Worst Typos EVER (in which our Comedy Writer gets laughs without even trying)

By Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl)

Ever make a really bad typo?  I mean really bad.

My worst ever professional mistake was in an Annual Report for a one-hundred-million dollar corporation, when I was the director of marketing and communications.  Unfortunately, an innocent little ‘t’ went missing from the word ‘assets.’  The board was not amused by “This year, we experienced an increase in corporate asses.”

Recently, I found out what one little vowel can do to Rowena and the Dark Lord, book 2 in the Land’s End sexy fantasy series.

Okay, REALLY uncool when the publicist misspells the name of your book on the launch announcements.

Rowena and the Dark LARD is probably not the best way to get sales for a ‘Outlander meets Sex and the City’ fantasy series.

However, as I do write comedy, I'm thinking about a parody.

Is it okay to write a parody of your own book?

Draft one: ROWENA AND THE DARK LARD

Synopsis 1: Rowena moves back to Land’s End and opens up a bakery.

Synopsis 2: Cedric’s use of dark magic goes totally out of control, and so does his appetite.

Synopsis 3: Thane and Rowena return to Land’s End and become pig farmers.

Synopsis 4: Rowena messes up another spell that causes all who look at her to turn into donuts.

Synopsis 5: Rowena kills off Nigella Lawson in a battle with pastry rollers, and assumes the role

of Prime Time Network Food Goddess <sic>.

Synopsis 6: Someone takes a totally justified whack at the author. End of series.

Postscript: Recently was quoted by someone as the author of ROWENA AND THE DORK LORD.  Trial for murder is pending.

Post postscript (where is a Latin scholar when you need one?):  Another contract is out for the professional book tour company last month, who, in all their advertising, inadvertently switched book 3 Rowena and the Viking Warlord to… wait for it… Viking Landlord.  Yup.  Obviously there will be hell to pay if you forget the rent. 

Excerpt from Rowena and the Dark Lord:

Men’s voices again, echoing like souls lost in a fog. The mist lifted in one swift movement to disappear into nothingness. In its place, were at least a hundred men.

Bugger. I messed up.

“Houston, we have a problem,” I said out loud. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I must have pronounced one of the spell words wrong.

“Who is Houston?” Lars said.

“Romans!” Gareth hissed. He drew his sword.

“Romans?” I stared at the battle-scarred men before us. They looked exhausted. They also looked bloody, dirty and rather short. Not to mention confused.

How the heck could they be Romans?

Someone yelled “Form Square!” in—yup—that was Latin.

“What the hell?” I stared. The men came to life moving with purpose into a square. Within seconds we were facing a shield wall bristling with spears.

The man on horseback stared at me. No stirrups on his saddle. A helmet that was in history books. Definitely Roman. I stared back at him.

Romans? In this time? What the poop had I done?

“It’s a freaking temporal rift!” My laugh was strident. “Where is Spock when you need him?”

Amazon link for Rowena and the Dark Lord:

 Amazon

FREE to a Good Home! ROWENA THROUGH THE WALL - limited time offer!

Get it FREE! limited time offer

ROWENA THROUGH THE WALL

(Book 1 in the bestselling Land’s End Time Travel trilogy)

“Outlander meets Sex and the City” Vine Review

“Hot and Hilarious!”  Midwest Book Review

“A cross between Diana Gabaldon and Janet Evanovich”

“Is that a broadsword on your belt, or are you just glad to see me?”
When Rowena falls through her classroom wall into a medieval world, she doesn't count on being kidnapped - not once, but twice, dammit. Unwanted husbands keep piling up; not only that, she has eighteen year old Kendra to look out for and a war to prevent.

Good thing she can go back through the wall when she needs to...or can she?

Click here: http://tinyurl.com/6p2vhgr

 About the Author:

The Toronto Sun called her Canada’s “Queen of Comedy.”  Library Journal compared her to Janet Evanovich. Melodie Campbell has over 40 short story publications, 9 novels and 10 awards.  Rowena Through the Wall was an Amazon Top 100 Bestseller, putting her ahead of both Nora Roberts and Diana Gabaldon for a magical time.

The entire Land’s End Trilogy was a top 50 Amazon bestseller in January 2015!  You can read more of Rowena’s adventures in Rowena and the Dark Lord, and Rowena and the Viking Warlord.

Nefertiti, Noses, and the Definition of Pretty by Bad Girl

Many years ago at the Toronto Press Club, a man called me “Striking.”  (For the record, men have called me a lot of other things over the years.  “Bossy” immediately comes to mind.  But I digress.)

I was flattered, I think.  But I wasn’t exactly sure what ‘striking’ meant.  The language of men has always deluded me.  Let’s face it.  The way men think has always deluded me.

I asked around.

“Maybe it means you walk into a room and men feel struck by your beauty,” said friend Kathy, 

helpfully.

“Maybe it means you have a mean left hook,” said former friend John, who discovered that I did.

Recently, a man pointed me to this list of definitions, which apparently makes it all clear. 

Variations on the word ‘Pretty,’ when used to describe a female:

Beautiful: tall and pretty

Cute:  short and pretty

Striking:  pretty with a big nose

Sexy:  pretty with skimpy clothes

Charming: pretty and thinks you’re attractive

Attractive:  just pretty enough (it doesn’t say for what, but we can guess)

Okay, here’s the thing about noses.  My nose, of the good solid Roman variety, apparently made me a good photo model.  “You’re face has great planes,” said a former professional photographer.  “It doesn’t moosh into one flat surface on glossy paper.”

Damn straight, we wouldn’t want a nose that mooshes.  At the same time, I have to wonder about being defined by my nose.

So I asked my husband what ‘striking’ meant to him.

“It means you’re memorable,” he said wisely.  (Meaning, he was wise to say it.)  “Look at history.  That bust of Nefertiti – she had a big nose.  And everyone thinks she was the babe of her century.”

So that brings up another question:  What exactly do they mean by “babe”?

Respect me Bub, or I'll Stomp On You With My Stilettos

So a newish and very funny blogger friend  (Sara at Sara's Organized Chaos) is contemplating doing one of those glamour boudoir photo shoots. 

I said:  “DO IT DO IT DO IT!  I nearly did ‘back when’ but chickened out.  When I was 35, I could rock a boatload of sailors.  Now, I might possibly tip that boat if I stepped on in.  So do it now.”

Which has got me all thinking (dangerous at the best of times…)

This girl has spent her lifetime railing against the glass ceiling.  She took a Commerce degree and rocked business back when shoulder pads were big.  Okay, HUGE.  And liked them like that.

So what you’ve got here is one super-saturated power chick at the top of the fast food chain.  Treat me with respect bub, or I’ll stomp on you with my stilettos.  Oh, and pass the lipstick, ‘cause I wanna look sexy.

Why the flaming hell do I want to look sexy?  WHY?  I’ve got a perfectly good husband.  I’ve got a few good male friends who might be willing to step in if hubby doesn’t make it to the 10^th round.  (Of course I’m joking.  Why wouldn’t I be?)  There is no possible way I am looking for ANY new male attention of the prurient kind.

Yet here I am, fixing the long hair, wearing the underwire, cursing every new pound (the old ones should stop inviting new fat to the party).  Good thing the cleavage is still fine.  We’ll just show that off a bit. What the freaking hell is wrong with me?

“You can’t fight biology,” friend Jeannette says.

Well, my biology is sure freakin’ driving me crazy.  Can you spell contradiction?  Oxymoron?  Hypocritical?

Gotta run.  Teaching fiction writing tonight and I need an hour for my hair.

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