MY CHARACTERS HATE GOING TO BED aka Why We Write (reprinted from the places that pay me)

By Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl)

(As usual, this post will sit on the wacky side. But there is a serious message behind it all.  Why?  Why do we spend hours and hours alone in our garrets, piecing together stories that may never earn us a living wage, or even see the light of day?  Are we insane?  Or, as I pose, does writing keep us sane?)

But back to our regularly scheduled blog post:

Rowena is arguing with Thane.  Cedric meets Soren the demon for the first time.   Kendra can’t choose between Richard and Logan…or is it that young cousin of the Viking Warlord, what’s his name?

Gina and Nico are planning an art gallery heist.  Uncle Seb is about to kick the bucket, and he didn’t die ‘cleaning his gun.’  Pete is caught with counterfeit moolah, and slips through the portal to Land’s End…

No, wait a minute.  Wrong book.  Wrong series.  Even wrong genre!  Plots, you’re getting yourselves mixed up.

It’s 3:15 AM, and all is not well in my head.

I’ve come to the conclusion that my characters hate going to bed.

Like little children, they race around in my head, determined to have yet another adventure.  Problem is, they stumble over each other in their bid for freedom.  Series start mixing in decidedly zany ways.

(Okay, back to the point of this blog.)

WHY AUTHORS WRITE:

We authors control what our characters do during the day.  It’s one of the things I love about writing: the ability to control the world in a way we can’t do in real life. 

I can’t control the real world.  Sometimes the script being directed from above is pretty painful.  In my case, it contains an autistic brother and heartbreaking care-giver burdens I can do nothing about.

But I can control the world I create in words.

In my fiction, I control my characters, put them where I want them, alter their lives, change the time, the year, the setting, give them astonishing adventures and dramatic endings– it’s glorious, unfettered control.

But at night, even they go wild. 

In the wee hours of the morning, my head is a playground for creative creatures, both human and fantastical.  They have adventures even I haven’t thought of yet. 

So here’s a job for you scientists out there.  Figure out a way to capture the nocturnal plotlines that create havoc for us authors as we struggle to give our brains some needed snooze-time.

And in the meantime, can you guys please keep it down in there?  I’m trying to sleep.

Billed as Canada’s “Queen of Comedy" by the Toronto Sun (Jan. 5, 2014), Melodie Campbell achieved a personal best when Library Digest compared her to Janet Evanovich. 

PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF AUTHORS by Bad Girl

Here’s part one of the series (reprinted with permission):

What NOT to ask an author… (especially a Crime Writer who knows at least twenty ways to kill you and not get caught)

There is nothing I love better than meeting readers, both those who already know my writing, and those who are new to my books.   But recently, I was asked to talk about those things that are touchy for an author.  So here goes…a short list of No-Nos!

1.  Do not ask an author how many books she has sold.

Trust me, don’t ask this.

Really, you don’t want to.  It wouldn’t help you anyway.

Because honestly, I’ll lie.

I’m amazed that complete strangers regularly ask this.  Would you ask a lawyer how much money he makes?

Because here’s the bottom line: most of us make about a buck for every book sold, whether paperback, trade paperback or ebook.  Sometimes, it’s less than that.  (Yes, we were shocked too, when we found out.)  So by asking how many books we’ve sold, you can pretty well figure out our income.  And frankly, I don’t want you to.  You see, I write comedies, and it would depress both of us.

Also:  our royalty statements are at least six months behind (at least mine are.)  We don’t KNOW how many books we’ve sold to date on new releases.  Which is probably a good thing for our egos, if we want to keep writing.

 2. Do not ask an author to read your manuscript and critique it for free.

Yikes! 

So many times, I’ve been asked to do this, in a public place, with people overhearing.  Sometimes, by people who don’t even have the decency to buy one’s own book first!

Why this is bad:

First: I am in a place that has been booked for me to sell my books and meet with readers. That’s what I’m there for.  You are taking precious time away from me and my readers.  Believe me, my publisher won’t be happy about this.  Ditto, the bookseller!

Second: Every hour I spend critiquing an aspiring author’s book is an hour I can’t spend working on my own books and marketing them.  Like most novelists, I have a day job.  That means every hour I have to work on my fiction is precious.  Most of us do critique – for a fee.  And many of us teach fiction writing at colleges. 

I’m happy to critique my college students’ work.  I’m getting paid (mind you, meagerly) to do so.  And that’s what I always recommend:  take a college course in writing.  You’ll get great info on how to become a better writer, and also valuable critiquing of your own work.

 3. Do not ask an author to introduce you to her publisher or agent.

Want to see me cringe?

Similar to number 2 above, this puts the author in a very awkward position.  You are in fact asking for an endorsement.  If the author hasn’t read your book, she cannot possibly give it (an honest endorsement.)

Second: You are asking the author to put HER reputation on the line for you.  Do you have the sort of close relationship that makes this worthwhile for her?

4.  Do not ask an author: where do you get your ideas?

Okay, be honest.  You thought I was going to lead with this one.

Actually, you can ask me this.  I’ll probably answer something fun and ridiculous, like:

From Ebay. 

Or: From my magic idea jar.

Or: They come to me on the toilet.  You should spend more time there.

Because the truth is, we don’t know exactly.  After teaching over 1000 fiction writing students at Sheridan College, I have discovered something: some students are bubbling over with ideas.  Others – the ones who won’t make it – have to struggle for plots.  It seems to be a gift and a curse, to have the sort of brain that constantly makes up things.

I’ve been doing it since I was four.  My parents called it lying.  That was so short-sighted of them.

Opening to THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE (Orca Books)

    Okay, I admit it. I would rather be the proud possessor of a rare gemstone than a lakefront condo with parking. Yes, I know this makes me weird. Young women today are supposed to crave the security of owning their own home

     But I say this. Real estate, shmeel estate. You can’t hold an address in your hand. It doesn’t flash and sparkle with the intensity of a thousand night stars, or lure you away from the straight and narrow like a siren from some Greek odyssey.
     Let’s face it. Nobody has ever gone to jail for smuggling a one bedroom plus den out of the country. 

     However, make that a 10-carat cyan blue topaz with a past as long as your arm, and I’d do almost anything to possess it.
    But don’t tell the police.

 

Melodie Campbell got her start writing comedy.  She has nine awards for fiction, over 200 publications and was a finalist for the 2012 Derringer, and both the 2012 and 2013 Arthur Ellis awards. She is the Executive Director of Crime Writers of Canada.

WHY IT IS HARD TO GET PUBLISHED

Taking a break from the usual comedy to address a hot topic in my fiction writing classes:

Why it is hard to get published:

I have over 200 publications and won my first fiction award in 1989. In the years since, I’ve talked to several dozen editors. Here are some things they have said:

   
    1.  Your story must be original.

By that I mean, it must be a new fresh idea that publishers haven’t seen before.

This is tougher than you think. I have taught over 30 fiction writing classes since 1992. In almost every class, I have someone writing the ‘harvesting organs’ story. This has been done, I tell them. Every angle has been done, in my experience. I never want to see another one.

         2.  Your story must be extremely well written.

Let’s go beyond the spelling and good grammar. You better know how to open, how to conclude, how to generate conflict (goal/motivation/conflict) and all the other aspects of fiction writing that you learn in a good fiction writing class.  Yes, you had better take a class if you haven’t, otherwise you won’t know what is expected. 
 

      3.  Your story must be what the editor wants to buy.

Two things here:

a-     If your work is a short story, you must make sure that it is the right length and the right genre/subgenre for the market to which you are submitting.  Check their guidelines. Don’t send anything that doesn’t fit! They won’t take it.

b-     If your work is a novel, ditto about checking guidelines. Don’t send anything that the publisher doesn’t publish. They will not open a new line for your debut book.

4.  Your book must fit a hole in the publisher’s lineup.

Yes, this is the sad part. Your novel may be great. But if the publisher doesn’t have a space for it in his Fall 2015 release, he won’t buy.

Most publishers know two years in advance what they will need. So that brings me to point 5. 

5.  You are competing with currently published authors in the publisher’s stable.

Another sad fact.  Most of us published authors hope to have a book out every year or year and a half. We can easily fill our publisher’s slots. So there may not be many spaces for newcomers.

You have to look at it from the publisher’s point of view. In taking a book from an author they currently publish, they are assured of a few things:

a-     The author will make their due dates, and will be professional with respect to required edits.

b-     The author (probably) has a built in group of readers waiting for the next book.

Imagine how good your book is going to have to be to overcome these advantages.

Yet, many new authors get published every year. I’ll talk about that in a later blog.