Thursday 27 October 2016

She's BACK! Just in time for Halloween…More from Morticia’s Massage Parlour and Advice Academy

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND (thanks, Mom!)  The wacky advice column they used to pay me to write, back when people had lots of enthusiasm but absolutely no taste ...

Try Morticia’s relaxing noose therapy (patent pending)
We’ll have you dead calm in minutes…

Dear Morticia
I am a novice writer attempting my first novel.  Can you give me any advice?
Signed, Steven Kingsley

Dear Steve;
To be honest, I’m not much of a fiction writer.  I have lots of great plots, but sadly, my characters are lifeless.

Dear Morticia;
Are you personally acquainted with any spirits?
Signed, Tele Pathic

Dear Tel;
Natch. I’ve gotten to know Jack Daniels quite well over the years.  I’m also acquainted with Johnny Walker (…deadly for long spells, frankly my dear).

Dear Morticia;
Whatever shall I do?  My eighty year old father has just been arrested for exposing himself – do you think they can make it stick?
Signed, Aghast in Agincourt

Dear Ag;
Couldn’t say for sure.  I once knew a ghost who was caught flashing, but they couldn’t pin anything on him.

Dear Morticia;
I’m a firm believer in the Occult and participate regularly in séances.  Are you a medium?
Signed, Spirtually Inclined

Dear Inc;
Nope, I’m a large.  Especially where it counts, hon.

Dear Morticia;
Do you actually get all this ridiculous mail, or do you make it up yourself?
Signed Skeptic

Dear Skep;
Of course I don’t make it up!  I have a ghostwriter.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books.  Please buy them, or she will continue to post more Morticia, and it will be all your fault.

Sunday 23 October 2016

How do I know if ROWENA AND THE DARK LORD is the right read for me? (Zany excerpt)

I rose to my feet and turned to the east as the spell book instructed.
“What is she doing?”
Lars’s voice. What was he doing here?
I chanted the words from the book in my hand, silently, beneath my breath. Then I chanted them once more, louder and with confidence. My voice became richer, louder, resonating in my ears.
Whoosh. The ground trembled. The air in front of us seemed to swirl, clouding my view of the field ahead. A grey mist rose from the ground, thick with dust or soot, obliterating all vision.
I stood rock still, hardly able to breathe.
The mist swirled. I heard men yelling—coarse shouts over the ring of steel on steel, then an eerie silence. It put chills up my spine. Lars muttered something at my side. Gareth stood stock still. Loki moved up against me. We waited.
Men’s voices again, echoing like souls lost in a fog. The mist lifted in one swift movement to disappear into nothingness. In its place, were at least a hundred men.
Bugger. I messed up.
“Houston, we have a problem,” I said out loud. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I must have pronounced one of the spell words wrong.
“Who is Houston?” Lars said.
“Romans!” Gareth hissed. He drew his sword.
“Romans?” I stared at the battle-scarred men before us. They looked exhausted. They also looked bloody, dirty and rather short. Not to mention confused.
How the heck could they be Romans?
Someone yelled “Form Square!” in—yup—that was Latin.
“What the hell?” I stared. The men came to life moving with purpose into a square. Within seconds we were facing a shield wall bristling with spears.
Gareth and Lars already had their swords drawn. They tried to move in front of me but I spread my arms to hold them back.
“Sheath your weapons,” I commanded.
They hesitated, eyeing the wall of men and knives.
“For crissake,” I insisted, “what do you expect to do against that, besides get us all killed?”
With reluctance the swords slid back into their scabbards.
The man on the horse wore a breastplate the sort of armor that you only saw in museums back home. Or movies. I was reminded of Cleopatra starring Elizabeth Taylor. Richard Burton playing the part of Marc Antony.
Hoo boy.
The man on horseback stared at me. No stirrups on his saddle. A helmet that was in history books. Definitely Roman. I stared back at him.
Romans? In this time? What the poop had I done?
“It’s a freaking temporal rift!” My laugh was strident. “Where the hell is Spock when you need him?”


Friday 21 October 2016

FREE! ROWENA AND THE DARK LORD..."Seriously Twisted History" "Hilarious"

Here's the SALE ad as it appears on BookLemur, under Science Fiction and Fantasy (see post below this for link to Amazon)

Thursday 20 October 2016

Seriously twisted history! Rowena 'brings forth' a Roman Legion

FREE for the next 5 days!

with 42 reviews in US and Can., a 4.7 star average
“swords, magic, a Roman legion lost in time…great series”   

"Welcome to the world of Lords, Vikings &one half-witch who falls head first, skirts flying,into the middle of it..."

"I ran the gambit of emotions, laughed out loud a lot and even shed a tear or two. Anyone who enjoys a rollicking good time with hunky men, testy animals, and one plucky woman will love this book, I did."

 "Another lovely humourous romp that is sure to bring a lot of laughs to while away an enjoyable evening!"


Note from author:  Can an author have a favourite book?  Books are like our children!  And yet, I get asked this often.  If I had to pick a favourite fantasy book of mine, this would be it.  I adore Valentine, the wizard, who really wants to be a dress designer.  I love that Kendra has grown so much as a character.  And I'm particularly partial to the Roman Legion Rowena has 'brought forth' by mistake.
"Where is Spock when you need him?"
Twisted history, indeed!

Thursday 13 October 2016

How Characters Create their Own Brand of Funny - Guest Post by Lisa de Nikolits

A word (okay, a pile of them) from Melodie:
Readers of the Bad Girl Blog know that I celebrate all kinds of humour, from the broad comedy of my Goddaughter series, to the quirky humour that can tumble into a book unexpectedly and delight us all.

My friend and fellow Mesdames Lisa de Nikolits writes on the literary end of the scale.  I invite you to read the following excerpt from The Nearly Girl, and then below it, her engaging post, "How Characters Create their own Brand of Funny."  As always, I am astonished and delighted by Lisa's honesty and unique style.  Enjoy!

Excerpt from The Nearly Girl, by Lisa de Nikolits

Dr. Carroll looked around the room. “There was a lot of violence in this room last week— …. But wait, where’s Whitney and Joanne?”

“Having sex in the toilet,” Alexei said, morosely. “I was nothing to her. I was just sex that meant nothing. And look at her, a fat housewife, and me, I have such beauty.” He growled to show his manhood and his displeasure.

“They’re still in there?” Dr. Carroll looked at his watch. “Who’s going to go and get them this time?”

“I will,” Alexei jumped to his feet but Dr. Carroll leapt up and blocked his path.

“Not a good idea”, he said. “Time for you to do the opposite thing. I am sure you want to hit them—”

“I want to kill them!”

“So you are going to do the opposite thing. You are going to sit down and forgive them and love them and wish them happiness. Look at it like this: you’re a spectacular specimen of manhood. You could get any girl you want, why get hung up on a middle-aged neurotic woman?”

“Because I love her! And she loves me! I thought she would leave her husband and be with me and we would have sex with each other six times a day and have babies and be happy.”

“You can be as happy with somebody else,” Dr. Carroll insisted.

“Six times a day,” Shannon murmured, and she sat up straighter in her chair.

“The only trouble is,” Alexei said pointedly to Shannon, “I like blondes. Be a blonde next week and maybe we can try.”

Shannon looked like she was ready to leave right then and there to go and address the issue of her hair at the nearest hairdresser’s.

“Sit down, Shannon,” Dr. Carroll said tiredly. “I’ll go and get them. Please, everyone, sit still and wait, preferably in silence.”

Mike took hold of Amelia’s hand again and they sat there, contentedly silent.

Alexei gave a few low growls now and then while Ainsley told Persephone about how worried she was that someone would cut off her finger in a McDonald’s in order to steal her ring.

“Any luck with the hoarding?” Shannon asked Angelina who sighed.

“I tried to gather a tiny bag — just one little plastic bag and fill it with junk and throw it out. It took me two days to get the bag filled. And then I couldn’t throw it away. I put it in a corner of my bedroom and left it there.”

“It’s good that you tried.”

“That’s nice of you to say so, honey, but it’s not the truth. I’ve done that before and in fact, even better. I can package the stuff up but I can’t give it away.”

“What do you think will happen if you do give it away?”

“I feel like I will go crazy unless I get it back.”

“Angelina, we don’t use the expression ‘go crazy’,” Dr. Carroll said, returning to the room with Whitney and Joanne in tow. “We say ‘experience a psychotic break’.”

“Yeah, that’s got a much more sympathetic ring to it,” Persephone said. “Certainly reassures me.”

“Deconstruct the term ‘go crazy’.” Dr. Carroll said. “What do you think it means? It means that your psyche loses touch with reality. In other words, your psyche experiences a breakdown. Going crazy is such a loose phrase. It can encompass so many of the mild and ordinary sins of daily life.

“Now,” he said, “I do want to check in with all of you, but first I’d like us to meditate. We need to lower the anger level and lower the testosterone in the room. We need try to dispel the feelings of blame and self-hatred. To this end, we shall empty our minds and hearts and we shall focus upon a lowly piece of fruit. We will engage our energies in studying this mild-mannered unsung hero:, the crone of the vineyards, the wrinkled doyen of the magisterial court; behold, the raisin!”

“I hate raisins,” Mike spoke up, and was soon supported by David, Shannon, and Persephone.

“Come now,” Dr. Carroll raised his eyebrows. “Are you not open to new experiences albeit it with old partners? Do not make the mistake in life that each encounter with an individual will be the same. Give your friendships with food and men and women more credence than that. Each time you meet a person, or a dish of food, or even a book you’ve read many times before, say, ‘hello Hello new friend, what lessons can you teach me today?’”

Alexei gave a snort. “I sure was surprised last week,” he said, glaring at Whitney. “She gutted me like a fish, no mercy, no care. That was a new surprise. You got that right.”

“Let’s move on,” Dr. Carroll said. “One day, Alexei, you will thank Whitney for what she did. You embraced sex rather than anger and that was good. But then you got too attached to the specific host of the sexual experience as opposed to discovering that the sexual experience is a transcendent act that unites the yin and yang of our human selves. You need to let go of attachment, and find the opposite of that, and the opposite of attachment is love and forgiveness. You see how everything is leading you away from anger and hate?”

“You talk so much!” Alexei moaned, his head in his hands. “I can’t listen to so many words, you’re killing me!”

“No more talking, at least for a while,” Dr. Carroll assured him. “Time to meditate and find new meaning in old things. Everybody, hold out your hands.”

How characters create their own brand of funny. 

by Lisa De Nikolits

I am not a funny writer. I am not a funny person. And if I am, I am funny by mistake. I feel that I lack a sense of humour in general – I am always the last one to catch the joke and most of the time, the joke has to be explained to me. I avoid watching comedies because I find them stressful – the level of chaos upsets me and I just want the misunderstandings and disasters to be over and done with and for everything to be alright! Also, the pressure to get a joke and laugh — it’s all too much!

I do enjoy reading comedy (I love Melodie’s books!) but even reading humorous books makes me feel tense – I get far more stressed and anxious reading something funny, than a fast-pace thriller with axe-wielding murderers rushing about, which I actually find quite relaxing!

But this book, The Nearly Girl, remarkably, is funny. Well, parts of it are. There are parts that are heartbreaking and while I never fail to laugh at the funny bits, the heartbreaking parts leave me equally as moved, no matter how many times I read them.

Shortly before the book goes to press, the author has read and reread the work countless times and sometimes one does weary of that but it never happened with this novel; each time I started The Nearly Girl, I was just delighted to be hanging out with the characters and it never got old.

And at one point, during the edits, my editor Luciana Ricciutelli commented that a certain chapter was absolutely hilarious and I was so happy – it wasn’t just me who thought it was funny!

So, some of the characters in this book do crack me up but since I don’t set out with the goal of trying to make them funny, it’s an interesting question as to where it comes from, that element of humour.

As a writer, I am very character-driven and therefore to a large degree, the characters shape the plot and, of course, the tone of the dialogue. I have a vague outline of a story when I start out but the characters dictate the action and the outcome of the story.

The characters all come from somewhere, there is always something that sparks them off and mvery first inspiration for The Nearly Girl came about in 1984.

1984 was, as those of you who were around at that time would agree, a stellar year for shoulder pads, Bananarama, Wham! (yes, still with George Michael), Billy Ocean and Bryan Adams’ Summer of ’69. TV shows were all fired up: Magnum, P.I., Dynasty, Falcon Crest, Hill Street Blues, Cheers, Knight Rider and The A-Team. Cindy Crawford, Elle Macpherson, Brooke Shields and my own personal fav, Paulina Porizkova, were hot on the covers of Elle and Marie Claire. Hair was big, jeans were pleated and the fashions will never see a revival, as dreadful as they were but there’s no doubt, we were living large and loving every moment!

And none of that has anything to do with The Nearly Girl.

But one book did. The Dice Man. Penned by George Cockcroft under the pen name of Luke Rhinehart, the novel is about a psychiatrist who makes decisions for himself and his patients according to the cast of the dice. Hailed as a cult classic that would change your life, it did change mine. I read it in 1984 and it made me want to write a book of my own with a crazed psychiatrist with his own therapeutic methods of treatment.

My own exploration of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (a core theme in The Nearly Girl) came about when I was trying to untangle my issues with insomnia and claustrophobia. This led to the creation of my character Dr. Frances Carroll and his therapy called D.T.O.T. which is Do The Opposite Thing.

And one day, mulling over my problem(s) and feeling super-annoyed with myself for having said problems, I snapped at myself – ‘just stop it! Just do the opposite thing and you will be cured! Just sleep! Just get in elevators, just go on subways, just get on planes!’

Of course, not being a qualified therapist, this did not achieve the desired result BUT it did spawn my dearly beloved Dr. Frances Carroll of The Nearly Girl, and he is one of my favourite characters to date.

Such a nutter! And yet, so funny. Well, I think he is hilarious and I hope readers will too but I shouldn’t set expectations about the book in any shape or form – some readers may find him dangerous, or annoying and think he should be locked up. All of these observations would also be correct.

I imagined Paul Giamatti as the good doctor and it was a combination of his character in Sideways and Barney’s Version that came together in my mind.
There are other characters too, who add to the humour; Alexei, the anger-filled hunky Russian, Whitney, the sex-crazed middle-aged housewife, and Gino who really wanted to be called Gina and dress up in his mother’s clothing.

Readers, I have no idea if you will find the book to be funny. Either way, I hope you will let me know, I’d love to hear what you think.

One last thing I’d like to add is that I love attending book clubs, so if you’d be interested in having me at your book club, along with my characters, that would be fantastic!

I also do a lot readings at the Toronto Public Library and other places, so if you’d like to catch a live reading and meet me in person, please check out my website, as all the events are listed there, along with reviews, photographs and all kinds of interesting information. Thank you!


Originally from South Africa, Lisa de Nikolits has lived in Canada since 2000. She has a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and Philosophy and has lived in the U.S.A., Australia and Britain. Lisa lives and writes in Toronto. The Nearly Girl is her sixth novel. Previous works include: The Hungry Mirror (2011 IPPY Awards Gold Medal for Women's Issues Fiction and long-listed for a ReLit Award); West of Wawa (2012 IPPY Silver Medal Winner for Popular Fiction and a Chatelaine Editor's Pick); A Glittering Chaos (tied to win the 2014 Silver IPPY for Popular Fiction); The Witchdoctor’s Bones launched in Spring 2014 to literary acclaim. Between The Cracks She Fell  was reviewed by the Quill & Quire, was on the recommended reading lists for Open Book Toronto and 49th Shelf. Between The Cracks She Fell was also reviewed by Canadian Living magazine and called ‘a must-read book of 2015’. Between The Cracks She Fell won a Bronze IPPY Award 2016 for Contemporary Fiction. No Fury Like That is scheduled to be published in 2017 and Rotten Peaches in 2018. All books by Inanna Publications.

Lisa has a short story in Postscripts To Darkness, Volume 6, 2015, and flash fiction and a short story in the debut issue of Maud.Lin House as well as poetry in the Canadian Women Studies Journal (Remembering, 2013, and Water, 2015). Her short stories have also appeared on Lynn Crosbie’s site, Hood and the Jellyfish Review. She has a short story coming out in the anthology PAC’HEAT, a Ms. Pac-Man noir collection and a short story in the Sisters In Crime anthology, November 2016, The Whole She-Bang 3.


Author website: 

Twitter: @lisadenikolits

Goodreads: - Lisa de Nikolits

Instagram: @lisadenikolits

The Mesdames of Mayhem:

Pinterest: Inspiration for The Nearly Girl

YouTube: Book Trailer for The Nearly Girl:

Where to buy the book:

In local stores in Canada:

• Chapters/Indigo:

(I hope the Amazons will be working, sometimes they really lag after the book has been launched – but the Inanna link always works).

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