More Completely Useless Advice from Morticia (With apologies to sane folk everywhere)

Back from Bouchercon, with a Derringer in my Pocket!  (Okay, a Derringer Award...close enough.)

Here's some more Morticia, to tide this website over until the jet lag clears...

Read the National Expirer

…for the best in Graveyard Journalism

Dear Morticia,

I just got an invitation to a ritzy wedding, and wouldn’t you know, I’m supposed to bring an escort.  What should I do?  I’m between men right now.

Signed, Forlorn

Dear For,

Bring both.  (I never mind being between men, honey.)

Dear Morticia,

Help!  All these chores need to be done and I’m exhausted.  What can I do?  The baby was sick again and kept me up all night.

Signed Tired

Dear Tired,

Sorry honey, but you married him.

Dear Morticia,

I’ve just found out that the guy I’ve been dating is a real snake.  What should I do?

Signed, Livid

Dear Livid,

Belt him.  (Act fast: this relationship is bound to be constricting.)

Dear Morticia

I am a born again Christian and now have a totally different perception of the afterlife.  I urge you to give up your misguided ways and find the true meaning of life.

Signed, Second Chance

Dear Second,

No thanks.  I wanted to be born again, but Mom said No.

Confidential to Offended in Oakville: You are absolutely right, and a girl has a right to pick and choose.  I would never agree to try that position with a man I wasn’t married to.  I mean, what would your husband say?

The Worst of 'Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy'

You asked for it - now live with it!  More from Morticia (reprinted with permission)

Get in shape with BODIES BY MORTICIA

...Select yours today!

Dear Morticia;
My wife can't go a day without playing bingo.  What's your impression of a woman like that?
Signed Fed Up

Dear Fed;
Sorry, I don't do impressions.  This is an advice column.

Dear Morticia;
My husband works shifts and comes home so tired he can barely carry on a conversation.  How can I keep him from falling asleep on me?
Signed, Frustrated

Dear Frust;
Push him off.  Next...

Dear Morticia;
Are you busy this weekend?  Party at my house - I finally got rid of my parents!
Signed, Home Alone

Dear Al;
That's nice.  Did you manage to make it look like an accident?

Dear Morticia;
My mother and I read your advice column every month and we are appalled by the ridiculous advice you give.  In fact, we can't believe you actually get paid to produce this kind of trashy garbage on a regular basis.
Signed Disgusted in Durham

Dear Gus;
Wait a sec...you mean they're supposed to pay ME?

Morticia will return to these pages if somebody doesn't kill her off first.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books. You can buy them at Chapters, Amazon and the usual suspects. The Artful Goddaughter now available.

The Bloody Words Address by the Mattress of Ceremonies (yes, you read that right)

Miss the Bloody Words Banquet last weekend?  Here is a sample of the opening address…

(with apologies in advance to serious people everywhere):

From the start, Cheryl and I had discussions about what to call me.

Master of Ceremonies didn’t seem quite right, as we both agreed I’m a master at nothing.

Mistress of Ceremonies…if we went with that, seeing it was me, people would be expecting whips and chains.  And then I might be mistaken for Gloria Ferris tonight.

I suggested Mistake of Ceremonies.  That may very well turn out to be true.

And then, in a particularly zany moment, when we were in that frantic period leading up to the con, we came up with Mattress of Ceremonies, because I was so (wait for it…)   supportive.

Last summer, when Cheryl TOLD me I was doing this… <no laughter>.  Cheryl, they either know you really well, or not at all.

Anyways, the diet started last August, and I’m pleased to report that I’ve lost 2 pounds.  I should reach my goal weight in 2038.

So…there wasn’t much I could do in the thin department.  But maybe I could do something about looking younger.  So I did something I’ve never done before.  I bought a face cream that was guaranteed to make me look decades younger.  To my surprise, it worked.  I broke out all over and looked about 14.

People will notice I’m not wearing the dress that I wore for the Crime Scene photos.  Unfortunately, that dress had a serious cleavage issue.   Cheryl and I decided that if I wore that dress, Kevin Thornton would start a pool on whether there would be a wardrobe malfunction tonight.

<Kevin yelled “20 to 1 For, Mel” from the back of the room.  Unscripted.>

But that suggested to me that I really ought to get some new underwear.  It’s been a while, and I could use a new bra and gauchies.  Something glam.  But you wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find something in my size.  They really don’t make a lot of bras in 38 Long.

To be continued….

The REAL Christmas Newsletter! (reprinted with permission and a flagrant disregard for convention)

One thing I hate even more than the current gang of thieves in Ottawa is the annual Christmas Newsletter brag sheet.  You know the type…when people who can’t be bothered to pick up a phone all year long suddenly feel you can’t possibly survive another day without knowing their intimate business.

Have you ever noticed that nothing BAD ever happens to these people?  Where is the heartbreaking stuff?  The flunked tests?  WHERE ARE ALL THE STUPID FINANCIAL DECISIONS? 

Luckily, I’m learning to read between the lines.  Here is my version of what really happened:

Hello to all our dear friends!  Here it is, Christmas time once more, and I still haven’t gotten around to spring cleaning again.  Oh well – good thing nobody ever comes here.  They wouldn’t be able to get around the empty cases of brew in the front hall. 

I’m happy to report that things are back to normal after Ted broke his leg trying to resist arrest.  It was all a silly mistake; he never would have smashed into the cruiser if they’d had their lights on.  Luckily they have terrific medical facilities in the Don Jail, and Ted is on the mend.

And just when you thought it couldn’t happen, young Wally flunked grade 10 for the third time.  The Principal seems to think this is a record, which just goes to show that Wally can be outstanding when he puts his mind to it.

You may have heard that we’ve added a son-in-law to the family.  We also have a new grandchild, who arrived about the same time.  The birth was easier than the wedding, and luckily the father of the bride missed both, as he was otherwise detained <see above>.

Dear Grandpa is just as spry as ever.  He totters around town waving to all the girls and showing them his new trench coat.  He’s really proud of the plaid lining, too.

Aren’t families wonderful.  And as for me…well you may have heard about Ted’s last foray into the stock market before he lost his job.  They took the house, but I still have the dog, and frankly, except for a little touch of pneumonia, we do fine on Queen Street.

Well, that’s it for now.  How was your year?

Just in time for Halloween…More from Morticia’s Massage Parlour and Advice Academy

(as seen in The Sage)

BAD GIRL

By Melodie Campbell

Try Morticia’s relaxing noose therapy (patent pending)

We’ll have you dead calm in minutes…

Dear Morticia

I am a novice writer attempting my first novel.  Can you give me any advice?

Signed, Steven Kingsley

Dear Steve;

To be honest, I’m not much of a fiction writer.  I have lots of great plots, but sadly, my characters are lifeless.

Dear Morticia;

Are you personally acquainted with any spirits?

Signed, Tele Pathic

Dear Tel;

Natch. I’ve gotten to know Jack Daniels quite well over the years.  I’m also acquainted with Johnny Walker (…deadly for long spells, frankly my dear).

Dear Morticia;

Whatever shall I do?  My eighty year old father has just been arrested for exposing himself – do you think they can make it stick?

Signed, Aghast in Agincourt

Dear Ag;

Couldn’t say for sure.  I once knew a ghost who was caught flashing, but they couldn’t pin anything on him.

Dear Morticia;

I’m a firm believer in the Occult and participate regularly in séances.  Are you a medium?

Signed, Spirtually Inclined

Dear Inc;

Nope, I’m a large.  Especially where it counts, hon.

Dear Morticia;

Do you actually get all this ridiculous mail, or do you make it up yourself?

Signed Skeptic

Dear Skep;

Of course I don’t make it up!  I have a ghostwriter.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE.  You can find them at Chapters and online at Amazon and most other retailers.

Bad Girl Comedy - More from Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy (reprinted with permission)

More from Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy

Many thanks to those demented people who asked for more of Morticia.  (reprinted with Permission)

Brought to you by:  MORTICIA & CO., Distributors of Aftermarket Body Parts.

Dear Morticia;
My husband was married once before.  When he passes on, would it be appropriate to bury him beside his first wife?
Signed Planning Ahead

Dear Head;
Only if she's dead first.

Dear Morticia;
I keep asking my boss for a raise, but he keeps saying no.  As a last resort, I'm thinking of offering him my body.  Think it will work?
Signed Blondie in Bowmanville

Dear Blondie;
Gee, I don't know.  Chances are he has a perfectly good body of his own.

Dear Morticia;
My boyfriend and I won five hundred thousand dollars in a lottery.  I want to buy a house and he wants to buy a 427 AC Cobra four speed.  What should we do?
Signed Homeless

Dear Less;
Recent reports suggest that it is very difficult if not impossible to prepare a proper meal on a 427 engine block.  On the other hand, most houses built today can't travel at more than 2 miles per hours.  Tell you what.  Forward the winnings to my address and I'll do a test run for ya.

Dear Morticia;
What is the quickest way to a woman's heart?
No Don Juan

Dear No Don;
Zippered sweaters, although wrap-around blouses run a close second.