meaningful job.  All in all, a typical modern heroine of a fiction novel.    

Sounds reasonable, but I couldn’t be her.  I’m all for ‘suspension of disbelief’ in fantasy, but my world requires more human elements.  To wit:

THINGS THAT BUG ME ABOUT MODERN FICTIONAL HEROINES

1.  They look great all the time.

By this I mean: she gets up in the morning, perfect quaffed.  She dons clothes for her work day.  Maybe goes for a jog.  And spends absolutely no time in front of the mirror swabbing on makeup or doing her hair.  Did you ever notice fiction novel heroines look great in the morning without doing anything?  They may have a shit-load of angst about their personal lives, but apparently, they have Barbie doll hair.

As of immediately, name of heroine is changed to Barbie.

2.  They never eat.

Oh, they got out to dinner a lot.  You may even hear them order food.  But when it comes, do they ever eat it?  No! Barbie is far too busy arguing with her dinner companion, and then getting upset.

So many books, so many meals where our intrepid plucky heroine says, “oh my, I’m so upset, I couldn’t eat a thing.”

What is it with these feeble women who can’t eat?  Who the hell are they?  What do they exist on? 

When I’m upset, I eat, dammit.  Gotta fuel up for the famine that’s going to come sometime in the next 400 years.

If I hear another TSTL heroine say she’s too upset to eat, I’m going to shove the virtual dinner in her vapid virtual face and watch her choke to death.  Oh.  But then someone would have to rescue her.

EAT THE DAMN MEAL.

3.  They never go to the bathroom.

Twenty-four hours a day, we’re with this dame.  Does she ever go to the loo?  I mean, for other than a quick swipe of lipstick and a gabfest with friends?

Do none of these women have periods?

Do they not have to offload some by-products?  EVER?

Oh right.  Barbie is always too upset to eat a thing.  Therefore, nothing to offload. What was I thinking?

Cranky author disclosure:  Just so you know, Gina Gallo of The Goddaughter series loves her food.  You’ll see her eat it.  She sneaks off to the bathroom (offstage, so don’t freak.)  She looks like shit in the morning. Just like me.  Even Rowena of my fantasy books goes to the outhouse and enjoys her meals.  (Not at the same time.)

"Before you go on your next blind date, read this" - WORST DATE EVER!

 
 SHORT EXCERPT from Date #3:

Scott stared across the table at me.  His eyes were concentrating fiercely. He must have approved, because then he smiled for the first time.  A thin, satisfied smile.  No teeth showing.

“Let’s get right to it then, shall we?” he said.  I watched as he pulled a sheet of paper from the inside pocket of his jacket.  He carefully unfolded it.  Then he took out a pen.

He read from the sheet in front of him.  “The company may decide to move me to New York.  Would you be willing to move to another city with me?”  His eyes lifted to meet mine.

I gulped.  “Is that a check-list?”

“Yes.” He said apologetically.  “I know.  How embarrassing to use paper.  But Mom doesn’t trust computers.”

Mom?  His mom wrote a checklist?

“Great for anyone who enjoys zipping through a lighthearted read in a single, short sitting." BOOKLIST

  

NOW AVAILABLE!  Chapters/Indigo, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, independent bookstores, Amazon, Kobo, iTunes, and all the usual suspects.


One of the dates in this book really happened to the author.  Can you guess which one?
To find out, (and for buy links) click the Worst Date Ever menu tab above.

Gina and the hilarious Hamilton mob are back! OPENING to THE GODDAUGHTER'S REVENGE (out Oct. 1)

THE GODDAUGHTER'S REVENGE launches Oct. 1 in Chapters/Indigo, independent book stores, Barnes&Noble, and Amazon.

Little known fact:  This opening to THE GODDAUGHTER'S REVENGE scored highly in the Daphne Dumaurier Kiss of Death contest, with two judges giving it a near-perfect score.

THE GODDAUGHTER'S REVENGE

Chapter 1

Okay, I admit it. I would rather be the proud possessor of a rare gemstone than a lakefront condo with parking. Yes, I know this makes me weird. Young women today are supposed to crave the security of owning their own home.

But I say, real estate, shmeel estate. You can’t hold an address in your hand. It doesn’t flash and sparkle with the intensity of a thousand night stars. It will never lure you away from the straight and narrow like a siren from some Greek odyssey.

Let’s face it. Nobody has ever gone to jail for smuggling a one bedroom plus den out of the country.
 
However, make that a 10-carat cyan blue topaz with a past as long as your arm, and I’d do almost anything to possess it.

But don’t tell the police.

 

Buy links: 
Amazon
Chapters

IT'S HERE! ROWENA AND THE DARK LORD, book 2 in the Land's End fantasy series

Now available: ROWENA AND THE DARK LORD! book 2 in the Land's End fantasy series. Reviews:
"Game of Thrones Lite"
"The Princess Bride with Sex"

 For a very limited time, ebook available at the special introductory price of .99! (will retail at 3.99)

Paperback coming soon.
http://www.amazon.com/Rowena-Dark-Lord-Lands-ebook/dp/B00CIZZS70

"Swords, sex and comedy...can it get any better than that!" Former Editor Distant Suns Fantasy Magazine

 

  AND THERE'S MORE! Cyberparty with HUGE giveaways on MAY 1!  Details coming soon.

ROWENA THROUGH THE WALL *free* today on Amazon!

Like comic time travel?  Here is the latest review blurb:

"A cross between Diana Gabaldon and Janet Evanovich - hilarious!"

Pick up Rowena (2nd edition with an additional 40 pages) FREE

Here's the link: 

http://tinyurl.com/6p2vhgr

What's Behind YOUR Wall?

(Cursor down for Contest)

Have you ever needed to escape your life for even a little while? 

Rowena Through the Wall came about because I needed to find a world to escape to in order to cope with things happening in my own life that I could not control.

I was sitting in the hospital by my mother’s bedside in the palliative care ward.  For the 36^th time, she had been admitted to hospital, dying.  Thirty-five times, they had brought her back to life.  This time…

I have no sisters and my only brother is autistic.  The burden of care was mine to bear and this time the weight of it was almost too much.  I looked at the dreary hospital room wall and wished I could walk through it to another world.  That night, Rowena got her start.

Every day, I would go to work, then run to the hospital for my ‘shift’ with Mom.  When they kicked me out, I would dash home, and escape into the world that I could control.

The world of Rowena Through the Wall.

Rowena falls through her classroom wall into a medieval world, and the adventures start almost immediately.  At my mother’s bedside, I would play a little game of  ‘what’s the worst thing that could happen to Rowena now?’  Or – ‘what’s the funniest thing – what’s the craziest thing?’   I would jot these ideas down in a journal in between attending to my mother’s personal care chores, and then, when home late at night, I would start writing.

I didn’t get much sleep during this time.  I couldn’t sleep anyway because of Mom, so why not put those sleepless hours to good use?  Each new adventure Rowena had gave me a burst of energy that helped me deal with news that got worse and worse. 

I could control the world of Rowena.  I could satisfy my need for escape by putting Rowena in dangerous and sometimes riotous situations that she could use her wits to get out of.  I could live vicariously through my heroine.

They sent my mother home to die, and she didn’t.  She is nearly blind, on oxygen and failing again, but last week I put the paperback of Rowena Through the Wall into her hands.  And now I am half way through book two of the series.

CONTEST CHALLENGE!

What’s behind your wall?

Everyone needs an imaginary escape.

If you could walk through a portal in your wall, what would you find at the other side?

Comment here with what’s behind your wall!  One lucky person, drawn randomly, will win two free ebooks!  Contest ends July 31.

David Wisehart Interviews Melodie Campbell for Kindle Author!

Thank you, David, for the lovely interview on Kindle Author!  Mere days before the release of Rowena Through the Wall in trade paperback. (Watch for the announcement.)

Do click on this interview link - comments welcome!
http://kindle-author.blogspot.com/2011/06/kindle-author-interview-melodie.html

Rowena Through the Wall now available on Smashwords and Amazon.com!

Review of Rowena Through the Wall by Midwest Book Review

"Thus begins one of the most fabulous fantasy adventures I've ever read"

Impossible to put down! I’m panting, like a love-starved Cinderella!

Wow—author Melodie Campbell is certainly versatile! Some time ago, when I read a short horror story by her in an Alfred Hitchcock magazine, I never thought I’d see her name on a thrilling romance novel. But what a pleasure it turns out to be…

Just as Campbell had me biting my nails till the end of her horror story, with Rowena Through the Wall she has me panting for my own Prince, like a love-starved Cinderella.

Campbell hooked me from the first scene when the main protagonist, college instructor Rowena Revel, gets the shock of her life when a handsome hunk of a man appears in her classroom. He’s dressed in medieval attire and carrying a sword… something out of the most romantic fantasy she’s ever read. When she approaches him, he gets the shock of his life by the fact she can see him. When she speaks to him, he disappears right before her eyes.

Neither realize that Rowena’s classroom wall is the magic portal that leads to the man’s alternate world, so they are both baffled. Row starts having sexy dreams of gorgeous, tunic-clad men in a rugged country, but when they start walking through that wall at ease, her curiosity gets the best of her. Inevitably, when she begins investigating the wall, she accidentally falls through into an alternate universe where she is kidnapped, not once, but twice.

According to the book’s pre-publicity “the stakes get higher as the men get hotter.” Well, if that isn’t a line to keep even the least romantic woman reading, I don’t know what is! I tell you, this author is good!

Thus begins one of the most fabulous fantasy adventures I’ve ever read. Not only is this a romantic comedy, it’s also a thriller with Row’s future at stake. Besides the obvious sexual reasons, why do these handsome men need Row so badly? Why do they vie for her attention? How in the world does she “accidentally” marry her cousin Ivan? How does Cedric fit into the picture? Is his heart really as black as the magic he practices? And how does she feel about the most glorious male of them all—Thane the Viking?

As if that isn’t enough, throw in a Goth-student who follows Row through the portal. Do her actions place her teacher in even more danger? If so, it’s a good thing they can go back through the portal—or can they?

To find the answers, you’ll have to read this top-notch book for yourself. I promise you a fun, sexy time fraught with enough adventures with gorgeous males to last a lifetime.

This is a hot, hilarious, romantic fantasy that enthralls you from the first line. If you enjoy Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, you'll adore Rowena and her riotous romps in an alternate world…

What I’d like to ask this author is: Just where is MY wall?

Review by Betty Dravis, June 5, 2011
Author of “Dream Reachers II” (with Chase Von) and other books

Rowena Through the Wall (Imajin Books) - ebook available later this month on Amazon.com and other retailers. Paperback coming in July.