The Bloody Words Address by the Mattress of Ceremonies (yes, you read that right)

Miss the Bloody Words Banquet last weekend?  Here is a sample of the opening address…

(with apologies in advance to serious people everywhere):

From the start, Cheryl and I had discussions about what to call me.

Master of Ceremonies didn’t seem quite right, as we both agreed I’m a master at nothing.

Mistress of Ceremonies…if we went with that, seeing it was me, people would be expecting whips and chains.  And then I might be mistaken for Gloria Ferris tonight.

I suggested Mistake of Ceremonies.  That may very well turn out to be true.

And then, in a particularly zany moment, when we were in that frantic period leading up to the con, we came up with Mattress of Ceremonies, because I was so (wait for it…)   supportive.

Last summer, when Cheryl TOLD me I was doing this… <no laughter>.  Cheryl, they either know you really well, or not at all.

Anyways, the diet started last August, and I’m pleased to report that I’ve lost 2 pounds.  I should reach my goal weight in 2038.

So…there wasn’t much I could do in the thin department.  But maybe I could do something about looking younger.  So I did something I’ve never done before.  I bought a face cream that was guaranteed to make me look decades younger.  To my surprise, it worked.  I broke out all over and looked about 14.

People will notice I’m not wearing the dress that I wore for the Crime Scene photos.  Unfortunately, that dress had a serious cleavage issue.   Cheryl and I decided that if I wore that dress, Kevin Thornton would start a pool on whether there would be a wardrobe malfunction tonight.

<Kevin yelled “20 to 1 For, Mel” from the back of the room.  Unscripted.>

But that suggested to me that I really ought to get some new underwear.  It’s been a while, and I could use a new bra and gauchies.  Something glam.  But you wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find something in my size.  They really don’t make a lot of bras in 38 Long.

To be continued….