Let’s call her Tiffany.
Nah, too twee. How about
Jen. Meet our
fiction heroine, Jen. She’s a modern girl. Has her own condo. Drives
a car. Lives in the city. Has a meaningful job.
All in all, a typical modern heroine of a fiction novel.
Sounds reasonable, but I couldn’t be her. I’m all for ‘suspension of disbelief’ in
fantasy, but my world requires more human elements. To wit:
THINGS THAT BUG ME ABOUT MODERN FICTIONAL HEROINES
1. They look great all the time.
By this I mean: she gets up in the morning,
perfect quaffed. She dons clothes for
her work day. Maybe goes for a jog. And spends absolutely no time in front of the
mirror swabbing on makeup or doing her hair.
Did you ever notice fiction novel heroines look great in the morning without
doing anything? They may have a
shit-load of angst about their personal lives, but apparently, they have Barbie
As of immediately, name of heroine is
changed to Barbie.
2. They never eat.
Oh, they got out to dinner a lot. You may even hear them order food. But when it comes, do they ever eat it? No! Barbie is far too busy arguing with her
dinner companion, and then getting upset.
So many books, so many meals where our
intrepid plucky heroine says, “oh my, I’m so upset, I couldn’t eat a thing.”
What is it with these feeble women who can’t
eat? Who the hell are they? What do they exist on?
When I’m upset, I eat, dammit. Gotta fuel up for the famine that’s going to
come sometime in the next 400 years.
If I hear another TSTL heroine say she’s
too upset to eat, I’m going to shove the virtual dinner in her vapid virtual
face and watch her choke to death.
Oh. But then someone would have to
EAT THE DAMN MEAL.
never go to the bathroom.
Twenty-four hours a day, we’re with this
dame. Does she ever go to the loo? I mean, for other than a quick swipe of
lipstick and a gabfest with friends?
Do none of these women have periods?
Do they not have to offload some by-products? EVER?
Barbie is always too upset to eat a thing. Therefore, nothing to offload. What was I
Cranky author disclosure: Just so you know, Gina Gallo of The
Goddaughter series loves her food. You’ll
see her eat it. She sneaks off to the
bathroom (offstage, so don’t freak.) She
looks like shit in the morning. Just like me.
Even Rowena of my fantasy books goes to the outhouse and enjoys her
meals. (Not at the same time.)