Okay, I did another poll. So shoot me.
(Before I shoot myself, after reading the results.)
It all started with the “What Not
to Say” post I did some months ago, educating men re what NOT to say when a
woman asks how she looks. That post went
viral. Men were baffled. (This is not a bad thing. We like you in that state.) Women wanted more. More “What Not to Say” for different
circumstances. (Personally, I just think
they appreciate a good belly laugh.)
Hence this post: What Not to Say to a Woman in a Bar
Gals have been telling me for
years that men in bars are useless – USELESS – at pickup lines. So I asked women in my listserves to send me
bad pickup lines for which they had been on the receiving end.
Let me say that this was the most
enthusiastic poll I have ever conducted.
Contributions came in at the speed of light.
First, let me explain the
assumptions of this experiment: that is,
we pollsters have assumed that men in bars actually WANT to attract women, and
have delivered the following pickup lines with the express purpose of enticing
the female in question. (And not to have
them run screaming away. Which could be
a weird bar game that we are currently unaware of, but might better explain the
results of the poll.)
So, in the interest of continued procreation
of the species, I present the following No-Nos. Lads, you have something to learn when it comes to attracting the female
of the species. Here’s the list. Okay, I culled a few. But it’s pretty stark.
The Sweet but Infantile pickup lines:
I follow you home, will you keep me?”
(Sorry, fella. I don’t need another dependent to look
“You're so sweet, you put Hersheys outta
(I’m a Godiva chick, sweetie. That should be obvious.)
“Were your parents Greek gods? Because it
takes two gods to make a goddess.”
(Check your gender in that last sentence,
smart guy. Two gods would be two guys.)
The “Man, I am clever” Pickup line:
"I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you."
(I hope you’re not at the
throwing-up stage. These are new shoes.)
The Nerd Pickup line:
"You make my software turn to hardware."
Okay, I know some really great
nerds who make terrific husbands. They
tend to do well in the salary department too.
But computer geeks, you need help in attracting females. It’s not just the clothes. Believe me.
The “What were you thinking??” Pickup lines (Content Warning):
Why? Why is it that some men think being crude is
going to get women all romantic-like?
Are these the same guys who post photos of their ever-lovin' wee-wees? The following are lines that women emailed
me, as part of the poll. Yes, they are ACTUAL
LINES proffered to real women:
“Hey baby, wanna sit on my lap and we'll
talk about the first thing that pops up?”
“That shirt looks very becoming on you....of course
if I were on you I'd be coming too.”
“My face is leaving in 10 minutes... are
you gonna be on it or not?”
Milder, but still asinine:
my name is 'Milk.' I'll do your body good.” “Hey I'm looking for treasure. Can
I look around your chest?"
So men: the girl of your dreams is in the bar. She’s just been gob-smacked by clueless guys
delivering pickup lines. What should you say?