YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN AUTHOR WHEN…(Ten Terrifying Truths about the writing life from Bad Girl)

YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN AUTHOR WHEN…

By Melodie Campbell

Recently, I read something  that got me thinking.  (Okay, have your little laugh.  I can wait.)

The quote was:

“A writer who isn’t writing is a monster.”

At first, I wasn’t sure if that meant a writer who wasn’t writing right now and every minute was a monster.  Or whether it meant a writer who was prevented from writing was a monster.

For the sake of all concerned (at least in this house,) I’m goin’ for the latter.

Which brings me to this little list.  If you are a writer, tick off the ones that apply to you and leave a comment below.  Or better still, add your own.  If you are not a writer, stand back.

You know you’re an author when:

1.  You’d rather spend time with your characters than your friends.

2.  You’ve been at the computer all day and Nachos seem like a major food group.

3.  Your spouse yells “Are you all right in there,” and you’re pretty sure you’ve heard that voice before.  Somewhere.

4.  Your idea of a vacation means hours and hours of time to write.  And nobody bugging you to “do something.”

5.  You reach for Glenlivit when the internet goes down.

6.  You could be arrested if the Feds look at your search history.

7.  You actually know the difference between less and fewer.  And consider it a hanging offense when people misuse them. 

8.  You have been known to ignore phone calls from your mom, kids, husband, boss, and possibly God.

9.  Your idea of supreme hell is being trapped at a cocktail party for three hours with people who aren’t writers.

10.  You have seriously considered murdering people who say, “I have this great idea for a book, and if you’ll write it, I’ll share the profits with you.”   And the ones who say, “I think I’ll write a book someday when I get more time.”  And the ones who say, “Of course, it’s just a mystery/fantasy/romance genre book you’ve written.  When are you going to write something important?”

Excuse me now.  I have a lot of people to murder, and I’m behind.

Zany Instructor featured by Sheridan College! (the one who started teaching when we all had pet dinosaurs)

Sheridan College is featuring long-time instructors!  Here is the first poster...you may just know her...

 

A Million Tiny Steps

I'm paraphrasing Jane Friedman here, when I say:
"Success takes a million tiny steps."

People always ask me what's the hardest part of being a college fiction writing teacher.  Is it all the tedious marking?  Having to read beginner attempts at writing in genres you don't want to read?  The long hours teaching at night, at the podium?

I don't teach that way (at the podium.)  I'm a desk-sitter.  But it's none of that.

By far, the hardest part of being a writing instructor is telling my students about the industry.  And in particular, that they aren't going to knock it out of the park with their first book - the one they are writing in my class.

It's hard, because they don't want to believe me.  Always, they point to one or two authors who make it to the bestsellers list on their first book.  "So and so did it - why won't I?"

What they don't know is that the book on the best-seller list - that author's "debut novel" - is most likely NOT the first book the author wrote.  Industry stats tell us it will likely be their 4th book written.  (3.6 is the average, for a traditionally published author.)

My own story works as an example.  My first novel published, Rowena Through the Wall, was a bestseller (yay!)  But it wasn't my first novel *written*.  It was my third.  And before that, I had 24 short stories published, which won me six awards.  (Six awards, students. Before I even tried to get a novel published.) 

Each one of those short stories, each of those awards, was a tiny step.

About that first novel: it was horrible.  So horrible that if anyone finds it on an abandoned floppy disk and tries to read it, I will have to kill either them or me.  It was a Canadian historical/western/romance/thriller with a spoiled, whiny heroine who was in danger of being killed. No shit. Even I wanted to kill her.  The second book was also horrible, but less horrible.  It was a romantic comedy with a "plucky heroine" (gag) and several implausible coincidences that made it into an unintentional farce. 

By the time I was writing my third and fourth novels, I got smarter.  Apparently, I could do farces.  Why not deliberately set about to write a humorous book?  And while you're at it, how about getting some professional feedback?  Take a few steps to become a better writer?

I entered the Daphne DuMaurier Kiss of Death contest.  Sent the required partial manuscript.  Two out of four judges gave me near perfect scores, and one of them said:
"If this is finished, send it out immediately. If this isn't finished, stop everything you're doing right now and finish it. I can't imagine this wouldn't get published."

One more tiny step.

That book was The Goddaughter.  It was published by Orca Books, and the series is now up to six books.  (Six steps.) The series has won two awards. (Two more steps.)

I'm currently writing my 18th book.  It comes out Fall 2019.  Last summer, for the first time, I was asked to be a Guest of Honour at a crime fiction festival.  It may, just may, be my definition of success.

If you include my comedy credits, I have over 150 fiction publications now, and ten awards.

160 tiny steps to success. 

Conclusion:  Don't give up if your first work isn't published.  Take those tiny steps to become a better writer.  Take a million.

In Which My Characters Go Completely Out of Control...part 1

by Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl, aka Mom)

Recently, my characters have become more mouthy. 

I like to think of myself as their creator.  Without me, they wouldn’t have a life on the page, or anywhere, for that matter.  This should buy me a certain amount of respect, I figure.  Sort of like you might give a minor deity.

Unfortunately, my characters haven’t bought into that.  Worse, they seem to have cast me into the role of mother.  That’s me: a necessary embarrassment for the perpetuation of their lives.  And like all kids, they squabble.  They fight with each other for attention.  I liken it to sibling jealousy.

To wit:

“You haven’t written about me lately,” says Rowena.

I try to ignore the petulance in her voice.

“Been busy,” I mumble.  “Gina had to get married in Vegas.  And a relative of hers started a vigilante group.”

“I don’t care if she started a rock group.  You’re supposed to be writing MY story.”

I turn away from the keyboard and frown at her.  “Look, toots.  You wouldn’t have any stories at ALL if it weren’t for me.  You’ve had three books of adventures with men.  A normal gal would be exhausted.  So please be patient and wait your turn.  Jennie’s story comes out this Sept. in Worst Date Ever.  Del and The B-Team will be up next, in February.  You can be after that, maybe.”  Maybe.  I wasn’t going to tell her about the 6^th Goddaughter currently in the works.

“It’s not fair.  I came first!  Before all those silly mob comedies,” Row whines.  “Don’t forget!  I was the one who got you bestseller status.”  She points at her ample chest.

“Hey!” Says Gina, fresh from cannoli central.  “And which book won the Derringer and the Arthur Ellis?  Not some trashy old fantasy novel.”

“Who are YOU calling trashy?”  says Rowena, balling her hands into fists.  “Just because my bodice rips in every scene….”

“Like THAT isn’t a plot device,” chides Gina.

“Oh, PLEASE don’t fight,” says Jennie, the plucky romance heroine.  “I just want everyone to have a Happy Ever After.  Can’t you do that for us all, Mom?  Er…Melodie?”

I look at Del.  “What do you think?”

Del shrugs.  “Sounds sucky.  What kind of crap story would that be?  Bugger, is that the time?  I gotta job that needs doing.  Cover for me, will you Ritz?  And this time, let me know if the cops start sniffing around.”

“Cops?”  says Gina.  “Crap!  I’m outta here.” The door slams.

“Cops?” says Row.  “There’s that little matter of Steve’s body in book 2…” She vanishes.

“Cops?” says Jennie, hopefully.  “OH! Is one of them single?”

STILL ON SALE UNTIL JULY 15!  ALL THE IMAJIN BOOKS BY MELODIE CAMPBELL  (SEE POST BELOW)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A WRITER WHEN...

By Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl)

Recently, I read something  that got me thinking.  (Okay, have your little laugh.  I can wait.)

The quote was:

“A writer who isn’t writing is a monster.”

At first, I wasn’t sure if that meant a writer who wasn’t writing right now and every minute was a monster.  Or whether it meant a writer who was prevented from writing was a monster.

For the sake of all concerned (at least in this house,) I’m goin’ for the latter.

Which brings me to this little list.  If you are a writer, tick off the ones that apply to you and leave a comment before.  Or better still, add your own.  If you are not a writer, stand back.

You know you’re an author when:

1.  You’d rather spend time with your characters than your friends.

2.  You’ve been at the computer all day and Nachos seem like a major food group.

3.  Your spouse yells “Are you all right in there,” and you’re pretty sure you’ve heard that voice before.  Somewhere.

4.  Your idea of a vacation means hours and hours of time to write.  And nobody bugging you to “do something.”

5.  You reach for Glenlivit when the internet goes down.

6.  You could be arrested if the Feds look at your search history.

7. You actually know the difference between less and fewer.  And consider it a hanging offense when people misuse them.

8.  You have been known to ignore phone calls from your mom, kids, husband, boss, and possibly God.

9.  Your idea of supreme hell is being trapped at a cocktail party for three hours with people who aren’t writers.

10.  You have seriously considered murdering people who say, “I have this great idea for a book, and if you’ll write it, I’ll share the profits with you.”   And the ones who say, “I think I’ll write a book someday when I get more time.”  And the ones who say, “Of course, it’s just a mystery/fantasy/romance genre book you’ve written.  When are you going to write something important?”

Excuse me now.  I have a lot of people to murder, and I’m behind.

IWSG day! I Am Not a “sexy porn gerl” and other Twitter Mishaps

Welcome, IWSGers!  I got my start writing standup and now write comedies, so the posts here might be somewhat silly. Fair warning.

By Melodie Campbell
 (Bad Girl)

Okay, I admit it.  I’m a literary slut.

My mentor, the late novelist Michael Crawley, labeled me that years ago, because I write in several genres (crime, time travel, sci-fi, fantasy.)  Sometimes all at once in the same book. This girl gets around.

But these days, my publishers are turning me into a social media party girl.  “Frolic on Facebook!” they say.  “Talk on Twitter!” they insist. “Get out there!”

I’m out there, all right.  Apparently, I’m so far out there, I may need mouth to mouth and a good slug of scotch to crawl my way back.

The Inciting Incident:

It started with the Berlin Brothel.  Lord knows why a brothel in Berlin decided to follow me on Twitter.  I don’t live in Berlin.  I’ve never worked in a brothel.  Don’t think I’ve even typed the word ‘brothel’ before now.  I certainly haven’t said it out loud.

Then some guy from Crime Writers of Canada said: “Maybe they’ve read your first book Rowena Through the Wall.  That book has a following in Germany. The girls who work there have to do something in their downtime.”

Let me do a cyberspace blush here.  Okay, my first book is a little hot.  “Hot and hilarious” as one industry reviewer put it.  But it’s not x-rated.  It’s not even R, according to my daughter.  (Husband has yet to read it.  We’ve hidden it well.)

Then friend Alison said: “It’s a brothel!  Maybe your crime comedy, The Goddaughter, is required reading by the owners.”

But back to Berlin.  I didn’t follow them back.

Somehow, that didn’t matter.  The word was out.

‘Amateurvids’ announced they were following me.  Good, I thought.  I like nature films.  Take it from me, this outfit doesn’t film bunnies in the wild.  Well, maybe a certain type of wild bunny.

I didn’t follow them back.

Then ‘Dick Amateur’ showed up, wanting to connect. Author friend Gloria read a few of his posts and said: “You at least deserve a Pro.”

So I didn’t follow him back.

Next, I got “Swingersconnect” following me.  Swingers?  I get sick on a tire hanging from a tree.

I didn’t follow them back.

‘Thepornfiles’ were next in line.  I didn’t peek.

Then two days ago, an outfit specializing in ‘male penis enhancement’ turned up.  Now, I ask you.  Do I look like a male in my profile photo?  Is Melodie a male name?  And not to be pedantic, but isn’t ‘male’ in front of the p-word a bit redundant?  Is there any other kind?

Which brings me to the tweet in my twitter-box today:  “Hey sexy porn gerl!” (yes, that’s girl with an e).  Let me state categorically that I am not now and have never been a “sexy porn gerl” (with an ‘e’ or any other vowel).

You wouldn’t want me to be.  No one would.  For one thing, I can’t see two feet in front of me without glasses.  Things that used to be perky now swing south.  No camera man could make that film without shaking and contorting and rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter.  (Cue the scotch.)

So I’m not following them back.

Do you have a twitter story to tell?  Leave it here in the comments.

Melodie Campbell got her start writing standup, and now writes comedies.  You can find her books at all the usual book places.

Here's the link to go back to other great IWSG posts:
 http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/p/iwsg-sign-up.html