Sunday 29 December 2013

Burglars Beware! The Ultimate Booby-Trap (reprinted from The Sage, where Bad Girl lurks on a regular basis)

by BAD GIRL
Somebody tried to sell me a home security device the other day.  Apparently, this device is rigged so that it would alert me when someone was breaking into the house.  This amazed me, in that – if I am home – I usually know when someone is breaking into my house.  Rather than announce his presence (“A Burglar, Madam”) it would seem to me a lot more useful if someone would invent something that would bop the intruder over the head.

But I don’t need fancy home security systems because there is no possible way a burglar could get past my secret weapon.  It’s cheap and it’s foolproof.  It’s so fiendish, I expect it will soon be outlawed at the next Geneva Convention.  Let me put it this way: if the Spanish Inquisition had known about it, everyone would have confessed to everything.

To wit:
LOCATION:  Madrid, 15-something-or-other, in a damp dungeon (not even a three-star)

“Stubborn, eh?  Still won’t confess?  Okay, Cardinal Wolsey – bring the secret weapon!”
<horrified gasps all around>

“Not the <gulp> not the…”

“Yes! <fiendish giggle> Get the little pieces of LEGO!”
<screams of unparalleled anguish and fear>

“ARGH!  No, please!  No!  I confess!”

It works like this:  You step on the itty bitty piece of Lego, whereupon it pierces your bare foot, sending searing needles of agony all the way up to your brain.  This in turn causes all of your bones to suddenly melt and turn you into a pain-filled gibbering mass of jelly on the floor. 

I don’t know if you have ever walked barefoot across a minefield of individual Lego bits, but believe me, General Schwartzkoff missed out on a good weapon.  Marbles have a similar effect, but those little plastic Lego corners kinda put the icing on the proverbial cupcake.  Methinks the Lego people have missed a terrific marketing opportunity here.  In fact, right after this column is done, I’m going into business.  “Killer Lego” should be on the shelves by Christmas, ready to be scattered on floors everywhere.

Actually, if you really want to keep burglars away, it’s simple.  Throw a few ride-um toys on the front lawn of your home – preferable boy ones.  Then everyone will know you have kids, so there couldn’t possibly be anything of value left inside…

Melodie Campbell writes funny books.  The Goddaughter’s Revenge has just been released and is available at Chapters and Amazon.



Tuesday 17 December 2013

SHE'S BACK! Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (reprinted with permission)

Flash News!  Was just given this news:
First prize in the Your McMurray Magazine national Short Story Competition!
The $3000 will send me to Bouchercon next year.
I am over the moon. Many thanks to everyone involved.
Now I need to calm down...
http://www.yourmcmurraymagazine.com/short-story-competition


And now back to our regularly scheduled nonsense... 

by BAD Girl

Dear Morticia,
Do you get into the Spirit of Christmas?
Signed, Curious

Dear Cur,
I’m not interested in the Spirit of Christmas and I’ve told him that a hundred times!  (Honestly…it’s these office Christmas parties.  Everyone gets embalmed.)

Dear Morticia,
For Christmas, may I interest you in private flying lessons?  Free of charge, my dear…
Signed, Ace Pilot

Dear Ace,
No thanks.  I’m not much on school.  A ghost tried to teach me how to walk through walls once…he had to go through it again and again…

Dear Morticia,
Can I interest you in custom-designed fruit baskets for your dearest friends.
Signed, The Custom Grocer

Dear Cus,
No thanks.  I gave a Christmas food basket to Thing last year and it bombed horribly.  He just didn’t have the stomach for it.

Dear Morticia,
I’m quitting smoking starting Jan. 1.  Are you making any New Years resolutions this year?
Signed Sincere

Dear Sin,
Yup.  As soon as the vulture dinner is over, I’m becoming a vegetarian.  (At least when you carve a pumpkin, it doesn’t try to eat you back.)

Dear Morticia,
I was a good girl all year, and all Santa brought me was a large frog.  Frankly, I feel cheated. 
Signed, Princess

Dear Princess
Honey, I don’t blame you, so be sure to follow my advice: Be very bad next year and Santa may bring you a Prince. (And if you don’t the Prince, at least you will have had a smashing good time all year!)

Bad Girl is the pen name of Melodie Campbell.  Melodie writes funny books.  They make great Christmas presents.  If you're cheap, you can even buy the ebook versions (Amazon, nook, kobo, itunes...etc)


Sunday 8 December 2013

Blue Satin and Love - Winner of the 2011 Holiday Story contest (EU)

It isn't often that Bad Girl gets serious. This one page story, inspired by a true event, won a flash fiction contest from across the big pond. Strange thing...I still get shivery when I read it.

 Blue Satin and Love
  
“This is beautiful, Mom – where did you ever get it?”
            I looked down at the Barbie doll evening gown Natalie held in her hand.  Blue satin shimmered under our kitchen lights, and the tiny rosettes were individual works of art that had been hidden away for decades in a basement storage box.
            “My grandmother from Sicily made it for me for Christmas one year.”
I remembered those hours Grandma had spent in front of the black Singer sewing machine, arthritic hands working hard to create things of warmth and beauty.  Like many immigrant women, she made most of our clothes, which – at the time - was a mark of shame to me.  How to explain the embarrassment of wearing homemade clothes to a daughter of today? 
            “It doesn’t even look worn,” Natalie said, in awe.
“That’s because I never played with it.”  Yes, the blue satin was pretty, but in my young mind, it didn’t compare to the black nylon Barbie doll gown you could purchase at Simpson’s.  My doll clothes were made from scraps of fabric left over from larger projects.  The other girls at school received store-bought Christmas gifts; how I had envied them.
“She must have loved you a whole lot.”  Natalie’s voice was soft.  She handed it to me. 
I fingered the hand-hemmed skirt, the tiny perfect stitches, and as I opened the snaps on the back, something happened to my heart. It flooded with the love that had been there all this time, stuck in a box, waiting to be discovered.        

END

Monday 2 December 2013

The REAL Christmas Newsletter! (reprinted with permission and a flagrant disregard for convention)

One thing I hate even more than the current gang of thieves in Ottawa is the annual Christmas Newsletter brag sheet.  You know the type…when people who can’t be bothered to pick up a phone all year long suddenly feel you can’t possibly survive another day without knowing their intimate business.

Have you ever noticed that nothing BAD ever happens to these people?  Where is the heartbreaking stuff?  The flunked tests?  WHERE ARE ALL THE STUPID FINANCIAL DECISIONS? 

Luckily, I’m learning to read between the lines.  Here is my version of what really happened:

Hello to all our dear friends!  Here it is, Christmas time once more, and I still haven’t gotten around to spring cleaning again.  Oh well – good thing nobody ever comes here.  They wouldn’t be able to get around the empty cases of brew in the front hall. 

I’m happy to report that things are back to normal after Ted broke his leg trying to resist arrest.  It was all a silly mistake; he never would have smashed into the cruiser if they’d had their lights on.  Luckily they have terrific medical facilities in the Don Jail, and Ted is on the mend.

And just when you thought it couldn’t happen, young Wally flunked grade 10 for the third time.  The Principal seems to think this is a record, which just goes to show that Wally can be outstanding when he puts his mind to it.

You may have heard that we’ve added a son-in-law to the family.  We also have a new grandchild, who arrived about the same time.  The birth was easier than the wedding, and luckily the father of the bride missed both, as he was otherwise detained <see above>.

Dear Grandpa is just as spry as ever.  He totters around town waving to all the girls and showing them his new trench coat.  He’s really proud of the plaid lining, too.

Aren’t families wonderful.  And as for me…well you may have heard about Ted’s last foray into the stock market before he lost his job.  They took the house, but I still have the dog, and frankly, except for a little touch of pneumonia, we do fine on Queen Street.

Well, that’s it for now.  How was your year?

Sunday 1 December 2013

Celebrate the Season with Imajin Books' 25 Days of Christmas Giveaways!


This Christmas season, Canadian publishing house Imajin Books decided to do things a bit differently. Instead of only 25 days of contests and discounts as in past years, they're holding various events from December 1st to January 3rd. Okay, so they can't count, but they believe readers deserve to be rewarded. And we agree!

From December 1-25, Imajin Books will be awarding random prizes to those who leave comments on their Facebook page. So drop by, check out their posts and leave a comment or question.

Want to win even more? Check out their Share the Imajin Books Buzz contest. You could win a Kindle Fire HD or Kobo equivalent, or one of two $50 Amazon gift cards. This contest also runs December 1-25. To enter, visit the Rafflecopter contest widget below or at http://www.imajinbooks.com/contests-events. You can enter multiple times a day.


Tuesday 26 November 2013

John Daniel brings Coals to Newcastle, but they Sparkle like Diamonds!

It's my pleasure to introduce crime writer John Daniel to the Bad Girl Blog.  (Every now and then, we allow a Bad Boy on these pages.  John qualifies.)

What’s sss ho fuf, fuf, funny about the way I tut, tut, alk?
by John Daniel

I feel as if I’m bringing coals to Newcastle, and my coals are like…well, like coals, compared to the comedic diamonds that sparkle in Melodie Campbell’s hilarious Goddaughter books. Nevertheless, I have a few things to say on the subject of humorous storytelling, so here goes.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Write funny, and readers will beg for more. About this rib-tickling subject I couldn’t be more serious. And, on a serious note, here are three things I believe about writing humorous fiction.

1. Humor is a response to pain. Face the fact that humor bubbles to the surface through a soup of sorrow, suffering, cruelty, loneliness, and anger. Don’t believe me? What humorous writer makes you laugh the loudest? Woody Allen? Nora Ephron? David Sedaris? Read their stories again and notice how much their humor is based on neuroses, love gone wrong, and family dysfunction.

2. Humor must engage the brain. Remember, your stories do not come with a laugh track. You may trade on the familiar, but make the story your own by being original, being honest, and avoiding gimmicks and clichés. Use irony. Irony flexes the mind.

3. Humor should serve a higher purpose. We may tend to consider humor fluff, lightweight, as unnecessary as M&Ms, as disposable as Kleenex. Well, a funny can be as forgettable as all that, but it doesn’t have to be. If you’re going to tell a funny story, find a story that matters, that might make the world a tiny bit better.

Bonus rule. Having reread my last sentence, I’m compelled to add, “Lighten up.” Yes, humor, in spite of its painful origin, its intellect, and its moral purpose, should be fun. To entertain is to serve a higher purpose. So make your stories fun to read, enjoy writing for the fun of writing, and while you’re at it, practice the fine, fun art of laughter. The good news is that humor lightens the load and gets us through. A little laughing gas can make you enjoy the drilling of a tooth.

In my new novel, Hooperman: A Bookstore Mystery, one of the sources of humor is speech disorder. Speech impediments are not funny to anybody who lives with one. But for some reason, speech disorder makes people laugh. Think of Warner Brothers cartoons: Porky Pig stammers, Elmer Fudd can’t pronounce L’s or R’s, Sylvester and Daffy both lisp (wetly), Bugs has a nasal twang, and so forth. 

In Hooperman, the main character, Hoop Johnson, has a dreadful, crippling stutter. Another character, Martin West, has a neurological disorder, similar to Tourette Syndrome, that liberally sprinkles his speech with scatological profanity—barnyard cusswords. Do these two guys think speech disorder is funny?

Funny as a rubber crutch.


Here’s a brief excerpt from a scene with Hoop and Martin.

            “You remember that? How cuh,can you buh,be shhh…sure?”
            “You think because I talk weird, horse**** pig**** and like that, I’m automatically stupid? Horse**** pig****?” Nodded, shook his head, nodded again. Shook his head again. “Huh?”
            Hoop laughed out loud.
            “Funny? You think it’s horse****? You think it’s funny?”
            “Fuh,funny? Shhhh…hit, yes! Fuh,fuh,fuh… hilarious!”
            Martin snarled for a minute, then let his mouth grow into a wide-open grin. “Rat**** bat**** cat**** gnat****!” he said, and laughed. “Couple of horse**** crazies, huh? You and me? Horse****!”
            Hoop clapped his hands and laughed out loud. “Cuck razy and duh, dumb. We;re duh,duh,dumbells!”
            But the laughter quickly died down.…
•••
Book synopsis
Hooperman: A Bookstore Mystery celebrates the joy of books and bookselling and also explores the many ways people get into trouble—deadly serious trouble—when they fail to communicate.
Hooperman Johnson is a tall, bushy-bearded man of few words. He works as a bookstore cop, catching shoplifters in the act. It’s a difficult job for a man with a severe stammer, but somebody’s got to do it, because Maxwell’s Books is getting ripped off big-time. And, more and more, it looks like the thief works for the store.

Set in the summer of 1972, the summer of the Watergate break-in, Hooperman is a bookstore mystery without a murder, but full of plot, full of oddball characters, full of laughs, and full of love, some of it poignant, some of it steamy.

“Pleasant and unusually good-natured, this novel from Daniel harkens back to a time when printed books mattered and an independent bookstore could be a social club for passionately eccentric bibliophiles.” —Publishers Weekly, starred review
For more info, including how to order: http://www.danielpublishing.com/jmd/hooperman.html

Author bio
(photo by Clark Lohr)
John M. Daniel is a lifelong bibliophile, having worked in eight bookstores. He’s also the author of fourteen published books, including the well-reviewed Guy Mallon Mystery Series. He lives among the redwoods in Humboldt County, California, with Susan Daniel, his wife and partner. They publish mystery fiction under the imprint Perseverance Press (Daniel & Daniel).

Saturday 23 November 2013

In a Mob Comedy, How Close is Too Close to Home?

by Bad Girl

It all closed in on me at the launch of THE GODDAUGHTER mob caper in Hamilton. Eighty-five people stood waiting.

The local television station had cameras in my face.  So far, it had been an easy interview focused on my awards and comedy career. The fellow was charming.  I liked him a lot.  Then he dropped the bomb.

“So…have you ever met a member of the mob?”

I didn’t like him so much anymore.

Yikes!  Hesitation.   A lot of feet shuffling.

“Yes.” I said, very precisely. So precisely, that everyone in the room laughed nervously. “In fact, I had to wait until certain members of my family died before getting this book published. ‘Nuf said.”
The ‘nuf said’ was the closure.  He got it.  Being a smart lad, he even let it drop.

But it made me think about how close you want to get in a book to real life.

As writers, we research a hell of a lot.  Of course, I did research for The Goddaughter series.  Some of the study was pretty close to home, as I riffed on memories from my childhood.  But I write comedies, so perhaps the expectations aren’t as great for me to be entirely accurate.  Good thing about that.

In the screwball comedy THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE, I am not very close to real life. Gina must get back fake rings from some of her best clients. So she masterminds a bunch of burglaries that go…well…wrong.  It’s great fun, and rather innocent on the grand scale of criminal activities.

But I do cut pretty close to the wire in describing Hamilton.  The streets are real. The names of the neighbourhoods are real. I even describe the location of the restaurant where the mob (in my books) hangs out. I changed the name, of course, because the last thing I want is readers thinking this hot resto is really a mob hangout.  And besides, it’s fun when fans email me to say, “When they all meet at La Paloma, did you really mean XXX?” Readers feel they’ve been part of an in-joke.

How close is too close?  Here’s what I’ve learned.  You never want to offend anyone by:
1.      Using real names of mobsters past or present.  They have ways of finding you.  Even the dead ones.  We are Sicilian, after all.
or
2.      Using a street number that is real and can be tracked down.  Especially if you are describing a call girl establishment.  Believe me, this is not cool.  Mrs. Harmon hated it.  Mrs. Murphy, on the other hand….but I digress.

So in THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE, I want you to feel Hamilton. To smell the smoke of Steeltown and experience the ambiance of a post-industrial city in decline.  Like parts of New Jersey, The Hammer is rife with delightfully quirky areas that lend themselves perfectly to a mob caper.

I love this city with character.  And I hope that comes through in THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE.

Melodie Campbell achieved a personal best this year when Library Journal compared her to Janet Evanovich.  Her first book, ROWENA THROUGH THE WALL, was an Amazon Top 100 bestseller. Her fifth novel, THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE, has just been released by Orca Books. 

Opening to THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE

     Okay, I admit it. I would rather be the proud possessor of a rare gemstone than a lakefront condo with parking. Yes, I know this makes me weird. Young women today are supposed to crave the security of owning their own home
     But I say this. Real estate, shmeel estate. You can’t hold an address in your hand. It doesn’t flash and sparkle with the intensity of a thousand night stars, or lure you away from the straight and narrow like a siren from some Greek odyssey.
     Let’s face it. Nobody has ever gone to jail for smuggling a one bedroom plus den out of the country.
However, make that a 10-carat cyan blue topaz with a past as long as your arm, and I’d do almost anything to possess it.
    But don’t tell the police.

Library Journal says this about Melodie`s third novel, The Goddaughter (Orca Books):
``Campbell`s crime caper is just right for Janet Evanovich fans.  Wacky family connections and snappy dialogue make it impossible not to laugh.``

THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE on Amazon http://tinyurl.com/kmgjgsf
THE GODDAUGHTER on Amazon http://ow.ly/dnObH



Monday 18 November 2013

PAY NOW - DIE LATER (reprinted with permission)


by Bad Girl
I’ve been getting an awful lot of sales calls from funeral parlors lately, and frankly, it’s starting to worry me.  Granted I’ve been missing a little sleep, but do I really look like I’m ready for the harp and wings?  (Okay, fire and pokers.)

What’s happening out there in the Underworld these days?  Who came up with this PAY NOW-DIE LATER thing?

I’m quite familiar with payment plans.  In fact, you could call me hell on wheels with a credit card.  I have perfected the fast draw.  And years of experience have taught me that you can buy a perfectly good dress now, and not have to pay for it until it is out of style.

But I have to question this whole prepaid funeral thing.  Just why the heck should I pay in advance for something I don’t even want?

All I know is, someone has done a killer <sic> marketing job.  And it’s only the beginning.  Next thing you know, they’ll be doing your colours beforehand.  Or – wait for it – for those who want to look their best on the way out – liposuction! “Let yourself go a bit over the years?  Pre-purchase our after-market body-shaping plan, and let us take a little off the sides…or maybe add a little here and here…”

The fashion industry won’t be far behind.  I can see a side-business dealing in up to the minute stylish clothes that make you look good lying down.

In fact, they could have a phone-in service for people who want to switch their final fashion choice with the season.  Perhaps little tear-off strips attached to your license where you can pencil in your latest choice:  “Please bury me in the royal blue strapless, first drawer on the left…”

And it doesn’t end there.  One telephone salesperson wanted to know if I preferred a forest or lake view, sunny or shady final resting spot.  I can see it now:
“The Sun Lover’s Plan – Finally, all the sun you want with no fear of UV”

For those men who want their wives to visit often, they’ll come up with special burial sites next door to major shopping malls.  And certain women I know may elect to be ‘located’ around the seventeenth tee.

There’s a lot of potential still left in this industry, and I’ve come up my own sales gimmick.  You only pay a small deposit for your ‘deposit,’ and you don’t claim it until you need it.  It’s called the “Layaway” plan.

Monday 11 November 2013

No Sex Please, We’re Crime Writers!

I write short.  This stems from my comedy writing roots, where each word must be carefully chosen for impact.  So my publishers don’t delete a lot of scenes from my books.  In fact, they usually tell me where to add more words.

With one exception.

There seems to be a convention that crime books shouldn’t contain sex.  Oh, they can refer to sex. Sex can be a powerful motivator for all those violent scenes we are allowed to describe in painstaking detail. (Irony alert here.)

So you can refer to sex. But Lord help you if you – ahem – ‘Show-not-Tell.’

Okay, so I show a bit.  But just a little bit.  I don’t write X-rated, honest.  In fact, I write with the sort of silliness that might be associated with old Benny Hill skits.  So we’re not talking 50 Shades of Naughty here. Still, my naughty bits get censored.

No sex please, we’re crime writers!

It’s a crime <sic>.  Heck, it’s enough to make a poor gal swap genres. Have you read any steamy romance books lately?  Those novels can be practically pornographic.

When did romance books become more adult than crime books?

I explained to one publisher why a certain sexy blackmail scene was essential to the story. It provided motivation that was completely necessary.  So here was their admittedly canny solution:

Leave the dialogue, but take out the other senses – the sounds, the visuals, the - let’s leave it there.

Yes, it still works.  You get what’s going on by what is being said.

Does it lose impact?  Well, yes.  I work hard to include all the senses in my writing.

But does it work for the plot?  Yes, it does.  It might even be funnier without the senses.
You be the judge.

From THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE, just released!
“Now Carmine, move up front here and pay close attention to this video. You might know the people.”
Everyone came closer. You could almost hear each individual breath. Except then I turned up the volume and you could only hear the heavy breathing and moans coming from the laptop.
“Oh Carmy! Do it – do it – ahhhhh”
“I’m doin’ it, babe – I’m doin’ it –“
“Faster, Carmy! Faster – don’t stop”
All eyes were glued to the screen.
“Oh, gross,” said Lou.
“Holy shit!” yelled Carmine. “How did you get that?”
“Carm, that ain’t your wife. Tracy’s not a blond.” Bertoni was confused.
            “How the heck is she doing that?” Pete stared at the video with far too much interest.




THE GODDAUGHTER'S REVENGE (from Orca Books)
at Amazon

at Chapters

Sunday 10 November 2013

HOW TO WRITE FUNNY NOVELS - why you shouldn't - but you're going to anyway - so Here's a Primer

I've been called many things, but probably best was "Canada's undisputed Queen of Comedy."

Down in the States today, on a Top 100 Writers' Digest blog, with

HOW TO WRITE FUNNY NOVELS - Why you shouldn't - but you're going to anyway - so Here's a Primer

This is basically my workshop on Writing Comedy, without the assignments.


Many thanks to my hostess, Anne R. Allen, a kindred spirit in comedy (there aren't many of us dames out there).
Click here:    http://networkedblogs.com/QZJsS


Please visit and comments welcome!



  


Friday 8 November 2013

THE GODDAUGHTER'S REVENGE Book Launch - $585 Donated to the Hamilton Literacy Council

Thanks to the many people who came to THE GODDAUGHTER'S REVENGE book launch in Hamilton last night.  68 people attended, and $585 was raised for the Hamilton Literacy Council!

Thanks also to Gareth Bond, Don Graves, and Alison Bruce for their presentations and 'roast' <smile>

I'll be treasuring this photo in future years.  That's my 91 year old Dad on the far right.


THE GODDAUGHTER'S REVENGE launch at the Turner Park Branch of the Hamilton Public Library, Nov. 7, 2013.

Wednesday 6 November 2013

Melodie Campbell donates all Proceeds from the Launch of THE GODDAUGHTER'S REVENGE to the Hamilton Literacy Council!

Launch Tomorrow!

MC: Gareth Bond, Chair of the Hamilton Literacy Council
Special Guest Speaker: Don Graves, Book Reviewer for the Hamilton Spectator
Free, and all welcome!

Sunday 3 November 2013

"Who but Melodie Campbell would pull off this zany story of family characters with their crazy personalities?" R&B Review of THE GODDAUGHTER'S REVENGE!

The Goddaughter's Revenge by Melodie Campbell

Published by Orca Rapid Reads

A Rapid Reads book, lots of personality, humour, zany characters and a fun read, short and compact. The action and dialogue is so reminiscent of an old Black and White madcap movie set in modern day I knew immediately I would enjoy it. The characters are all written with their individual IDs intact and ready to go.

Melodie Campbell has an ability to take a storyline by the roots and shake it up with often hilarious results. This the second book I have read by this author, both from different series. Still, the author's innate ability to create fantastic stories is the foundation of both series.

Here we have Gina Gallow, the goddaughter of a Mob Boss and owner of her own jewelry store. Though she doesn't want to be part of 'The Family' business, she is not beyond eliciting help when she needs it, even enlisting her fiance in her capers. Who else would be burglarizing to steal fake gems to replace with the real thing? And what about the Lone Rearranger? Who but Melodie Campbell would pull off this zany story of family characters with their crazy personalities? Which comes first, loyalty to family or loyalty to the job? Loved this romp; Melodie, I will happily follow wherever your books will take me!

Many thanks, R&B!

Thursday 31 October 2013

Just in time for Halloween…More from Morticia’s Massage Parlour and Advice Academy

(as seen in The Sage)

BAD GIRL
By Melodie Campbell
Try Morticia’s relaxing noose therapy (patent pending)
We’ll have you dead calm in minutes…

Dear Morticia
I am a novice writer attempting my first novel.  Can you give me any advice?
Signed, Steven Kingsley

Dear Steve;
To be honest, I’m not much of a fiction writer.  I have lots of great plots, but sadly, my characters are lifeless.

Dear Morticia;
Are you personally acquainted with any spirits?
Signed, Tele Pathic

Dear Tel;
Natch. I’ve gotten to know Jack Daniels quite well over the years.  I’m also acquainted with Johnny Walker (…deadly for long spells, frankly my dear).

Dear Morticia;
Whatever shall I do?  My eighty year old father has just been arrested for exposing himself – do you think they can make it stick?
Signed, Aghast in Agincourt

Dear Ag;
Couldn’t say for sure.  I once knew a ghost who was caught flashing, but they couldn’t pin anything on him.

Dear Morticia;
I’m a firm believer in the Occult and participate regularly in séances.  Are you a medium?
Signed, Spirtually Inclined

Dear Inc;
Nope, I’m a large.  Especially where it counts, hon.

Dear Morticia;
Do you actually get all this ridiculous mail, or do you make it up yourself?
Signed Skeptic

Dear Skep;
Of course I don’t make it up!  I have a ghostwriter.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE.  You can find them at Chapters and online at Amazon and most other retailers.