Monday 24 December 2012

Morticia's Night Before Christmas - reprinted with permission

She's back for another year!  From Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Acadamy - with Apologies to Christmas purists everywhere...

T’was the night before Christmas
Just right for a fling
Not a creature was stirring
Not even dear Thing
The relatives were hung
By the chimney with care
And spiderwebs shimmered
Like wreathes in the air.

When all of a sudden
There was such a clatter
I rose from my coffin
To check out the matter
T’was the big guy himself
And in situ quite dire
Missed his step in the flue
Landed square in the fire.

He cursed and he blustered
And rolled on the rug
I shook my head, scolding
“Don’t you be such a mug,”
“Santa,” I said
“If you want to get hot
Step away from the fire
And come see what I’ve got!”

His eyes were like saucers
He straightened up quick
Then he yelled to an elf
“Hold my sack for a bit”
And I’m happy to say
Though his belly may jiggle
The rest of him functions
With nary a wiggle.

A few hours later,
The clock ticked away
But ole Santa, the rascal
Seemed inclined to stay.
“Darling,” I said
“While I hate to remind
The children are waiting
You’re right out of time!”

“Oh damn,” he exclaimed
Tripping over his suit
“Get the reindeer all ready!
Where’n hell is my boot?”
He dashed to the graveyard
In a manner most hardy
To find reindeer engaged
In a whale of a party.

“Yo, Dasher!  Yo, Dancer,
Stop it, Prancer and Vixen!
Who’s on her?  Oh Donner…
Where’s Cupid and Blitzen?
Get off her you bugger,
Mind the top of that wall.
Oh, dammit all! Dammit all!
Dammit to hell!”

He had them reharnessed
As quick as a wink
Then he mounted and muttered
“Could I use a drink!”
And I heard him proclaim
As he rose out of sight,
“Merry Christmas – Hey doll!
Be back later tonight!”

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