Sunday, 18 November 2018

YOU KNOW YOU’RE AN AUTHOR WHEN…(Ten Terrifying Truths about the writing life from Bad Girl)

By Melodie Campbell

Recently, I read something  that got me thinking.  (Okay, have your little laugh.  I can wait.)

The quote was:
“A writer who isn’t writing is a monster.”

At first, I wasn’t sure if that meant a writer who wasn’t writing right now and every minute was a monster.  Or whether it meant a writer who was prevented from writing was a monster.

For the sake of all concerned (at least in this house,) I’m goin’ for the latter.

Which brings me to this little list.  If you are a writer, tick off the ones that apply to you and leave a comment below.  Or better still, add your own.  If you are not a writer, stand back.

You know you’re an author when:

1.  You’d rather spend time with your characters than your friends.

2.  You’ve been at the computer all day and Nachos seem like a major food group.

3.  Your spouse yells “Are you all right in there,” and you’re pretty sure you’ve heard that voice before.  Somewhere.

4.  Your idea of a vacation means hours and hours of time to write.  And nobody bugging you to “do something.”

5.  You reach for Glenlivit when the internet goes down.

6.  You could be arrested if the Feds look at your search history.

7.  You actually know the difference between less and fewer.  And consider it a hanging offense when people misuse them. 

8.  You have been known to ignore phone calls from your mom, kids, husband, boss, and possibly God.

9.  Your idea of supreme hell is being trapped at a cocktail party for three hours with people who aren’t writers.

10.  You have seriously considered murdering people who say, “I have this great idea for a book, and if you’ll write it, I’ll share the profits with you.”   And the ones who say, “I think I’ll write a book someday when I get more time.”  And the ones who say, “Of course, it’s just a mystery/fantasy/romance genre book you’ve written.  When are you going to write something important?”

Excuse me now.  I have a lot of people to murder, and I’m behind.


  1. Busy covering your tracks, Ginger. Slow down with the murders. I can't keep up.

  2. I endured a #10 last winter when someone me at a Christmas party regaled me with his outline for a 'bestseller' that sounded suspiciously like The Da Vinci Code -- only worse.

  3. Ilonka, I'm laughing! Yup, I get it once a month. Someone has a 'great idea' they want to get someone else to write. Like ideas are the hard part. It's the 1000 hours of writing that is hard.

    1. My neighbour wanted me to write her true crime story except a) the story wasn't true crime; b) I don't write true crime; and c)I have books I want to write that I hardly get time for.

    2. OH yes. I've had a number of dubious people ask me to write their 'felonious past'. I think the Goddaughter books may be the catalyst. Nuf said!

  4. OMG, YES! to every one of these. I'm always yelling "fewer" at the TV and radio when they misuse "less"--which is pretty much 100% of the time. And oh, those cocktail party doofusi. "I have this idea for a book. You write down the words and we can split the profits 50-50." I wrote a mystery with that as the motive for murder. :-)

    1. You and my husband must be yelling over each other, Anne! His mother was a grammar teacher. I am, however, about to steal 'doofusi', which is bloody brilliant, my American friend. (Book title alert: My
      American Friend)

  5. Perfect list, Melodie! I must say, the last gets me every time. Why is it so hard to listen to people who JUST DON'T GET IT?


  6. Dee, I think those pseudo-friends want to brag to others about how they are pals with the next Margaret Atwood (but not the next Nora Roberts.) I know, when I shortlisted for a prize along with Margaret, all sorts of people started taking me seriously (people I don't care about, to be honest.) That's all they talk about. Not my 14 books. Not the bestseller status.

  7. To add to Anne's comment, what about yelling "SHOW DON'T TELL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD" at the telly? Or "AN ENTIRE TOWN JUST FELL INTO THAT PLOTHOLE!!"

    Or just yelling at the telly in general. I never seem to run out of reasons.

    1. Oh, if you want to talk about yelling at the TV, I have the franchise on "FEWER, NOT LESS! YOU MORON"
      However, I'm willing to share the "Join Bill and I" tantrum. It's my major form of exercise.

  8. Love this!
    #1, My characters ARE my friends.
    #4, I brought my latest piece to my bro's for Thanksgiving holiday
    #7, Proudest "fewer" moment. When taking a Catherine Ryan Hyde class, I responded with the word fewer. And she noticed. Ahhhh.

    1. Dorothy, I remember being in a business meeting, and someone said to me, across the table, "Nice use of the subjunctive." Nobody else knew what he was talking about. Instant friendship.

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