Friday 27 October 2017

Morticia's Advice Academy - A Hallowe'en Tradition for the demented reader

More Completely Useless Advice from Morticia, 
repeated with permission from the news rag that used to pay me (yes, they actually paid me to write this.)

(With apologies to sane folk everywhere)

Read the National Expirer
…for the best in Graveyard Journalism

Dear Morticia,
I just got an invitation to a ritzy wedding, and wouldn’t you know, I’m supposed to bring an escort.  What should I do?  I’m between men right now.
Signed, Forlorn

Dear For,
Bring both.  (I never mind being between men, honey.)

Dear Morticia,
Help!  All these chores need to be done and I’m exhausted.  What can I do?  The baby was sick again and kept me up all night.
Signed Tired

Dear Tired,
Sorry honey, but you married him.

Dear Morticia,
I’ve just found out that the guy I’ve been dating is a real snake.  What should I do?
Signed, Livid

Dear Livid,
Belt him.  (Act fast: this relationship is bound to be constricting.)

Dear Morticia
I am a born again Christian and now have a totally different perception of the afterlife.  I urge you to give up your misguided ways and find the true meaning of life.
Signed, Second Chance

Dear Second,
No thanks.  I wanted to be born again, but Mom said No.

Confidential to Offended in Oakville: You are absolutely right, and a girl has a right to pick and choose.  I would never agree to try that position with a man I wasn’t married to.  I mean, what would your husband say?


  1. This should come with that warning about visiting the ladies' room before reading! You are a master of the quip and caper, Campbell.

  2. "Pee before reading?" I'll add that next time. Thanks for commenting!