Sunday, 29 December 2013

Burglars Beware! The Ultimate Booby-Trap (reprinted from The Sage, where Bad Girl lurks on a regular basis)

Somebody tried to sell me a home security device the other day.  Apparently, this device is rigged so that it would alert me when someone was breaking into the house.  This amazed me, in that – if I am home – I usually know when someone is breaking into my house.  Rather than announce his presence (“A Burglar, Madam”) it would seem to me a lot more useful if someone would invent something that would bop the intruder over the head.

But I don’t need fancy home security systems because there is no possible way a burglar could get past my secret weapon.  It’s cheap and it’s foolproof.  It’s so fiendish, I expect it will soon be outlawed at the next Geneva Convention.  Let me put it this way: if the Spanish Inquisition had known about it, everyone would have confessed to everything.

To wit:
LOCATION:  Madrid, 15-something-or-other, in a damp dungeon (not even a three-star)

“Stubborn, eh?  Still won’t confess?  Okay, Cardinal Wolsey – bring the secret weapon!”
<horrified gasps all around>

“Not the <gulp> not the…”

“Yes! <fiendish giggle> Get the little pieces of LEGO!”
<screams of unparalleled anguish and fear>

“ARGH!  No, please!  No!  I confess!”

It works like this:  You step on the itty bitty piece of Lego, whereupon it pierces your bare foot, sending searing needles of agony all the way up to your brain.  This in turn causes all of your bones to suddenly melt and turn you into a pain-filled gibbering mass of jelly on the floor. 

I don’t know if you have ever walked barefoot across a minefield of individual Lego bits, but believe me, General Schwartzkoff missed out on a good weapon.  Marbles have a similar effect, but those little plastic Lego corners kinda put the icing on the proverbial cupcake.  Methinks the Lego people have missed a terrific marketing opportunity here.  In fact, right after this column is done, I’m going into business.  “Killer Lego” should be on the shelves by Christmas, ready to be scattered on floors everywhere.

Actually, if you really want to keep burglars away, it’s simple.  Throw a few ride-um toys on the front lawn of your home – preferable boy ones.  Then everyone will know you have kids, so there couldn’t possibly be anything of value left inside…

Melodie Campbell writes funny books.  The Goddaughter’s Revenge has just been released and is available at Chapters and Amazon.


  1. Live in my neighbourhood and burglars pretty much come to the conclusion they should be bringing us stuff, not taking it.

  2. Alison, for years when we went away, I would put a sign on Dave's 1976 Pioneer stereo "Please Take This." Right now I feel that way about my fridge. I hate my fridge.

  3. Melodie: So funny. If only burglars would arrive barefooted.