Why I could never be a Modern Fiction Novel Heroine

Let’s call her Tiffany.  Nah, too twee.  How about Jen.  Meet our

fiction heroine, Jen.  She’s a modern girl. Has her own condo. Drives a car. Lives in the city. Has a meaningful job.  All in all, a typical modern heroine of a fiction novel.    

Sounds reasonable, but I couldn’t be her.  I’m all for ‘suspension of disbelief’ in fantasy, but my world requires more human elements.  To wit:

THINGS THAT BUG ME ABOUT MODERN FICTIONAL HEROINES

1.  They look great all the time.

By this I mean: she gets up in the morning, perfect quaffed.  She dons clothes for her work day.  Maybe goes for a jog.  And spends absolutely no time in front of the mirror swabbing on makeup or doing her hair.  Did you ever notice fiction novel heroines look great in the morning without doing anything?  They may have a shit-load of angst about their personal lives, but apparently, they have Barbie doll hair.

As of immediately, name of heroine is changed to Barbie.

2.  They never eat.

Oh, they got out to dinner a lot.  You may even hear them order food.  But when it comes, do they ever eat it?  No! Barbie is far too busy arguing with her dinner companion, and then getting upset.

So many books, so many meals where our intrepid plucky heroine says, “oh my, I’m so upset, I couldn’t eat a thing.”

What is it with these feeble women who can’t eat?  Who the hell are they?  What do they exist on? 

When I’m upset, I eat, dammit.  Gotta fuel up for the famine that’s going to come sometime in the next 400 years.

If I hear another TSTL heroine say she’s too upset to eat, I’m going to shove the virtual dinner in her vapid virtual face and watch her choke to death.  Oh.  But then someone would have to rescue her.

EAT THE DAMN MEAL.

3.  They never go to the bathroom.

Twenty-four hours a day, we’re with this dame.  Does she ever go to the loo?  I mean, for other than a quick swipe of lipstick and a gabfest with friends?

Do none of these women have periods?

Do they not have to offload some by-products?  EVER?

Oh right.  Barbie is always too upset to eat a thing.  Therefore, nothing to offload. What was I thinking?

Cranky author disclosure:  Just so you know, Gina Gallo of The Goddaughter series loves her food.  You’ll see her eat it.  She sneaks off to the bathroom (offstage, so don’t freak.)  She looks like shit in the morning. Just like me.  Even Rowena of my fantasy books goes to the outhouse and enjoys her meals.  (Not at the same time.)

IWSG DAY! Star Ratings - how they haunt us, and what they mean

Welcome IWSGers!  My biggest insecurity?  Star ratings.

When my first novel was published, my mentor told me: “Don’t look at your reviews on Amazon and Goodreads.  Particularly Goodreads.  No, really.  Don’t.  If your book continues to sell, then you know it’s good.  If your publisher buys your next book, then you know it is good.  Don’t  torture yourself by reading the criticism of non-writers.”

I found it next to impossible to follow his advice.  The lure of reviews on your work is pretty strong.

It took ten books – all published by traditional publishers – before I really felt I had a handle on ‘the dreaded review star rating.’  Here’s my list. (My opinion only, everyone. You may have a different interpretation.)

Anatomy of Star ratings

Five stars:  Just one word: Joy!
Bless them, every one.  A million thanks to reviewers who take the time to tell you they loved your book.

Four stars:  Okay, they really liked it. Maybe even loved it.  But even if they loved it, some people  reserve five stars for their very favourite authors, and the masters, like Jane Austen.  And literary writers.  A genre novel is...well…a genre novel.  Not quite as worthy (in some eyes).  But they really enjoyed it.

Three stars:  These are the ones that make me sad.  A reader is telling me that the book was okay.  I want them to think it was great!  Sometimes, this can be a reader who loved your books in another genre, and decided to try this book that is in a different genre, one they don’t normally read.  Often, they will give you that clue in the review (“I don’t normally read scifi”). 

For instance, I have enjoyed Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series very much.  Recently, I tried one of her romantic comedies (classified under the Romance genre.)  I am not a romance reader, and not surprisingly, I found this book lacking in the type of fast-paced plot I enjoy.  I would probably give it a 3 rating, where no doubt a seasoned romance reader would give it a 4 or 5.

Two stars:  These are often people who wandered into your book by mistake.  They thought it sounded interesting, so they bought it thinking it was one thing, and it wasn’t.  They’re mad at having spent money on something that isn’t their thing.  It’s not a happy event when you get these, but understand that these people aren’t your market.

One star:  These are simply people who enjoy hurting others.  Ignore them.  I do.

Here’s my advice, if you find that reviews haunt you, and keep you from writing:

1.  Stop reading them.  Really.  

2.  Never comment on a review.  Never.

3.   If you can, employ a personal assistant to read your reviews as they come in, and forward you the good ones only.  (This is my dream.  One day.)

One more thing: When you give away a book for free, there is a downside: you often get people picking it up who wouldn't normally spend money on that type of book.  Not surprisingly, they might not like it, as they are not your market.  Always expect some poor reviews, if you give a book away.  There are still many good reasons to do so.  Just be prepared.

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IWSG Day! My Novel is a Mess (How to survive the chaos point in your novel)

Welcome IWSGers!


Is your novel ever a mess?


By Melodie Campbell  (Bad Girl)

Yes, I’m at that point.  Writing to a specific word count, three-quarters written, and my eleventh novel is an unqualified mess. 

If you are a veteran writer like me, you say it’s not going to happen this time.  But it does.

EVERY FREAKING TIME.

Here’s why:  

The Linear Approach:

This time, you are going to write linear, by gawd.  One chapter after another, in mathematical order, until you reach the end.  Each chapter will have an outline.

But here’s the problem with that.  You signed a contract that specifies a pretty exact word count.  Is your story going to magically end at the precise word count you need?

Damn straight, it’s not.  It’s going to meander along, minding its own business, taking little side trips, refusing to stay on course.

Because, of course, outlines are just that.  They’re a guide.  You don’t know whether the story is really going to pull together with sufficient motivation and all the goodies until you actually write the thing.  And here’s what happens along the way:

You need a new character to make the plot work.  You just thought of a fab new subplot.  Orlando doesn’t work as a side-setting.  You need to move it to Phoenix, and that means a whole lot of changes…

And before you know it, you’re scribbling on the outline, adding this, subtracting that, and it hits you in the face. Your book is a mess.

Scene plus Scene

I write comedy, and comedy is finicky.  Those good lines come when they come, and you have to get them down fast.  Sometimes they’ll present themselves to me when I’m in a restaurant.  Sometimes, when I’m already in bed.  (Yes, I keep a pen and paper on my bedside table. Ditto, by the loo.)

I always have an outline.  But when writing a highly comedic book, you have to write those funny scenes when you are inspired.  This means hopping around the timeline, writing the scene that works for you today, thinking of another great line, hopping back to an old scene to insert it, when you should be moving forward.  

Which brings you to this point: the important scenes are written, and they present themselves like completed sections of a jigsaw puzzle.  Little isolated islands without any bridges to each other.  You need to find the pieces that are missing and write the bits to connect them.

Because Sister, your novel is a mess.

That’s the point I’m at now.  The comedy is there.  The conflicts are in place.  The climax is written.  Now I need to take that kaleidoscope and move those pieces into the pattern that works best.

How to cope?  I think the best thing you can do is accept that this is going to happen.  Unless you are a robotic automaton lacking inspiration, you are going to veer from the plan more than once. 

At some point, every novel you write is going to be a mess. 

My advice: just accept it.  And understand that part of your role as writer is that of clean-up artist. 

That’s where I stand today, staring at a story that looks like a tornado just ran through it.

Time for the cleanup crew.  And a healthy wee dram or two.

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Melodie Campbell writes funny books, including the multi-award-winning The Goddaughter's Revenge.  She would feel much more secure if you would buy it.  For a sneak peek,  Click here

The Black Dog Lives Part Time at my House

(a serious post, just to prove I can write one)

Dammit, I’m insecure again.

I have two dogs.  Frankenpoodle is friendly ginger giant of a mutt who lies on the couch next to me as I write.

The other one is black.

The black dog has no name, but haunts me like a ghost.  It wanders in and out of my life, with no listed itinerary.  One minute, I can be writing the best novel of my career.  The next day, I am in a straight-jacket of doubt, unable to type.

It shouldn’t be thus.  No one believes I do this dance with the black dog.  Not me, the comedy writer.  People expect black comedy, maybe.  But not the dark shadow of the black dog.  

I am not first by far.  Better and far more famous writers than me have been stalked by this crippling creature. That is some consolation.  Good company is always a blessing.

I’ve tried numerous things to shoo it away.

1.      Awards

We authors long to win awards and be recognized by a jury of our peers.  For some, it is the pinnacle of acceptance, the final reassurance that we are not writing crap.

I’ve won 10 awards.  I won three big ones last year.  It felt great.  It should be all any writer needs, for the rest of their life.

Every author knows you can’t win every award every year.  You can’t even expect to be shortlisted two years in a row.  So why does one feel particularly inadequate when the inevitable happens, after a particularly good year?

2.      Sales

Your first book has stellar sales.  Your second book gets two awards, but sales aren’t quite as good.  Your third book in the series gets no awards, but sales are steady.  Still not as stellar as book one though.

With my first book, I would have been happy if 400 people had bought and read it.  Then, it was 4000.  Now, I won’t be satisfied until 40,000 have bought and read it.  Reaching for sales is soul-sucking.  You can never sell enough.  The next plateau is always beyond reach. No one will ever be satisfied.

3.       Book contracts

Your publisher says they want the next book in your series.  You give a sigh of relief.  You are not a ‘homeless’ author looking for a new publisher, like some of your colleagues right now in this heartless industry.

So you start to plan the next book in your series.  And the black dog sits over your shoulder, panting.  Will this one be as funny as the last?  What if it isn’t any good?  Will this be the last book of your career?

You sit paralyzed.  Fear that you will never write anything as good as your last book becomes a cold mist you can't find your way out of.

You start to wonder why you even thought you wanted to be a writer.

You wonder why you have this need to write, when those around you seem to be satisfied with their lives, and even happy, without ever putting themselves through this torture.

Imagine.  Being happy in life without writing fiction.  Would it be possible?

And then you get an email from a reader who loves your last book and is asking about the next.

And then your royalty statement arrives and it is something more than a meal out for two at Ruth’s Chris.

The black dog recedes for now.

You start writing.  The words become a torrent.  They hold you.  Feed you.  You’re whole again.

For now.

IWSG day! I Am Not a “sexy porn gerl” and other Twitter Mishaps

Welcome, IWSGers!  I got my start writing standup and now write comedies, so the posts here might be somewhat silly. Fair warning.

By Melodie Campbell
 (Bad Girl)

Okay, I admit it.  I’m a literary slut.

My mentor, the late novelist Michael Crawley, labeled me that years ago, because I write in several genres (crime, time travel, sci-fi, fantasy.)  Sometimes all at once in the same book. This girl gets around.

But these days, my publishers are turning me into a social media party girl.  “Frolic on Facebook!” they say.  “Talk on Twitter!” they insist. “Get out there!”

I’m out there, all right.  Apparently, I’m so far out there, I may need mouth to mouth and a good slug of scotch to crawl my way back.

The Inciting Incident:

It started with the Berlin Brothel.  Lord knows why a brothel in Berlin decided to follow me on Twitter.  I don’t live in Berlin.  I’ve never worked in a brothel.  Don’t think I’ve even typed the word ‘brothel’ before now.  I certainly haven’t said it out loud.

Then some guy from Crime Writers of Canada said: “Maybe they’ve read your first book Rowena Through the Wall.  That book has a following in Germany. The girls who work there have to do something in their downtime.”

Let me do a cyberspace blush here.  Okay, my first book is a little hot.  “Hot and hilarious” as one industry reviewer put it.  But it’s not x-rated.  It’s not even R, according to my daughter.  (Husband has yet to read it.  We’ve hidden it well.)

Then friend Alison said: “It’s a brothel!  Maybe your crime comedy, The Goddaughter, is required reading by the owners.”

But back to Berlin.  I didn’t follow them back.

Somehow, that didn’t matter.  The word was out.

‘Amateurvids’ announced they were following me.  Good, I thought.  I like nature films.  Take it from me, this outfit doesn’t film bunnies in the wild.  Well, maybe a certain type of wild bunny.

I didn’t follow them back.

Then ‘Dick Amateur’ showed up, wanting to connect. Author friend Gloria read a few of his posts and said: “You at least deserve a Pro.”

So I didn’t follow him back.

Next, I got “Swingersconnect” following me.  Swingers?  I get sick on a tire hanging from a tree.

I didn’t follow them back.

‘Thepornfiles’ were next in line.  I didn’t peek.

Then two days ago, an outfit specializing in ‘male penis enhancement’ turned up.  Now, I ask you.  Do I look like a male in my profile photo?  Is Melodie a male name?  And not to be pedantic, but isn’t ‘male’ in front of the p-word a bit redundant?  Is there any other kind?

Which brings me to the tweet in my twitter-box today:  “Hey sexy porn gerl!” (yes, that’s girl with an e).  Let me state categorically that I am not now and have never been a “sexy porn gerl” (with an ‘e’ or any other vowel).

You wouldn’t want me to be.  No one would.  For one thing, I can’t see two feet in front of me without glasses.  Things that used to be perky now swing south.  No camera man could make that film without shaking and contorting and rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter.  (Cue the scotch.)

So I’m not following them back.

Do you have a twitter story to tell?  Leave it here in the comments.

Melodie Campbell got her start writing standup, and now writes comedies.  You can find her books at all the usual book places.

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