The BEST thing about being an Author

By Melodie Campbell (bad girl)

(This was the second half of my MC - Mattress of Ceremonies - address at the Bloody Words Mystery Conference Gala in Toronto.  Which was a blast and a half.  I even have a photo of me giving this address.  It actually looks like me, which will be explained below.)

We all know the highs.  Those delirious times when you win awards and/or get a royalty cheque that takes you and your family to Europe rather than McDonalds.

I’ve had a few highs, winning the Derringer and the Arthur.  And I’m exceedingly grateful for them.

Because - thing is - authors get a lot of lows.  For some reason, most of my lows seem to cluster around that scariest of all activities:  the book signing.

Some people think the worst thing that can happen is nobody shows up.  Or when you’re on a panel of 4 authors, and only three people show up.

But that’s not the worst.

1.   Worse is when five people show up for your reading.  And they’re all pushing walkers.

And half way through, when you’re right in the middle of reading a compelling scene, one of them pipes up, “When does the movie start?”

2.  Sometimes, even large crowds don’t help.

  

I did an event this year with two hundred people in the audience.  I was doing some of my standup schtick, and it went over really well.  Lots of applause, and I was really pumped.  I mean, two hundred people were applauding me and my books!  A bunch of hands shot up for questions.  I picked the first one and a sweet young thing popped up from her seat and asked in a voice filled with awe, “Do you actually know Linwood Barclay?”

3.  Another ego-crusher:  I was reading in front of another large crowd last year.  Same great attention, lots of applause.  I was revved.  Only one hand up this time, and she said, in a clearly disappointed voice:

“You don’t look anything like your protagonist.”

So I said, “Sweetheart, not only that, I don’t look anything like my author photo.”

4.  The Best thing about being a writer?  Near the top, has to be getting together with other writers to whine about the industry.  I was at The Drake in Toronto with a bunch of other Canadian author friends, Howard Shrier, Robbie Rotenberg, Dorothy McIntosh, Rob Brunet, Pam Blance…who am I missing?

We were whooping it up in the bar, moaning about the book trade.  Someone bought a round.  And another.  And then I bought a round.  And soon, it became necessary to offload some of the product, so I went looking for a place to piddle.  You have to go upstairs in the Drake to find washrooms, so I gamely toddled up the stairs, realizing that I couldn’t actually see the steps.  I was probably not at my best. 

I made it to the landing at the top and scanned a door in front of me.  It had a big “W” on it. That seemed sort of familiar, but fuzzy, you know?  Then I saw the door to my left.  It had an “M” on it.  So I thought, ‘M for Melodie!’ and walked right in.

Howard, I think you had probably gone by then, but the guy at the urinal asked for my number.

THE BLOODY WORDS ADDRESS BY THE MATTRESS OF CEREMONIES, PART 2

By the Mattress, Melodie Campbell (June 7, 2014, at the Toronto Hyatt Regency)

But what I really want to talk about tonight is the HIGHS and lowwwwws of being an author.

I’ve had a few highs this year.  I won some serious money in a short story contest.  I won a Derringer and an Arthur Ellis for The Goddaughter’s Revenge.

So I’ve had a few highs.  But I’ve also had some lows.  In fact, I am an expert at the lows. Most of mine have to do with the dreaded….

BOOK SIGNING.

Many people talk about the worst that can happen.  Meaning, you have a book signing and no one shows up.

But I’ve had worse.

Worse is when five people show up.  And they’re all pushing walkers.  And half way through your reading – when you’re right in the middle of a really exciting scene – someone blurts out, “When does the movie start?”

Sometimes even big numbers don’t help the ego.  I was doing an event in my hometown in front of 200 people this fall.  It was great – I was doing my comedy shtick - lots of applause.  The MC showed everyone my books, talked them up, asked for questions.

Hands shot up.  I was pumped.   I picked the first eager hand from the crowd, delighted to see such interest in my books.   And she said, “Do you actually know Linwood Barclay?”

It’s a miracle writers have any ego left at all.

I was featured at another event this year, with probably 50 people in the audience.  Again, great applause after my reading.  Lots of hands in the air.  I picked one young lady who was waving frantically.

She said (voice heavy with disappointment): “You don’t look anything like your heroine.”

I said: “Sweetheart, not only that, I don’t look anything like my author photo.”

One final low - the lowest of my lows.

One of the things authors love more than anything else is getting together with other authors to whine about the industry.   

I was at the Drake hotel with a bunch of author friends this year.  Let’s see…there were Robbie Rotenberg, Howard Shrier, Dorothy MacIntosh, Rob Brunet, Pam Blance, Tanis, Dee...a few others.  Anyways, we were bending the elbow liberally, spending God knows how much per drink, moaning about how our publishers don’t do enough to promote our books.  It was great fun.  A stellar whine-fest.  I think Robbie ordered another round.  And then I ordered another round.  This did something to my insides.  It quickly became apparent that I was going to have to get rid of some of what I had been imbibing.

I don’t know if you’ve been to the Drake, but the washrooms are upstairs.  We were on the main floor at the back.

Well, I made it to the stairs.

Nice thing about the Drake is the stairs have bannisters.  And you know, I have discovered that bannisters are a really good thing.  You can use them to pppull yourself up step by step, for one thing.  For another, they keep you going in the right direction.

So I made it to the landing at the top.  Then I turned to look for the right room.

Things were a little fuzzy in my brain, you have to understand.  In front of me was a door that had a big W on it.  W…that seemed familiar.  W for washroom?  But I wasn’t quite sure that was right, so I looked around.

To the left was a door with a big M on it.  OH!  M for Melodie!  And I walked right in.

Rob Brunet, I think you had already left by then, but the man at the urinal asked for my phone number.

Melodie Campbell rights funny books, including the Derringer and Arthur Award winning THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE, available at Chapters and online at all the usual retailers.