Tuesday, 11 July 2017

In Which My Characters Go Completely Out of Control...part 1

by Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl, aka Mom)

Recently, my characters have become more mouthy. 

I like to think of myself as their creator.  Without me, they wouldn’t have a life on the page, or anywhere, for that matter.  This should buy me a certain amount of respect, I figure.  Sort of like you might give a minor deity.

Unfortunately, my characters haven’t bought into that.  Worse, they seem to have cast me into the role of mother.  That’s me: a necessary embarrassment for the perpetuation of their lives.  And like all kids, they squabble.  They fight with each other for attention.  I liken it to sibling jealousy.

To wit:

“You haven’t written about me lately,” says Rowena.

I try to ignore the petulance in her voice.

“Been busy,” I mumble.  “Gina had to get married in Vegas.  And a relative of hers started a vigilante group.”

“I don’t care if she started a rock group.  You’re supposed to be writing MY story.”

I turn away from the keyboard and frown at her.  “Look, toots.  You wouldn’t have any stories at ALL if it weren’t for me.  You’ve had three books of adventures with men.  A normal gal would be exhausted.  So please be patient and wait your turn.  Jennie’s story comes out this Sept. in Worst Date Ever.  Del and The B-Team will be up next, in February.  You can be after that, maybe.”  Maybe.  I wasn’t going to tell her about the 6th Goddaughter currently in the works.

“It’s not fair.  I came first!  Before all those silly mob comedies,” Row whines.  “Don’t forget!  I was the one who got you bestseller status.”  She points at her ample chest.

“Hey!” Says Gina, fresh from cannoli central.  “And which book won the Derringer and the Arthur Ellis?  Not some trashy old fantasy novel.”

“Who are YOU calling trashy?”  says Rowena, balling her hands into fists.  “Just because my bodice rips in every scene….”

“Like THAT isn’t a plot device,” chides Gina.

“Oh, PLEASE don’t fight,” says Jennie, the plucky romance heroine.  “I just want everyone to have a Happy Ever After.  Can’t you do that for us all, Mom?  Er…Melodie?”

I look at Del.  “What do you think?”

Del shrugs.  “Sounds sucky.  What kind of crap story would that be?  Bugger, is that the time?  I gotta job that needs doing.  Cover for me, will you Ritz?  And this time, let me know if the cops start sniffing around.”

“Cops?”  says Gina.  “Crap!  I’m outta here.” The door slams.

“Cops?” says Row.  “There’s that little matter of Steve’s body in book 2…” She vanishes.

“Cops?” says Jennie, hopefully.  “OH! Is one of them single?”



  1. They do clammer don't they? Love this,

  2. Ali, I fear they will kill each other in a bid to be the next book written.

  3. Love it!!! I guess that's why some "parents" opt for one kid only!!

    1. Laff! Good one, Joan. Each series heroine is a child seeking constant attention. I've got a good five already.