Tuesday 29 January 2013

Respect me Bub, or I'll Stomp On You With My Stilettos

So a newish and very funny blogger friend  (Sara at Sara's Organized Chaos) is contemplating doing one of those glamour boudoir photo shoots. 

I said:  “DO IT DO IT DO IT!  I nearly did ‘back when’ but chickened out.  When I was 35, I could rock a boatload of sailors.  Now, I might possibly tip that boat if I stepped on in.  So do it now.”

Which has got me all thinking (dangerous at the best of times…)

This girl has spent her lifetime railing against the glass ceiling.  She took a Commerce degree and rocked business back when shoulder pads were big.  Okay, HUGE.  And liked them like that.

So what you’ve got here is one super-saturated power chick at the top of the fast food chain.  Treat me with respect bub, or I’ll stomp on you with my stilettos.  Oh, and pass the lipstick, ‘cause I wanna look sexy.

Why the flaming hell do I want to look sexy?  WHY?  I’ve got a perfectly good husband.  I’ve got a few good male friends who might be willing to step in if hubby doesn’t make it to the 10th round.  (Of course I’m joking.  Why wouldn’t I be?)  There is no possible way I am looking for ANY new male attention of the prurient kind.

Yet here I am, fixing the long hair, wearing the underwire, cursing every new pound (the old ones should stop inviting new fat to the party).  Good thing the cleavage is still fine.  We’ll just show that off a bit. What the freaking hell is wrong with me?

“You can’t fight biology,” friend Jeannette says.

Well, my biology is sure freakin’ driving me crazy.  Can you spell contradiction?  Oxymoron?  Hypocritical?

Gotta run.  Teaching fiction writing tonight and I need an hour for my hair.

Tuesday 8 January 2013


Too HOT to stay in Hamilton!  Gina Gallo is on a World Tour with boyfriend Pete and the rest of The Goddaughter Gang!

Here's where you'll find them, across the States and into Australia.  Oh, and there are lots of giveaways along the way!

Melodie Campbell’s TLC Book Tours TOUR STOPS:

Monday, January 7th:  The Book Bag
Tuesday, January 8th:  Book Sniffers Anonymous 
Thursday, January 10th:  Literally Jen
Friday, January 11th:  A Novel Toybox
Wednesday, January 16th:  I Am A Reader, Not A Writer 
Friday, January 18th:  Books a la Mode 
Tuesday, January 22nd:  Susan’s Literary Cafe
Wednesday, January 23rd:  The Written World
Thursday, January 24th:  Good Girl Gone Redneck
Monday, January 28th:  Sara’s Organized Chaos 
Wednesday, January 30th:  A Book Lover’s Library
Monday, February 4th:  Lesa’s Book Critiques
Tuesday, February 5th:  From the TBR Pile
Wednesday, February 6th:  TuTu’s Two Cents
Thursday, February 7th:  Reviews by Molly

Saturday 5 January 2013

Bring me Italian and hold the Salad - more anti-diet comedy

“I am SO not a salad girl.”

Some people say this is one of the funniest lines in my screwball comedy novel, THE GODDAUGHTER.  It is spoken by Gino Galla, goddaughter to the mob boss in Hamilton, the city of steel.  Gina is a curvy girl.  She says this line to her new guy Pete, as a kind of warning.

I’ve come to the conclusion that women who remain slim past the age of 40 actually like salad.  Yes, it’s an astonishing fact.  For some people, eating raw green weeds is not a punishment. 

Not me.  I’m Italian.  We know our food.  Ever been to an Italian wedding?  First, you load up with appetizers and wine, or Campari with Orange Juice if you’re lucky.  When you are too stuffed to stand  up anymore (why did you wear three inch heels?  Honestly you do this every time…) you sit down at a table, kerplunk.  

Bring on the antipasto.  Genoa sausage, olives, marinated veggies, breadsticks, yum.  Melon with prosciutto.  Bread with olive oil/balsamic vinegar dip.  White wine.  Then comes the pasta al olio.  Sublime.  

Carbs are important fuel, right?  And I’m gonna need that fuel to get through the main course, because it’s likely to be roast chicken, veal parmesan, osso buco, risotto, polenta, stuffed artichokes (yum), more bread, red wine.

Ever notice that salad is served after the main course in an Italian meal?  Good reason for that.  We aren’t stupid.  Hopefully, you will have no room left for it.

If you do manage to eat it, you’ll be so stuffed from what came before that you won’t even notice.

So you can be a bunny and eat salad all you like.  Bunnies are cute and harmless.

But I am more like a frontier wolf.   Try to feed me only salad, and see how harmless I am.

Wednesday 2 January 2013

Welcome Leanne Dyck!

Each month I feature a guest author on the pages of Funny Girl.  Today, I'm delighted to welcome crime writer and fellow Crime Writers of Canada member Leanne Dyck, who writes a positive post just perfect for ringing in the New Year with optimism.


 It’s amazing what the power of the word yes can do.
            In 2010 I received an email regarding a free writers workshop that was to be given at the Victoria Public Library.
            My husband asked, “Would you like to go to that?”
            I said, “Yes!”
            Prolific author Lou Allin provided a blue pencil critique. I signed up for it. Lou taught me to take pride in my words. She also pointed the way to growth. The panel discussions captivated me. And I came away from this event feeling enriched and inspired.
            During the event I invited Lou Allin to visit my rural island home:  Mayne Island. I explained that I was a co-organizer for an upcoming artistic celebration. One of the events I was organizing was a writers round table.
            Lou said, “Yes, I’d like to visit.”
            During the round table Lou Allin told the participants about the Crime Writers of Canada. She also told us about Bloody Words. She explained that Bloody Words is Canada’s oldest and largest gathering of mystery readers and authors. I was excited to learn that next year Bloody Words would be held in Victoria.
            I’d already self-published a cozy mystery and, at the time, was writing a thriller*. So I quickly filled out an application to join CWC and to attend Bloody Words.
            Shortly after becoming a member, I received an email from CWC regarding Bloody Words. They were looking for panelists and were encouraging participants to sign up to meet with a literary agent. I was nervous and didn’t feel ready but said yes to both of these opportunities.
            CWC continues to facilitate my growth as an author. To date I’ve sat on a total of three panels and networked with countless authors.
            I encourage you to say yes.
            Here’s an opportunity…
            I blog three times a week and it’s paying off:  100 page views per day, on average. One of my blogging goals is to help promote my fellow authors. I’ve featured over 100 authors—including Melodie Campbell. I’d like to feature you.
Please visit my blog (http://sweatercursed.blogspot.com).
To say yes to this opportunity, please email me (leanne@oknitting.com)

 *I’m pleased to add that this thriller—The Sweater Curse--was published in 2011. And one of my writing projects is to transform it from novella length into a novel.

Aspiring knitwear designer Gwen Bjarnson is stuck in Purgatory. To escape, she must re-examine her life, journey through her past and right a wrong. But which wrong?

Young and in love, she works to establish her career, except fate has different plans. One rash act and she loses everything. Never resting, always seeking, and yearning for what she can no longer have, Gwen faces the truth:  if she remains, others are destined to die.

How will she solve the mystery before it is too late?

Buy Links:

Quotes from reviews...

'Stitch by colorful stitch, Leanne Dyck knits a tale of intrigue' --Laurie Buchaman

'Leanne Dyck has crafted a tale as exotic and existential as Danish author Isak Dinesen's' --Lou Allin (Twilight is not Good for Maidens; Contingency Plan)

'I found myself totally engrossed... Go out and pick this one up' --Deborah Warner

'I found it very difficult to put this book down once I started it, because the voice of lovely Gwen Bjarnson, already dead at the start of book, drew me in immediately.' --Holly Robinson (Sleeping Tigers:  a novel)

Tuesday 1 January 2013

Gone With The WHAT? or REALITY BY BORIS - Zany Comedy reprinted by request (heh, it's still rerun season!)

I got one of those self-help books for Christmas, and I’m beginning to realize why I’m not getting very rich.  (For one thing, I’m not writing self-help books.)  It is patently obvious that nobody is going to get wealthy writing humor for newspapers unless they roll up the paper and whack somebody over the head with it during the course of a bank robbery.

So I’ve decided to switch media here and become a screenwriter.  I’m a natural.  I can sit in those funny collapsible canvas chairs just as well as the next guy, and besides, I know hundreds of unbelievable plots: I follow Washington politics.

So here goes: for my first screamplay <sic> I’m going to do something made for TV; specifically one of those romance-suspense-action-thriller-northern-southern-civil war epic-type things, maybe a miniseries.  It would have everything – sex, violence, sex, betrayal, sex, revenge, sex - and maybe even some dialogue.  It would star a ravishing but thoroughly spoiled female lead, maybe called Sapphire.  Here’s a preview:

Sapphire flings herself up the sweeping staircase, catching bottom of skirt on knob of banister.
Sapphire (yanking at fabric):  Go away, Rot!  Just go away!
Rot:  I’m going, I’m going.  But one last thing, Sapphire honey, I’ve got to know.  How do you manage to go to the bathroom with that bloody hoola- hoop attached to your skirt?
Sapphire (rolling downstairs on her side):  Don’t go, Rot!  Please don’t go.
Rot (doffing hat):  Frankly Sapphire, I don’t give a hoot.
(From outside, several barn owls hoot.)

I predict a blockbuster.  But just in case, I have a second one planned.  It’s a 1960s historical spy flick, based on the true-to-life adventures of very bad people who might possibly be Russian.

First Spy (possibly named Boris):  Gee comrade, do you theenk perhaps we are raising peeples suspicions speeeking English with Russian accent?
Second Spy (also named Boris):  Especially seence it is very BAD Russian accent, comrade?

Okay, so it needs a bit of work, and maybe some more sex.  I’m thinking of calling it Czech-mate. And if we bring it forward to modern times, the possibilities are endless.  What about a ‘Spy of the Month’ reality series?  Boris could live in an LA frat house with nine other comrades named Boris, and the survivor…
Or I could go back to writing for newspapers.