I was recently asked to re-post this. Obviously, we need a zany alternative to the news. So here goes, with apologies to sane people everywhere.
Books I will Never Write: Dino Porn
By Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl, who wishes this could have been posted on April 1, even though it's largely true)
Apparently, I have been sounding too normal these days. There have been complaints. The following is an attempt to rectify that.
People pay money for the weirdest reads. Don’t believe me?
Yes, you heard that right. This is a ‘thing.’ No, I don’t mean porn that randy male dinosaurs might read, involving somewhat sassy females of the same species who like a good time. Last I checked, dinosaurs couldn’t read. Not even the urban ones.
But I’m not here to talk about that. I’m not even going to talk about the weirdness of someone wanting to write about sexual relations between a human of today and a creature that might possibly have become extinct during an ice storm back in the good old days. All writers are weird. Some are more weird than others (thank you, George Orwell.)
Nope. I want to talk about the blatant inequity in the dinosaur porn field. Not only that, in ALL areas of human/not-even-remotely-human erotica.
Don’t believe me? Have you noticed that all these erotic books that star humans and some other race like Vampires or Werewolves or Aliens or Ducks (hey! Has it been done?) always feature a girl with the Vampire or Werewolf? Or, in our case, a girl with the T-Rex?
Why is it always that way around? Never do you see a young man being pursued by, say, a randy female dino. I have to assume female dinos are more discriminating.
Still, in the interests of fair play, I offer my version of Dino porn:
It might go like this:
“La, la, lalalala, la, lala, la, la…” <innocent young female stegosaurus frolics among the Precambrian (whatever) wild-flowers, unaware that she is about to be approached from behind>
“Hey hey,” says healthy male homo sapien, who obviously time-traveled here from another era. “You on Tinder, babe?”
“Tinder?” says Steggy-gal, unfamiliar with the vernacular. “Isn’t this a grassland?”
“How about I just show you my equipment?” says creepy guy, who might possibly be blind. “I’ll just take it out here…oops, no. That’s my phone.”
“Oh! There’s a butterfly!” says Steggy-gal, easily distracted.
“HA,” says creep, lining up to do the dirty. “Bet ya never had it like THIS before!”
“Gee, these flies are a nuisance,” says Steggy, batting the annoyance away with her spiked tale. "Why do they always hang around THAT end…”
Okay, enough pastiche-ing around. It’s discrimination, pure and simple. Okay, maybe not pure. And possibly more complicated than simple. All those apendages… which reminds me. Girl with a Squid comes out in 2021.
Melodie Campbell writes some pretty wild comedy. She even gets paid to do it, by poor unsuspecting publishers. Check out her many series at Books in the menu above.