LIFE IN THE FAST LANE!

By Melodie Campbell

Regardless of the fact that guys tend to regard the automobile as an extension of male ego, and gals regard the car as a sort of giant handbag with wheels… I think we can all get together to agree on the following.

PEOPLE WE WANT OFF THE ROAD:

    

1.     1.  People who regard the Maximum as the Maximum:

Let’s get this perfectly straight:  EVERYBODY knows the posted speed limit is not the REAL maximum.  We may not know what the real maximum is, but we sure know it’s not 100 km per hour, because if it was, then we’d all – the whole country – be in jail by now.  With complete meal and maid service provided by the crown.  Which is not a bad idea. (Would they put my kids in a different cell?)

So we’ve determined that the Maximum speed limit is not the real max, but merely a number picked at random by some harried civil servant at 4 pm on the eve of a long weekend.

Civil Secretary: “So what shall it be, Harold?”

Civil Servant (not to be confused with ‘servant’ as in ‘to serve’):  “Gawd, I’m late for the cottage.

My wife will kill me.  Let’s make it…” (looking at the bills in his wallet) “oh…a hundred.”

So the posted speed limit has been 100 km per hour for simply ages, and everyone has forgotten why.  Including Harold, who is now driving a Bentley in the Cayman Islands.

Which brings me to the point: what are we going to do with all these drivers who think they should only drive the posted maximum?  You know…the ones who amble onto the highway and then proceed to travel at exactly 100 km per hour, like their cruise control got stuck there and couldn’t get out?  These people are a menace to all us conscientious commuters who actually intend to get to work the same business day we started out.

No punishment is too great, I say.  Move ‘em all to Quebec.

      2.   People who regard the Maximum as the Minimum:

Okay, guys (and you know who you are.)  Will you PLEASE agree on which speed we should all be traveling at?  Post a speed over each lane.  We don’t care.  As long as you all AGREE.

It’s a fact: no two men can decide on how fast the traffic should go.  If one guy decides the left lane should go 130 km per hour, then the guy in the red mustang behind him is determined to drive 131.   

And the race is on to see which guy can jockey his car through several lanes of law-abiding soon-to-be-Quebecers, endangering all live bodies not to mention their poor unsuspecting cars.  Meanwhile, the male driver in front is only going 129, so everyone comes to a screeching halt, which gives all guys in the vicinity a chance to play with their horns and practice finger exercises.

I say, MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!  Guys of the world, get together and decide what speed the fast lane should travel at.  Then – just for you – us ladies will get together and construct a series of fast lanes all the way to the moon…one way, of course.

Melodie Campbell writes funny novels for which she has won awards. You can find them at Chapters, Barnes&Noble, Amazon, Walmart and even Zehrs.

PAY NOW-DIE LATER! (reprinted with permission from the places that pay me)

by BAD GIRL (Melodie Campbell)

I’ve been getting an awful lot of sales calls from funeral parlors lately, and frankly, it’s starting to

worry me.  Granted I’ve been missing a little sleep, but do I really look like I’m ready for the harp and wings?  (Okay, fire and pokers.)

What’s happening out there in the Underworld these days?  Who came up with this PAY NOW-DIE LATER thing?

I’m quite familiar with payment plans.  In fact, you could call me hell on wheels with a credit card.  I have perfected the fast draw.  And years of experience have taught me that you can buy a perfectly good dress now, and not have to pay for it until it is out of style.

But I have to question this whole prepaid funeral thing.  Just why the heck should I pay in advance for something I don’t even want?

All I know is, someone has done a killer <sic> marketing job.  And it’s only the beginning.  Next thing you know, they’ll be doing your colours beforehand.  Or – wait for it – for those who want to look their best on the way out – liposuction! “Let yourself go a bit over the years?  Pre-purchase our after-market body-shaping plan, and let us take a little off the sides…or maybe add a little here and here…”

The fashion industry won’t be far behind.  I can see a side-business dealing in up to the minute stylish clothes that make you look good lying down.

In fact, they could have a phone-in service for people who want to switch their final fashion choice with the season.  Perhaps little tear-off strips attached to your license where you can pencil in your latest choice:  “Please bury me in the royal blue strapless, first drawer on the left…”

And it doesn’t end there.  One telephone salesperson wanted to know if I preferred a forest or lake view, sunny or shady final resting spot.  I can see it now:

“The Sun Lover’s Plan – Finally, all the sun you want with no fear of UV”

For those men who want their wives to visit often, they’ll come up with special burial sites next door to major shopping malls.  And certain women I know may elect to be ‘located’ around the seventeenth tee.

There’s a lot of potential still left in this industry, and I’ve come up my own sales gimmick.  You only pay a small deposit for your ‘deposit,’ and you don’t claim it until you need it.  It’s called the “Layaway” plan.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books.  You should buy them at Chapters, Amazon, Walmart or Zehrs.

Have a Confusing Christmas! (as seen on Sleuthsayers and The Sage)

By Melodie Campbell

The following story is true.  And it may explain the slightly manic sense of humour I have been displaying on these pages over the past six months.

Most of my life, I have been confused about Christmas.

This is because I am the quintessential Canadian mutt.  Four parts Italian, one part Irish, one part English, one part Chippewa, and the final bit was a surprise.  It overlaps with the English part (wait for it.)

The Italian part is easy to explain.  Every year, my Sicilian grandmother put the plastic lighted crucifixes (made in Japan) in glaring rainbow colours, on the Christmas tree.  I was a bit confused by that, not only because it was gawd-awful tacky and fought with my budding interior designer.  But the part in the 10 Commandments about ‘no graven images’ seemed to be at risk here.

Nevertheless, we all looked forward to the blazing orange, green and red crucifixes, unaware that it was a sort of macabre thing to do to a Christmas tree.  Did I mention Halloween is my favorite holiday?

The Chippewa part was a tad more elusive.  I first got a hint that there might have been First Nations blood in our family when someone asked why we put ground venison in our traditional Christmas Eve spaghetti sauce.  True, we had a freezer full of deer, moose, salmon, and not much else.  Later, it occurred to me that I actually hadn’t tasted beef until I was ten, when for my birthday, Dad took us to the A&W for a real treat.  “This tastes weird,” I said, wrinkling my nose.  “It’s made from cow,” Dad said.

Of course, if I had been more on the ball, there were other clues.  But at the age of six, you don’t necessarily see things as out of the norm.  That summer in Toronto, I loved day camp.  They split us kids into groups named for First Nations tribes.  By happy coincidence, I got placed in the Chippewa tribe.  When I got home and announced this, the reaction was: “Thank God it wasn’t Mohawk.” 

The camp leaders were really impressed with my almost-authentic costume.  (Everyone else was wearing painted pillow cases.)

But the real confusion about Christmas and my provenance came many years later.

I spent most of my life not knowing we were part Jewish.  I was about forty, when the designer shoe (a bargain on sale at David’s) finally dropped.  Dad and I were eating pastrami on rye at Shopsy’s Deli one day (which we did on a regular basis, once a month – a reasonably intelligent person might have considered this the first clue) when Dad wiped a drip of mustard off his face and said:

Dad: “I haven’t heard from my cousin Moishe Goldman in a long while.”

Me:  “We have a cousin named MOISHE GOLDMAN??”

Of course, if I had been thinking, all this made sense.  We had lived in a Jewish neighbourhood.  Our last name is Hebrew for antelope.  And I was only the only kid in school who got Halvah in their Christmas stocking every year.  (Damn straight.  I really did.  I still do.)

So I’m hoping this may explain why we have a five foot lighted Christmas peacock on our front porch this year, and a lighted Christmas palm tree in our back yard.  “A Peacock in a Palm Tree” may be confusing to you folk who know the song and are expecting a partridge with pears, but to those of us who have been confused about Christmas all our lives, it is mere icing on the proverbial Kugal.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books. You can buy them at Chapters/Indigo, Barnes&Noble, Amazon, etc.  Sometimes even at the discount table at Zehrs and Walmart.)

The Peacock.  You thought I was kidding.

Six Sexy and Sweet Romance Novels for 99c! All Bestsellers

SWEET & SENSUAL is #897 on Amazon.com's Top 100 Paid!!! **** $0.99
A terrific deal for 6 compelling romance novels ranging from HOT (mine) to very romantic.

"OUTLANDER meets SEX AND THE CITY" Lands End Trilogy ROCKS!

HOT Damn! (and I do mean Hot!)

The Rowena Books are now a Trilogy bundle, terrifically priced at 5.99!
Love the quickie descriptions of each book (good work, Imajin team!)
And as always, Ryan Thomas Doan knocked it out of the park with this cover.

http://www.amazon.com/Lands-End-Trilogy-Melod…/…/ref=sr_1_1…

"Laugh-a-minute with some truly side splitting humour" - Brit reviewer Helen Beaufort on THE GODDAUGHTER!

Occasionally, one gets a review that just Rocks!

Helen Beaufort lives in London, England, and I have no idea how she found me.  But she did, and I am delighted.

My Crafting a Novel students at Sheridan College will be studying this as an example of 'how to do it.'  Thorough, and thoroughly entertaining.  There are clips in here so catchy, they are going in my promotion file.

Thank you, Helen. YOU Rock!

A Review of The Goddaughter: Gina Gallo #1

by Helen Beaufort

Part one of The Goddaughter series (Gina Gallo: #1) seems to have readers talking for all of the right reasons. Combining clever comedy, thrilling suspense and fast paced narrative in this tale of the misadventures of the title character, Melodie Campbell really has crafted a novel which can be enjoyed in it's own right as well as setting up the coming novels in the series beautifully. Marketed as a 'rapid read' at a fleeting 136 pages, this laugh-a-minute book is a great way to spend an afternoon and could make a perfect Christmas gift for the bookworm in your life this year. Here are my thoughts.

The story

You can choose your friends but not your family, right? Gina Gallo knows this only too well. Gina has tried to distance herself from her mob family in Hamilton and concentrate on her career as a gemmologist but when you are the 'Goddaughter' trouble seems to track you down and saying no to your Godfather Uncle is no easy task. Gina finds this out for herself when her cousin is whacked and she finds herself drafted in to transport some priceless gems in her killer heels (?!) with her unsuspecting love interest Pete in tow – some way to spend a first date! But when the gems are stolen the unwitting pair find themselves embroiled in an epic road trip across the country to steal the stolen stones back before Uncle Vince finds out and dishes out some mob style retribution. Expect comedy and calamity from this modern day Bonnie and Clyde as they deal with debauched politicians, armed robbery, angry mobsters, dead bodies and shoe fetishists...and that's just for starters.

The characters

In short stories and novellas it can be hard to form attachments to the characters and sometimes it can feel like the story is just too short for character any real development to build successfully. In The Goddaughter this wasn't the case. There is enough detail for the reader to learn about the characters without becoming to bogged down by their respective 'baggage' but still come to care about them and become enthralled in their journey. It's hard not to like Gina who is clearly moral and hardworking yet still loyal to her family and willing to break the rules if necessary. Pete is a genuinely good guy who knows about Gina's background and still wants to help her and has great sex appeal to boot. Best of all, both characters are witty and fun. Some of my favorite scenes include those where Gina's family are quizzing (aka threatening) poor Pete in the humorous, if slightly clichéd, way that you'd expect a mob family to react to a daughter's new date.

The writing

Melodie Campbell's writing style really is outstanding. With her unique brand of wit and humor she has crafted an incredibly well written novel that is fast paced, packed full of action with a touch of romance and plenty of suspense. Add a hefty dollop of hilarity into the mix and you're onto a winner – to cram all of this into a mere 136 pages in a massive achievement for this Canadian writer. Her writing style is short, snappy and straight to the point. The plot is very tight and the action never lets up. But best of all her humor encompasses everything from the subtle to the absurd and then back to knowing, familiar humor that will have readers resonating and nodding their heads in recognition. She even manages to cleverly draw in characters from her other books while elusively trying to persuage the reader to buy more of her work. From some authors this could appear arrogant but Campbell has a knack of writing in a humble, almost self deprecating tone which is as endearing as it is entertaining.

In conclusion

I really enjoyed this novella. It doesn't take itself too seriously but is entertaining from start to finish. It literally was laugh-a-minute with some truly side splitting humor that I wasn't expecting from a jewel heist novel. I can imagine that many readers will plough through this novella in one sitting because the action is constant and the narrative fast paced so there never seems like a good moment to put it down and as a rapid read, why would you need to? A really great read and I'm excited to see what's to come in part 2 of the series.  

The Goddaughter is available in Chapters, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Walmart, Zehrs, and online retailers.
On Amazon
(Sale price of 2.59!)

Put a Comedy in your Stocking! Anne R. Allen's NO PLACE LIKE HOME

Recommended Reading:

Like my Goddaughter series?  Check out author Anne R. Allen!

One of the pleasures I’ve had this year is discovering a few writers who also specialize in humorous crime.  In No Place Like Home, Anne R. Allen hits my quirky funnybone to a T, with lines like:

Doria figured she’d better get her snooping done fast.

Fast being a relative term when you’re doped up and recovering from a tummy tuck gone bad…

Doria is the most original and hilarious character I’ve read all year.  Okay, in a few years.  Damn, I wish I’d invented her.  And as all writers know, that is damn fine praise from a fellow author.

Here’s the book blurb, to give you a better pix:

The uber-rich editor of Home decorating magazine loses everything, including her Ponzi-schemer husband, when their own luxury home mysteriously goes up in flames. But that's just the beginning of Doria's problems.
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Homeless, destitute, presumed dead and branded a criminal the once proud Doria has a crash course in how the other half live.
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Meanwhile reluctant sleuth Camilla Randall is facing homeless and destitution too, as Doria's husband's schemes unravel and take down innocent bystanders along the way.
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When the mysterious Mr X. turns up at Camilla's bookstore expressing concern for the local homeless Camilla is smitten. By now one might think once smitten, twice shy, but for Camilla the search for love is a constant triumph of hope over experience.
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As ever Anne. R. Allen weaves a unique blend of crazy characters [Mistress Nightshade, anybody?], crazy situations [would you believe a Colombian drugs cartel?] and laugh-out-loud one-liners that all somehow comes together and makes perfect sense at the end.
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Oh, and did we mention the Wizard of Oz?
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No Place Like Home is the fourth of the Camilla Randall Mysteries, but can be read as a stand-alone novel.

http://www.amazon.com/No-Place-Like-Home-Mysteries-ebook/dp/B00AHRWA0Y/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1418429770&sr=1-6

Want to start at the beginning?  Here is the boxed set of the first three:

http://www.amazon.com/Camilla-Randall-Mysteries-Box-Set-ebook/dp/B00LEZTE7A/ref=asap_B005R2SBI4?ie=UTF8

Definitely check out Anne Allen’s popular blog on writing, at
http://annerallen.blogspot.ca/