Let’s call her Tiffany.
Nah, too twee. How about
Jen. Meet our
Sounds reasonable, but I couldn’t be her. I’m all for ‘suspension of disbelief’ in
fantasy, but my world requires more human elements. To wit:
THINGS THAT BUG ME ABOUT MODERN FICTIONAL HEROINES
1. They look great all the time.
By this I mean: she gets up in the morning,
perfect quaffed. She dons clothes for
her work day. Maybe goes for a jog. And spends absolutely no time in front of the
mirror swabbing on makeup or doing her hair.
Did you ever notice fiction novel heroines look great in the morning without
doing anything? They may have a
shit-load of angst about their personal lives, but apparently, they have Barbie
doll hair.
As of immediately, name of heroine is
changed to Barbie.
2. They never eat.
Oh, they got out to dinner a lot. You may even hear them order food. But when it comes, do they ever eat it? No! Barbie is far too busy arguing with her
dinner companion, and then getting upset.
So many books, so many meals where our
intrepid plucky heroine says, “oh my, I’m so upset, I couldn’t eat a thing.”
What is it with these feeble women who can’t
eat? Who the hell are they? What do they exist on?
When I’m upset, I eat, dammit. Gotta fuel up for the famine that’s going to
come sometime in the next 400 years.
If I hear another TSTL heroine say she’s
too upset to eat, I’m going to shove the virtual dinner in her vapid virtual
face and watch her choke to death.
Oh. But then someone would have to
rescue her.
EAT THE DAMN MEAL.
3. They
never go to the bathroom.
Twenty-four hours a day, we’re with this
dame. Does she ever go to the loo? I mean, for other than a quick swipe of
lipstick and a gabfest with friends?
Do none of these women have periods?
Do they not have to offload some by-products? EVER?
Oh right.
Barbie is always too upset to eat a thing. Therefore, nothing to offload. What was I
thinking?
Cranky author disclosure: Just so you know, Gina Gallo of The
Goddaughter series loves her food. You’ll
see her eat it. She sneaks off to the
bathroom (offstage, so don’t freak.) She
looks like shit in the morning. Just like me.
Even Rowena of my fantasy books goes to the outhouse and enjoys her
meals. (Not at the same time.)
Right! I also want to point out that if they happen to have a dog or more likely a cat, their animals ought to be given to a rescue since they will be ignored once the action gets hot and heavy and our heroine takes off for plot point two!
ReplyDeleteSo true, Caro. Especially in cozy mysteries, I find this. They have a cute dog, and then they leave it for 12 hours at a time, only running home to let them out for pee, and then going back to the plot, leaving said dog in a cage for another 12 hours. In my books, particularly The Crime Club coming out in 2019, the dogs are there for the long haul.
ReplyDeleteThat's one of the things I like about Stephanie Plum. She has a hamster. Feed it once a day and clean its cage once a week and it will happily ignore you the rest of the time. That's the kind of pet a modern heroine needs. But wait, Steph does worry about her pet. And she eats, goes to the bathroom and looks a mess in the morning.
ReplyDeleteNo wonder you're considered the Canadian Janet Evanovich, Melodie. You are both on the same page here.
Ali, thank you for that :) And right on, re the hamster. Now, she's my kind of dame.
ReplyDelete