Sunday, 9 November 2014

The Worst of 'Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy'



You asked for it - now live with it!  More from Morticia (reprinted with permission)

Get in shape with BODIES BY MORTICIA

...Select yours today!

Dear Morticia;
My wife can't go a day without playing bingo.  What's your impression of a woman like that?
Signed Fed Up

Dear Fed;
Sorry, I don't do impressions.  This is an advice column.

Dear Morticia;
My husband works shifts and comes home so tired he can barely carry on a conversation.  How can I keep him from falling asleep on me?
Signed, Frustrated

Dear Frust;
Push him off.  Next...

Dear Morticia;
Are you busy this weekend?  Party at my house - I finally got rid of my parents!
Signed, Home Alone

Dear Al;
That's nice.  Did you manage to make it look like an accident?

Dear Morticia;
My mother and I read your advice column every month and we are appalled by the ridiculous advice you give.  In fact, we can't believe you actually get paid to produce this kind of trashy garbage on a regular basis.
Signed Disgusted in Durham

Dear Gus;
Wait a sec...you mean they're supposed to pay ME?

Morticia will return to these pages if somebody doesn't kill her off first.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books. You can buy them at Chapters, Amazon and the usual suspects. The Artful Goddaughter now available.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

More from Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy

Many thanks to those demented people who asked for more of Morticia.  (reprinted with Permission)

Brought to you by:  MORTICIA & CO., Distributors of Aftermarket Body Parts.


Dear Morticia;
My husband was married once before.  When he passes on, would it be appropriate to bury him beside his first wife?
Signed Planning Ahead

Dear Head;
Only if she's dead first.

Dear Morticia;
I keep asking my boss for a raise, but he keeps saying no.  As a last resort, I'm thinking of offering him my body.  Think it will work?
Signed Blondie in Bowmanville

Dear Blondie;
Gee, I don't know.  Chances are he has a perfectly good body of his own.

Dear Morticia;
My boyfriend and I won five hundred thousand dollars in a lottery.  I want to buy a house and he wants to buy a 427 AC Cobra four speed.  What should we do?
Signed Homeless

Dear Less;
Recent reports suggest that it is very difficult if not impossible to prepare a proper meal on a 427 engine block.  On the other hand, most houses built today can't travel at more than 2 miles per hours.  Tell you what.  Forward the winnings to my address and I'll do a test run for ya.

Dear Morticia;
What is the quickest way to a woman's heart?
No Don Juan

Dear No Don;
Zippered sweaters, although wrap-around blouses run a close second.


(Postscript from author:  in case you are wondering, question 3 today is the author's personal favorite of the many dozen Q&As created for this column over the years. We never claimed to be sane.) 

Friday, 31 October 2014

Morticia's Massage Parlour and Free Advice Academy



Back in the bad ole days, I had a gig writing a wacky advice column for a resto/bar trade mag.  On the urging of a few friends who have absolutely no taste, I am bringing Morticia back to life <sic> on these pages.  Reprinted with permission...


Dear Morticia:
This guy I really like has finally asked me out.  Thing is, I met him at a beach and he doesn't know I wear glasses.  Should I wear them on our first date?
Signed:  Short sighted

Dear Short:
That depends.  What does he look like?


Dear Morticia:
I've been sleeping with a piece of wedding cake under my pillow since last April and it isn't doing a thing.  What do you suggest?
Signed:  Always a Bridesmaid

Dear Always:
Personally, I've never seen the point of sharing your pillow with wedding cake.  Why don't your try a man instead?  Lots more fun and not near as messy.

Dear Morticia:
All I want is a man who doesn't play golf all weekend long.  Is that too much to ask?
Signed Weekend Widow

Dear Weak:
Really?  That's ALL you want from a man?  Must get pretty boring at night....

Dear Morticia:
I like your style.  How about a date, Sugar?
Signed: Swinger

Dear Swing:
Sure!  January 27th?  August 18th?  11/04/21?  MCXXII?

To be continued....


Sunday, 26 October 2014

CHARIOTS OF THE GUYS - by Bad Girl, reprinted with permission

 Some very kind readers have asked that I dredge up some of my old comedy, back to early days.  So here we go.  I got paid to write these (and in some cases, perform them) back in the prehistoric era (note the clever connection to the final paragraph :)
One of the things I hate even more than high school reunions is buying a new car.  It’s not that I don’t like cars.  I am really quite fond of them. Especially in winter.  What I don’t like is the buying process.  There is something inherently different about men and women when they go looking at cars in a dealership.  You even have to wonder if they are members of the same species.

Husband (reverently caressing cold metal with both hands):  “Look at this beauty!  4.0 litre, five speed, Recarro seats, mag wheels, racing suspension, electric moon roof, power mulcher, moog synthesizer, ballistic missile launcher…”

Wife:  “It’s red.  I hate red.”

This basic lack of communication goes right back to the way men and women look at ‘things’.  Amazingly, they can be looking at the same thing and see something entirely different.  Men, for instance, will look at a car as if it something beyond a box with four wheels that moves forward and backward.  To them, it is not merely a car.  Nope.  It is the culmination of adolescent dreams, the elusive mistress of middle age, the Ben Hur of all chariots.  Me, I’m more concerned with whether it will get me to the shopping mall and back without falling into a million pieces.  Which is why we had this misunderstanding at the dealership last weekend:

Me:  “This car has two seats.”

He (enthusiastically checking the interior):  “Yes!  Aren’t they great?”

Me:  “I’m not denying they are very nice seats.  Beautiful, in fact.  But there are four of us.”

He (looking irritably at the kids):  “They’re young.  They’ve got legs.”

Kid One:  “But Dad…where are we all going to sit when we have to drive someplace?”

He (aghast):  Good Gad, you’re not actually expect me to drive this car on the road?  The paint might get chipped.”

Then he did what all men have been programmed to do from the beginning of time.  He kicked the tire.  I’ve often wondered about this practice.  And I expect Ben Hur’s wife pondered the very same thing two thousand year ago, when good ole Ben whacked the wheel of that Roman chariot with his leather sandal.  Exactly what purpose does this serve?

I’ll never understand it.  But as far as I can see, all of this started about forty thousand years ago when Urgh the slightly-brighter-than-normal Neanderthal invented the wheel.  Irma, his loyal wife, stood on the sidelines shaking her head, while Urgh enthusiastically painted on racing stripes.  “Argh urf org grunt bfff bfff,” she said (loosely translated to, “Oh dinosaur droppings, not another blasted toy.  When will this ever end.”)  And of course, it hasn’t yet.

Saturday, 25 October 2014

Sunday! Learn all about mystery writing with Melodie Campbell

...on Gail Anderson-Dargatz's Public Online Forum!  In real time.  All welcome.

Hey writers! This coming Sunday, Melodie Campbell, award-winning mystery writer, Canada's Queen of Comedy and executive director of Crime Writers of Canada, is our guest on my public online forum "Gail's Kitchen." I've asked Melodie to talk about mystery structure, offer some writing tips and give us an insider's view of this end of the industry. Please join our audience from 9 to 11 PST (noon to 2 ET).

Details:http://www.gailanderson-dargatz.ca/cms/

Friday, 24 October 2014

THE GODDAUGHTER CAPER coming in 2016! Contracts signed....

I'm very pleased to announce that THE GODDAUGHTER CAPER, book 4 in the award-winning Goddaughter mob comedy series, will be published by Orca Books in 2016.

Gina, Nico and the Last Chance Club from the Holy Cannoli Retirement Home will be back with another zany adventure.  The Last Chance Club was first introduced in this book, released last week:


http://www.amazon.com/Artful-Goddaughter-Rapid-Reads-ebook/dp/B00N9J7L4C/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414160508&sr=1-1&keywords=the+artful+goddaughter

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Crowdfunding nEveremore! An anthology of mystery, murder and the macabre...

We're pleased to lend this page to good friend and colleague Caro Soles for a very interesting project!  Read below.
 
Caro Soles, co-editor with Nancy Kilpatrick 
We have a great concept, a publisher, big names writing for us, and three spots for anyone who wants to enter a story in our Contest, run from the Indiegogo Crowdfunding site. Why do we need funding? Because this venture follows the growing trend of making small projects from non-major presses into big books that are able to pay professional rates just like the big guys. And it is working! But we are running out of time, and if we do not meet our goal by this Thursday night, we lose everything. We need your support! Now! We believe that this campaign is for anyone who values the arts, particularly publishing, and wants to support an intriguing project. If you care about the value of the arts, if you care about literature, supporting us will provide you with the wonderful feeling of aiding this art form directly, helping literature stay alive and remain healthy, and paying writers what they deserve! Art is worth something. Artists should be paid. nEvermore! is an anthology for readers who enjoy the Gothic style in both mysteries and weird, dark fiction and who want to explore a blending of these two realms in the story-style of Edgar Allan Poe. Help bring a touch of gothic into our world! Click this link and make your contribution. And choose a Poe-themed perk! Some of them are fun. Some unique. All unusual. Just our way of thanking you for being a Patron of the Arts! http://igg.me/at/nevermoreanthology