Tuesday, 17 September 2013

HOW TO ADD STRESS TO YOUR MARRIAGE - Novel new approaches!

It’s simple, really.  Forget the time honoured approaches like squandering money, schlepping the housework, and temporarily forgetting you are married at the company Christmas party.  If you really want to add stress to your marriage, try one of these original approaches:


Hanging wallpaper together is the ultimate test of the marital bond.  Unless yours is Crazy Glue, don’t do it.

This is because, for one person, the hanging act is one of incredible precision, similar to what you might encounter in performing open heart surgery.  It is a Challenge.  It is a Quest for Perfection.  Measure. measure, cut, test, test, retest – the Norman Invasion of England didn’t undergo such strategic planning.  In our house, this is the same person who saves every little bit of string.

Meanwhile, at the far end of the room, the other half of the team – the one who regularly throws out the Saturday paper before she has a chance to read it – is happily tossing wallpaper strips at the wall to see how they land. 

In the interest of marital harmony, we have devised a plan for surviving wallpaper maneuvers.  In our house, one person is given custody of the level and full authority for Operation Stick-Up. The other person makes coffee and is responsible for saying “oooh” and “well done” in all the right places.

Let’s face it: couples who hang together end wanting to hang each other.


Unless you want added adventure to your vacation, don’t pack the car together.  To wit:  His technique involves using Calculus to determine the volume measure of each article to be packed, and applying each measurement to a computer mock-up of the trunk to determine efficient use of maximum space.

My somewhat quicker technique involves throwing everything in at random and applying pressure.

Unfortunately, doing this frequently results in our packing two cars and heading in opposite directions.

Thankfully, there are some things you and your spouse can and should do together.  Unfortunately, many of these lead to having children, which is something, in the interest of marital harmony, you should never do.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books.  The Goddaughter's Revenge is out Oct 1 in Chapters/Indigo, Barnes&Noble, and on Amazon.

1 comment:

  1. Marital harmony isn't all it's cracked up to be especially at the expense of giving up the kids.

    However, you do have a point and maybe couples should use your list to test their relationship before marrying. It would cut down on divorce... and probably matrimony too.