BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND (thanks, Mom!) The wacky advice column they used to pay me to write, back when people had lots of enthusiasm but absolutely no taste ...
Try Morticia’s relaxing noose therapy (patent pending)
We’ll have you dead calm in minutes…
I am a novice writer attempting my first novel. Can you give me any advice?
Signed, Steven Kingsley
To be honest, I’m not much of a fiction writer. I have lots of great plots, but sadly, my characters are lifeless.
Are you personally acquainted with any spirits?
Signed, Tele Pathic
Natch. I’ve gotten to know Jack Daniels quite well over the years. I’m also acquainted with Johnny Walker (…deadly for long spells, frankly my dear).
Whatever shall I do? My eighty year old father has just been arrested for exposing himself – do you think they can make it stick?
Signed, Aghast in Agincourt
Couldn’t say for sure. I once knew a ghost who was caught flashing, but they couldn’t pin anything on him.
I’m a firm believer in the Occult and participate regularly in séances. Are you a medium?
Signed, Spirtually Inclined
Nope, I’m a large. Especially where it counts, hon.
Do you actually get all this ridiculous mail, or do you make it up yourself?
Of course I don’t make it up! I have a ghostwriter.
Melodie Campbell writes funny books. Please buy them, or she will continue to post more Morticia, and it will be all your fault.