Showing posts with label Morticia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Morticia. Show all posts

Monday, 22 July 2019

VEGAS, BABY! In which Bad Girl explains how an imaginary Vegas hotel rocks the latest Goddaughter

By Melodie Campbell

Whether to use a real setting or make one up?  That is the question.

Butchering Shakespeare aside (which I do cheerfully, if not cleverly) all authors have to decide whether to set their novel in a real place or not.  There are advantages and disadvantages to each.

In the Goddaughter series, I set the books in a real place – Hamilton Ontario, also known as Steeltown, or The Hammer.  Everyone who has ever been over the Skyway bridge on the way to Toronto (one hour from Buffalo) will experience a taste of Hamilton.

“I live in The Hammer.  Our skyline includes steel plants.  We consider smog a condiment,” says Gina Gallo, the mob goddaughter of the series.

I don’t have to describe much to put you in that setting.  It’s sort of like New York or Paris.  Give a few landmarks we all know, plus in this case assault your mouth and nose with metallic fumes, and the author has put you there without endless description.

The problem with using a real setting is you need to know the place well, because if you make an innocent error, like forgetting that some streets are one way, you will get hundreds of irate emails from readers who know the place better than you do.

Luckily, I know Hamilton well.  I know where to buy the best cannoli (always my test re how well you know a place.)

I use real settings whenever I can.  Readers who live in the place love to see their town highlighted.  You can often get local media interested in your book.  And people new to the location often get a kick out of coming to know it, in a literal way. 

So when I moved book 6 of the Goddaughter series to Vegas, I had a dilemma. Here’s the thing.  So many people have been to Vegas, that you have to be very careful to ‘get it right.’  I was there a few years ago, and am very aware that things change.

It takes about 6 months for me to write a Goddaughter book.  Off it goes to the publisher, who takes about 15-18 months to get it out to stores.  That’s the thing about books.  Anything on the shelves right now was probably written two years ago.

In two years, things in Vegas change.  Hotels redecorate, and maybe change ownership. It became clear to me, that while I wanted this book to be clearly ‘Vegas,’ I needed to be careful.  I’ve stayed at the Mirage.  I could have used that as a base. But when writing the book, I couldn’t predict how things would look there two years from now.

The answer?  Create a new hotel!  Make it the newest and hippest thing, so of course no one has seen it before.  And that’s where I had fun.  What hasn’t been done, I thought?  What theme would present a whole lot of fun, yet be completely whacky, in keeping with the Goddaughter series?

Whoot!  It came to me immediately.  Hotel name:  The Necropolis!  Theme:  Morticia meets The Walking Dead.  We could ramp up the loopiness by throwing a Zombie convention.  And then add a Viking Valhalla casino, a bar called Embalmed, the Crematorium Grill steakhouse…

So The Goddaughter Does Vegas is a hybrid.  The setting is the Vegas you know.  The hotel is a new concoction, but fitting with the fantasy atmosphere that Vegas is famous for. 

I got away with it this time.  I think.

How about you?  Do you use real settings or do you make them up?  When reading, which do you prefer?




Sunday, 12 November 2017

More from Morticia's Advice Academy (Seriously STOP with the tomatoes...I have enough)



Many thanks to those demented people who asked for more of Morticia.  (reprinted with permission from the deluded places that pay me)

Brought to you by:  MORTICIA & CO., Distributors of Aftermarket Body Parts.

Dear Morticia;
My husband was married once before.  When he passes on, would it be appropriate to bury him beside his first wife?
Signed Planning Ahead

Dear Head;
Only if she's dead first.

Dear Morticia;
I keep asking my boss for a raise, but he keeps saying no.  As a last resort, I'm thinking of offering him my body.  Think it will work?
Signed Blondie in Bowmanville

Dear Blondie;
Gee, I don't know.  Chances are he has a perfectly good body of his own.

Dear Morticia;
What is the quickest way to a woman's heart?
No Don Juan

Dear No Don;
Zippered sweaters, although wrap-around blouses run a close seco
nd.

Dear Morticia;
My boyfriend and I won a hundred thousand dollars in a lottery.  I want to buy a house and he wants to buy a 427 AC Cobra sports car.  What should we do?
Signed Homeless

Dear Less;
Recent reports suggest that it is very difficult if not impossible to prepare a proper meal on a 427 engine block.  On the other hand, most houses built today can't travel at more than 2 miles per hours.  Tell you what.  Forward the winnings to my address and I'll do a test run for ya.
(Okay, a secret. This last one is my personal favourite.  Yes even demented comedy writers have favourites. See you next week, if you can stand it.)

Tuesday, 31 October 2017

The Worst of 'Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy'



You asked for it - now live with it!  More from Morticia (reprinted with permission from the demented places that pay me)

Get in shape with BODIES BY MORTICIA
...Select yours today!

Dear Morticia;
My wife can't go a day without playing bingo.  What's your impression of a woman like that?
Signed Fed Up

Dear Fed;
Sorry, I don't do impressions.  This is an advice column.

Dear Morticia;
My husband works shifts and comes home so tired he can barely carry on a conversation.  How can I keep him from falling asleep on me?
Signed, Frustrated

Dear Frust;
Push him off.  Next...

Dear Morticia;
Are you busy this weekend?  Party at my house - I finally got rid of my parents!
Signed, Home Alone

Dear Home;
That's nice.  Did you manage to make it look like an accident?

Dear Morticia;
My mother and I read your advice column every month and we are appalled by the ridiculous advice you give.  In fact, we can't believe you actually get paid to produce this kind of trashy garbage on a regular basis.
Signed Disgusted in Durham

Dear Gus;
Wait a sec...you mean they're supposed to pay ME?

Morticia will return to these pages if somebody doesn't kill her off first.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books. You can buy them at Chapters, Amazon and demented bookstores everywhere. The Bootlegger's Goddaughter is now available.

Friday, 27 October 2017

Morticia's Advice Academy - A Hallowe'en Tradition for the demented reader



More Completely Useless Advice from Morticia, 
repeated with permission from the news rag that used to pay me (yes, they actually paid me to write this.)

(With apologies to sane folk everywhere)

Read the National Expirer
…for the best in Graveyard Journalism

Dear Morticia,
I just got an invitation to a ritzy wedding, and wouldn’t you know, I’m supposed to bring an escort.  What should I do?  I’m between men right now.
Signed, Forlorn

Dear For,
Bring both.  (I never mind being between men, honey.)

Dear Morticia,
Help!  All these chores need to be done and I’m exhausted.  What can I do?  The baby was sick again and kept me up all night.
Signed Tired

Dear Tired,
Sorry honey, but you married him.


Dear Morticia,
I’ve just found out that the guy I’ve been dating is a real snake.  What should I do?
Signed, Livid

Dear Livid,
Belt him.  (Act fast: this relationship is bound to be constricting.)


Dear Morticia
I am a born again Christian and now have a totally different perception of the afterlife.  I urge you to give up your misguided ways and find the true meaning of life.
Signed, Second Chance

Dear Second,
No thanks.  I wanted to be born again, but Mom said No.


Confidential to Offended in Oakville: You are absolutely right, and a girl has a right to pick and choose.  I would never agree to try that position with a man I wasn’t married to.  I mean, what would your husband say?

Thursday, 22 December 2016

Christmas with Morticia - (reprinted with permission from the demented people who pay me)



Dear Morticia,
Do you get into the Spirit of Christmas?
Signed, Curious

Dear Cur,
I’m not interest in the Spirit of Christmas and I’ve told him that a hundred times!  (Honestly…it’s these office Christmas parties.  Everyone gets embalmed.)

Dear Morticia,
Can I interest you in custom-designed fruit baskets for your dearest friends.
Signed, The Custom Grocer

Dear Cus,
No thanks.  I gave a Christmas food basket to Thing last year and it bombed horribly.  He just didn’t have the stomach for it.

Dear Morticia,
I’m quitting smoking starting Jan. 1.  Are you making any New Years resolutions this year?
Signed Sincere

Dear Sin,
Yup.  As soon as the vulture dinner is over, I’m becoming a vegetarian.  (At least when you carve a pumpkin, it doesn’t try to eat you back.)

Dear Morticia,
I was a good girl all year, and all Santa brought me was a large frog.  Frankly, I feel cheated. 
Signed, Princess

Dear Princess
Honey, I don’t blame you, so be sure to follow my advice: Be very bad next year and Santa may bring you a Prince. (And if you don’t get the Prince, at least you will have had a smashing good time all year!)


 Melodie in disguise as a fairly normal person in a blue coat.  Merry Christmas.


Friday, 18 November 2016

The Worst of 'Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy'


You asked for it - now live with it!  More from Morticia (reprinted with permission)

Get in shape with BODIES BY MORTICIA
...Select yours today!

Dear Morticia;
My wife can't go a day without playing bingo.  What's your impression of a woman like that?
Signed Fed Up

Dear Fed;
Sorry, I don't do impressions.  This is an advice column.

Dear Morticia;
My husband works shifts and comes home so tired he can barely carry on a conversation.  How can I keep him from falling asleep on me?
Signed, Frustrated

Dear Frust;
Push him off.  Next...

Dear Morticia;
Are you busy this weekend?  Party at my house - I finally got rid of my parents!
Signed, Home Alone

Dear Home;
That's nice.  Did you manage to make it look like an accident?

Dear Morticia;
My mother and I read your advice column every month and we are appalled by the ridiculous advice you give.  In fact, we can't believe you actually get paid to produce this kind of trashy garbage on a regular basis.
Signed Disgusted in Durham

Dear Gus;
Wait a sec...you mean they're supposed to pay ME?

Morticia will return to these pages if somebody doesn't kill her off first.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books. Please buy them, so she can spend her time writing more silly comedy.