Thursday, 21 July 2016

WHAT NOT TO SAY, 2 – Worst Ever Pickup Lines

Okay, I did another poll.  So shoot me.  (Before I shoot myself, after reading the results.)

It all started with the “What Not to Say” post I did some months ago, educating men re what NOT to say when a woman asks how she looks.  That post went viral.  Men were baffled.  (This is not a bad thing.  We like you in that state.)  Women wanted more.  More “What Not to Say” for different circumstances.  (Personally, I just think they appreciate a good belly laugh.)

Hence this post:  What Not to Say to a Woman in a Bar

Gals have been telling me for years that men in bars are useless – USELESS – at pickup lines.  So I asked women in my listserves to send me bad pickup lines for which they had been on the receiving end. 

Let me say that this was the most enthusiastic poll I have ever conducted.  Contributions came in at the speed of light.

First, let me explain the assumptions of this experiment:  that is, we pollsters have assumed that men in bars actually WANT to attract women, and have delivered the following pickup lines with the express purpose of enticing the female in question.  (And not to have them run screaming away.  Which could be a weird bar game that we are currently unaware of, but might better explain the results of the poll.)

So, in the interest of continued procreation of the species, I present the following No-Nos.  Lads, you have something to learn when it comes to attracting the female of the species.  Here’s the list.  Okay, I culled a few.  But it’s pretty stark. 

The Sweet but Infantile pickup lines:

 “If I follow you home, will you keep me?”

(Sorry, fella.  I don’t need another dependent to look after.)

“You're so sweet, you put Hersheys outta business.”

(I’m a Godiva chick, sweetie.  That should be obvious.)

“Were your parents Greek gods? Because it takes two gods to make a goddess.”

(Check your gender in that last sentence, smart guy.  Two gods would be two guys.)

The “Man, I am clever” Pickup line:

       "I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you." 

(I hope you’re not at the throwing-up stage.  These are new shoes.)

The Nerd Pickup line:

       "You make my software turn to hardware." 

Okay, I know some really great nerds who make terrific husbands.  They tend to do well in the salary department too.  But computer geeks, you need help in attracting females.  It’s not just the clothes.  Believe me.

The “What were you thinking??” Pickup lines  (Content Warning):

Why?  Why is it that some men think being crude is going to get women all romantic-like?  Are these the same guys who post photos of their ever-lovin' wee-wees?  The following are lines that women emailed me, as part of the poll.  Yes, they are ACTUAL LINES proffered to real women:

“Hey baby, wanna sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?”   

“That shirt looks very becoming on you....of course if I were on you I'd be coming too.” 

“My face is leaving in 10 minutes... are you gonna be on it or not?”

Milder, but still asinine:

 “Hi, my name is 'Milk.' I'll do your body good.”
         “Hey I'm looking for treasure. Can I look around your chest?"

So men: the girl of your dreams is in the bar.  She’s just been gob-smacked by clueless guys delivering pickup lines. What should you say?  That’s easy. 

       "Can I buy you a drink?  Looks like you need one."


  1. Mysogynism by the bucket load. nauseatingly funny

    1. Viga, I think a lot of guys strive to sound clever, without thinking about the audience. Also, that they obviously hang around other guys too much :)

  2. Obvously alcohol alters their judment factors when it comes ot the English lanuae. A oouple of those I've heard off and on since the 60's - have to wonder why they stick around. One that I hade in a C& W bar on Dartmouthy's waterfront - man in question - a rig firefighter just off a rig burn out my Sabel Island. Think Louisiana accent and a huge, Stampede prize-sized belt buckle. "Oaky honey, come on over here and polish my belt buckel." (He was kinda cute and he sure could dance.)

    1. And did you? (grin - Marry him, of course!)

  3. I like a guy who says what he really means. Like the guy I danced with about 100 years ago in a bar somewhere in southern Ontario. He could barely speak English, which might explain it. He just said, Do you want to ....? I said, No thanks, and we kept on dancing. No, he's not one of the ones I married.

  4. And there's a whole story behind the ones you married ;)

  5. Pick up lines were mostly lost on me. No matter how clever they thought they were, no man ever thought his line was worth repeating when I asked: "Can you repeat that? You're on my deaf side."

    1. Hilarious! Ali, that is worth an entire new blog post.

  6. I missed your poll, Melodie, but I'd like to offer an old Irish one which still gets trotted out by delighted men who think they're the first to have heard of it: "Do you want to be buried with my people?"