Monday 19 March 2012

TV TRAVESTY! (reprinted with permission)

Thanks to Mark from Hamilton (aka the Hammer) for requesting this repeat humour column, one of my personal favorites.  Reprinted with permission.

Okay, so it’s rerun season.  Does that mean we have to settle for absolutely brainless TV?  Are we doomed to watching mindless nighttime reruns of Friends and Family Guy on sixteen different channels in forty languages?  Of course not!  We can watch mindless reality shows!

But for those of you who are sick of reality and long for some realistic sex and violence on television, this is for you.  In the lofty traditions of Dallas, Dynasty and Desperate Housewives, make way for…            TRAVESTY!
Note the originality of the plot.  (Hey, it’s rerun season!)

INTERIOR.  A pink frilly bedroom.  Daytime.  An attractive young woman in full makeup and Victoria’s Secret underwear reclines on the bed, moaning fatuously.  An older man kneels by her side, wringing his well-manicured hands.

Lance:  “Tell me April, I gotta know.  Is the baby mine?”
April (in bed):  “Oh Lance!  Oh Lance! <sob!> …what baby?”
Michael enters the room.
Michael:  “April honey, I’ve got something to tell you.”
April:  “No - <sob> - not-“
Michael nods.
April:  “You?  And Lance?”
Lance:  “OH-MY-GOD”
Michael:  “And your mother’s been hit by a beer truck, and the boutique has burnt down.”
April (standing up in bed): “THE BOUTIQUE?”
Michael:  “We saved the clothes, but the jewelry was a meltdown. Sorry.”
April (clutching throat):  “I can’t take it anymore! This is too much for one day.”
Michael:  “And it’s only 8 a.m.”
Lance (clearing throat):  “About your mother…”
April (collapsing on bed):  “OH-MY-GOD, MOTHER!  She hated beer.”
Lance:  “I have something to tell you…”
April (to director):  “Do I faint now?”
Lance:  “…she’s actually not your mother…”
Michael:  “WHAT?”
April:  “You mean-“
Lance:  “Yes.  I am”
<gasps all around>
Michael:  “That trip to Sweden…?”
Lance:  “Yes.”
Michael:  “LANA?”
Lance:  “Yes.”
Michael:  “But didn’t we…?”
Lance:  “Yes.”
Director (to April):  “You can faint now.”
Everyone faints.

Stay tuned next week for more riveting drama, when April asks the question, “How do you tell if blue cheese is bad?”

Thursday 15 March 2012

Smashing Surprise Interview Video on Youtube!

Talk about a slick interviewer - Joey Pinkney took me completely by surprise!

This video is short but sweet - just under a minute.  I love how he zeroed in on my comedy.

Get the whole interview at:

We're All Back Home from International Time Travel Day!

We made it back safely!  And what a ride it was...

Thanks to everyone who participated in INTERNATIONAL TIME TRAVEL DAY by entering the contest.  Winners are being notified today.

Thanks also to the authors who so generously contributed books! 

We'll be back in a few months with another event - watch this space.

Monday 12 March 2012

March 14 is INTERNATIONAL TIME TRAVEL DAY! Multi-Author Giveaway (no, we're not giving away authors...)


By no coincidence, it is also the birthday of Albert Einstein, author of the “space and time bend" theory.

Join 12 Time Travel Authors across North America as they celebrate International Time Travel Day with great giveaways!

Visit the following blogs/websites on March 14, and leave a comment on each for your chance to win free books that celebrate time travel in all its guises:

Funny or scary….sexy or sweet…rollicking adventure stories…

 Participating Authors:
Madeline Baker     

Melodie Campbell 

Nell DuVall           

Pauline B. Jones    

Chris Karlsen       

Laura Martello     

Troy McCombs  

Theresa Ragan     

Cate Rowan        

Terry Spear          

Lizzie Starr          

Cheryl Kaye Tardif

Nicholas Wisseman


Leave a comment with your email address on this blog to win books from Melodie Campbell, Cate Rowan, Nicholas Wisseman and Nell DuVall!
(If you  prefer not to make your email address public, you can enter by emailing Melodie at

Winners will be notified on March 15.

Thursday 8 March 2012

More Humor! Sherwood Forest Without the Trees

One more humor column before the INTERNATIONAL TIME TRAVEL DAY Giveaway on March 14!

Sherwood Forest Without the Trees

For the record, the national WINTER sport of Canada may be hockey, but the national SPRING sport is without question looking at model homes.

“I don’t know why we keep looking at these, “grumbles my husband as we stomp up the steps to ‘The Nottingham.’  “We can’t afford the house we’ve got.”

“Nuts,” I say.  “Think of all the neat decorating ideas we can get.” 

This generates about as much enthusiasm as a mass accident on the Don Valley Parkway.

I grab the swoopy brass handle and shove in the door.  The vestibule is already occupied, specifically with two tub chairs and a four-foot brass giraffe.  Its exact purpose escapes me.  Maybe this is the ‘African Safari’ model?

“What do you think of the decorating?” I grab a glossy sales brochure from the back of the giraffe.

He shrugs. “Brown and beige is nice.”

“That’s not brown and beige.”  I read from the spec sheet. “That’s ‘Maple syrup, Cognac, and Mink.”

We face miles of mirrors and a pair of French doors every twelve or so feet.  I catch a sideways glance of myself and see four of me, all overweight.  We grimace at each other.

The kitchen is directly down the hall.  It’s ‘European Modern’ which as far as I can see, means white.  Everything’s white.  White cupboards, white walls, white ceramic floors.  You need sunglasses here just to peel a grape.

We troop up the regulation circular staircase to the masses of bedrooms and bathrooms above.

The master bedroom is approximately the size of the Skydome.  “Look at the size of this bathroom,” says my husband.

I peek around the connecting door.  Two sinks, whirlpool tub, separate shower, designer toilet and approximately 22,000 white tiles.  I see Comet and Windex in my future.  Mr. Clean, a constant companion.

“Have you noticed,” hisses my husband, “that there’s nothing but plants in this house?”

I agree.  It’s eerie.  No kitchen table, no furniture, no pictures, but a plant in every bedroom.  A palm in the foyer and an aspidistra in the family room.  They look smug.  I am reminded of Triffids.

We make our way cautiously downstairs.

I pick up a price list on the way out and browse through it in the car.  “It can be ours for a minor addition of $400,000 to our mortgage.”

The engine cranks over and we pull out onto ‘Sherwood Forest Boulevard.’  Not a tree in sight.

“Wait a minute!” I exclaim. “Over there by that big sign – look at that cute little house with the Cape Cod roof.”

“That’s the sales trailer.”  My husband looks askance.  But I am made of sterner stuff.

“Stop the car.  We might just be able to afford it.”

Tuesday 6 March 2012


Watch this space for GREAT GIVEAWAYS on International Time Travel day - details coming soon!

Monday 5 March 2012

2nd Prize at the Arts Hamilton Awards!

Last night, "Life Without George" took 2nd prize at the Arts Hamilton national short fiction awards!

This was particularly emotional for me, as the awards are named for Kerry Schooley, who died last year, and who was a former writing student of mine.

Many thanks to my Hamilton friends who came out to cheer me on!

More news on the publication of "Life Without George" will be coming shortly.

Thursday 1 March 2012

Finalist for The Derringer Award!

Many thanks to Jayne Barnard for alerting me that I have been named a finalist for THE DERRINGER!
I am thrilled to pieces.

THE DERRINGER AWARDS are presented by The Short Mystery Fiction Society, and are awarded at the World Mystery Conference (Bouchercon) each year.  This year's event will be in Cleveland, Oct. 4-7.

Yes, I am going!  Thanks to everyone for your ongoing support and encouragement.