ROWENA AND THE VIKING WARLORD coming JULY 2! Here's a peek at the cover...

Here's a partial peek at the cover for ROWENA AND THE VIKING WARLORD!  (More to come....)

THE BLOODY WORDS ADDRESS BY THE MATTRESS OF CEREMONIES, PART 2

By the Mattress, Melodie Campbell (June 7, 2014, at the Toronto Hyatt Regency)

But what I really want to talk about tonight is the HIGHS and lowwwwws of being an author.

I’ve had a few highs this year.  I won some serious money in a short story contest.  I won a Derringer and an Arthur Ellis for The Goddaughter’s Revenge.

So I’ve had a few highs.  But I’ve also had some lows.  In fact, I am an expert at the lows. Most of mine have to do with the dreaded….

BOOK SIGNING.

Many people talk about the worst that can happen.  Meaning, you have a book signing and no one shows up.

But I’ve had worse.

Worse is when five people show up.  And they’re all pushing walkers.  And half way through your reading – when you’re right in the middle of a really exciting scene – someone blurts out, “When does the movie start?”

Sometimes even big numbers don’t help the ego.  I was doing an event in my hometown in front of 200 people this fall.  It was great – I was doing my comedy shtick - lots of applause.  The MC showed everyone my books, talked them up, asked for questions.

Hands shot up.  I was pumped.   I picked the first eager hand from the crowd, delighted to see such interest in my books.   And she said, “Do you actually know Linwood Barclay?”

It’s a miracle writers have any ego left at all.

I was featured at another event this year, with probably 50 people in the audience.  Again, great applause after my reading.  Lots of hands in the air.  I picked one young lady who was waving frantically.

She said (voice heavy with disappointment): “You don’t look anything like your heroine.”

I said: “Sweetheart, not only that, I don’t look anything like my author photo.”

One final low - the lowest of my lows.

One of the things authors love more than anything else is getting together with other authors to whine about the industry.   

I was at the Drake hotel with a bunch of author friends this year.  Let’s see…there were Robbie Rotenberg, Howard Shrier, Dorothy MacIntosh, Rob Brunet, Pam Blance, Tanis, Dee...a few others.  Anyways, we were bending the elbow liberally, spending God knows how much per drink, moaning about how our publishers don’t do enough to promote our books.  It was great fun.  A stellar whine-fest.  I think Robbie ordered another round.  And then I ordered another round.  This did something to my insides.  It quickly became apparent that I was going to have to get rid of some of what I had been imbibing.

I don’t know if you’ve been to the Drake, but the washrooms are upstairs.  We were on the main floor at the back.

Well, I made it to the stairs.

Nice thing about the Drake is the stairs have bannisters.  And you know, I have discovered that bannisters are a really good thing.  You can use them to pppull yourself up step by step, for one thing.  For another, they keep you going in the right direction.

So I made it to the landing at the top.  Then I turned to look for the right room.

Things were a little fuzzy in my brain, you have to understand.  In front of me was a door that had a big W on it.  W…that seemed familiar.  W for washroom?  But I wasn’t quite sure that was right, so I looked around.

To the left was a door with a big M on it.  OH!  M for Melodie!  And I walked right in.

Rob Brunet, I think you had already left by then, but the man at the urinal asked for my phone number.

Melodie Campbell rights funny books, including the Derringer and Arthur Award winning THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE, available at Chapters and online at all the usual retailers.

The Bloody Words Address by the Mattress of Ceremonies (yes, you read that right)

Miss the Bloody Words Banquet last weekend?  Here is a sample of the opening address…

(with apologies in advance to serious people everywhere):

From the start, Cheryl and I had discussions about what to call me.

Master of Ceremonies didn’t seem quite right, as we both agreed I’m a master at nothing.

Mistress of Ceremonies…if we went with that, seeing it was me, people would be expecting whips and chains.  And then I might be mistaken for Gloria Ferris tonight.

I suggested Mistake of Ceremonies.  That may very well turn out to be true.

And then, in a particularly zany moment, when we were in that frantic period leading up to the con, we came up with Mattress of Ceremonies, because I was so (wait for it…)   supportive.

Last summer, when Cheryl TOLD me I was doing this… <no laughter>.  Cheryl, they either know you really well, or not at all.

Anyways, the diet started last August, and I’m pleased to report that I’ve lost 2 pounds.  I should reach my goal weight in 2038.

So…there wasn’t much I could do in the thin department.  But maybe I could do something about looking younger.  So I did something I’ve never done before.  I bought a face cream that was guaranteed to make me look decades younger.  To my surprise, it worked.  I broke out all over and looked about 14.

People will notice I’m not wearing the dress that I wore for the Crime Scene photos.  Unfortunately, that dress had a serious cleavage issue.   Cheryl and I decided that if I wore that dress, Kevin Thornton would start a pool on whether there would be a wardrobe malfunction tonight.

<Kevin yelled “20 to 1 For, Mel” from the back of the room.  Unscripted.>

But that suggested to me that I really ought to get some new underwear.  It’s been a while, and I could use a new bra and gauchies.  Something glam.  But you wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find something in my size.  They really don’t make a lot of bras in 38 Long.

To be continued….

THE GODDAUGHTER'S REVENGE WINS THE ARTHUR!

Awarded on June 5, ARTS AND LETTERS CLUB, Toronto!

THE BLOODY WORDS CONFERENCE SCHEDULE! Where to find me...

Don't miss BLOODY WORDS MYSTERY CONFERENCE IN TORONTO, JUNE 6-8!

Toronto Hyatt

Here's where to find me:

CWC AGM:  Friday, 2:30-3:30, Salon A

CWC MEMBER RECEPTION:  Friday, 3:30-4:30

BLOODY WORDS RECEPTION:  Friday, 5:30-6:30

BOOKS WITH LEGS,  Friday, 10 pm

PANEL:  THAT'S NOT SICK, THAT'S FUNNY!,  Saturday 1:30-2:30

MC:  BLOODY WORDS BANQUET,  Saturday 7 PM

For your convenience, the entire schedule is posted below.  See you there!

 Friday, June 6

2 p.m. – 9 p.m. Registration. The registration/information desk is on the east side of the escalators.
6:30 p.m. – 10 p.m. Agent/editor appointments (you’ll be given your appointment time a week or two before the conference)

Time	Track 1	Track 2	Mystery Café
5:30-6:30 PM	Reception — Welcome to Bloody Words!
7:00-7:50 PM	Blood, blood, glorious blood… (forensic hematology)	Romantic suspense & cozies: No longer what you expect (new approaches to these subgenres)	The Sage, the saint, and the sleuth (religion, philosophy, and the “modern” sleuth)
8:00-8:50 PM	CSI: Toronto (the reality of crime scene investigations)	Are short stories the new black? (short story panel)	Law & order with sword & gun (1320s England or 1919 Toronto: a cop is a cop…or is he?)
9:00-9:50 PM	The many worlds of crime (a look at crime from neighbourhood-level to the Supreme Court of Canada)	Indie publishing: We’re here to stay (non-traditional publishing)	EVEning the Odds (women sleuths, past & present)
10:00-11:00 PM	Books with Legs (books published in the last 6 months struttin’ their stuff on the catwalk in our literary fashion show)

Saturday, June 7

8:30 a.m. – 6 p.m. Registration. The registration/information desk is on the east side of the escalators.

Time	Track 1	Track 2	More Track 2
9:00-9:50 AM	Ask them anything: Agents & editors (Q&A with agents & acquiring editors)	Split personality (writing more than one series, or a series & stand-alones, or different subgenres…)	It’s Number One! (first novel panel)
10:00-10:50 AM	From rocks to Glocks (weapons thru the ages)	You are what you write…or are you? (character = author…true or false)	An hour with Michael Jecks (interview with our international GoH)
11:00-11:50 AM	Shoot-out at the digital corral (computer crime & digital forensics)	Fifty shades of cop (various takes on police procedurals)	Reinventing history (historical mysteries)
12:00-1:30 PM	Lunch – see you back at 1:30 for the afternoon sessions
1:30-2:20 PM	Pssst, wanna be a professional author? (tips on doing readings, fielding interviews, body language, & more)	That’s not sick; that’s funny (humour panel)	Setting: More than trees & houses (getting characters’ attitudes & beliefs correct as part of the setting)
2:30-3:20 PM	Death & taxes & contracts…oh my! (what authors should know about taxes & contracts)	Old sins cast long shadows (how past wrongs impact present-day characters)	An hour with Vicki Delany (interview with our Canuck GoH)
3:30-4:20 PM	Bloody Idol (BW attendees’ story openings judged by an agent, 2 editors, & a reviewer)	Is the female of the species more deadly than the male? (men & women authors discuss how women are portrayed in crime fiction)	The science of murder (premature murder meets science, medicine, & hi-tech)
4:30-5:20 PM	The cinematic Sherlock Holmes, 1922–2014 (Holmes on the silver & small screen)	The evil that men do (writing about societal evils like genocide, racism, child abuse, slavery, etc.)	Heroes with feet of clay; villains with hearts of gold (multi-dimensional characters)
5:30-7:00 PM	Meet & greet and mass autograph session
7:00-10:00 PM	Banquet & awards ceremony

Sunday, June 8

Time	Presentation	Workshop	Mystery Café
10:00 AM-1:00 PM	Costumes & clothing (slide show & talk on historical clothing & theatrical & film/TV costumes)	Reality check (from cussin’ to names to wounds & more – getting your facts, etc. right)	Who sees what & how? (point of view & structure in your book)

Dealers room

The dealers room will be open from 4 p.m. – 9 p.m. on Friday and from 9 a.m. – 6 p.m. on Saturday.

Scene of the Crime room

The scene of the crime room will be open from 7 p.m. – 11 p.m. on Friday and from 9 a.m. – 6 p.m. on Saturday.

BIGGEST AUTHOR THRILL YET: to find your photo under Stephen King's in MYSTERY SCENE MAGAZINE

Many thanks to MYSTERY SCENE MAGAZINE 

for putting my photo on the same award page as Stephen King's!

Mine was for The Goddaughter's Revenge winning the Derringer.  

Stephen's was for being shortlisted for the Thriller Awards.

Sushi For Two - and Pass the Matzo

When it comes to trying different types of food, I'm not really adventurous.  I kind of like to know what I'm eating.  Where it came from.  What it's been doing all its life.  So when Wil said he was taking me to a Japanese restaurant to celebrate my birthday, I was skeptical.

Of course, I've been to Japanese restaurants before.  You know the sort.  The chef (who really isn't a chef - he's a contortionist from the Tokyo Circus) stands in the centre of the table (which really isn't a table - it's a grill, isn't it?  Those clever Japanese) where he juggles footlong salt and pepper mills while cutting your meat into tiny pieces with really sharp knives and practicing the latest kung fu moves from Saturday morning television.

You, on the other hand, spend your time ducking salt and avoiding becoming the target of the knife throwing show by smiling a lot and drinking copious amounts of rocket fuel sake.  With luck and perserverance, you topple off your bar stool just in time.

Unfortunately, this wasn't that sort of place.  Nope, this was the sort of place where you get to meet your meal before you eat it.  It might even swim out to your plate.

Will grinned.  "Look, the place is filled with Japanese people.  The food must be great!"

Now, I have to admit, I've never quite seen the logic of that line.  So Japanese people are in the place.  And that makes it good?  What if they've all been BRIBED to be there?  What if it's a family concern (a BIG family) and Uncle Phil will go broke if they don't eat there?  What if it's the only place they can understand what people are saying?

Granted, it would be a little disorienting to walk into a Japanese resto and find it filled with - say - Germans speaking Urdu.  Sort of like going to an Italian Trattoria and being served by someone called Weinbaum.  "So...you want Matzo with your fettucini?  No? What, are you sick?  Hey Goldie!  Bring somma dat chicken soup over here."

We were led to a very dark corner and asked politely to sit on the floor.  Then we were given soup to eat with chopsticks.  Have you ever tried to eat soup with chopsticks?  Now I know why Japanese people are so slim.

"What's this?"  I said, spearing a little springy white glump with the chopstick.

"Tofu," said Wil.  "Try it - it takes on the flavour of anything you put with it."

"And what have they put with it?" I said gamely.

Will leaned over.  "Looks like fish eyes.  But don't worry.  They're cooked."

Maybe that's why they use chopsticks.  Maybe they don't WANT to eat it.