She’s BACK! Morticia’s Massage Parlor and Advice Academy gets ready for Christmas!

Dear Morticia,

Call me a stick in the mud, but I don’t like Christmas.  Every year our house gets filled with all those strange sounds and smells.

Signed Hum Bug

Dear Bug,

They’re called relatives.

Dear Morticia,

Help!  All these Christmas chores need to be done and I’m exhausted.  What can I do?  The baby was sick again and kept me up all night.

Signed Tired

Dear Tired,

Sorry honey, but you married him.

Dear Morticia,

I’m a rather well-heeled gent dating a younger lady.  Is it crude to give money for Christmas?

Signed Loaded

Dear Loaded,

Of course not!  I like my men the cruder the better.

Dear Morticia,

I love the old Christmas traditions.  Do you still hang stockings by the fireplace?

Signed Sweet Sue

Dear Sue,

Frankly, I hadn’t thought of it.  But really, it wouldn’t be a whole lot of fun.  They’re already dead, aren’t they?

Morticia will return before Christmas unless Santa promises to be really crude.

Guy Alert: What NOT to Buy Your Gal for Christmas!

Pet Frogs and Other Gifts (reprinted with permission)

My first gift from a male was a pet frog.  Jimmy was five, and the frog was his most prized possession.  Unfortunately, when the hopping box was thrust in my face, I screamed, and threw it back.  Jimmy was not impressed.

Men have given me pet frogs all my life.  Gifts they would like to receive and thus gleefully assume I would want.  And I am not alone.  Last year, one female friend of mine reported receiving a set of mag racing wheels for the family car.  Another opened a big pink box containing – I kid you not – a filing cabinet.

This year, men, it’s time to shape up!  No more socket wrenches for your lady (unless she asks for them).  So what do you buy?  Here’s what you don’t:

No kitchen appliances.  By this I mean, washers, dryers, dishwashers, toasters, can-openers, or meat-slicers.  These are gifts for a house, not a sweetheart.  The same is not true of men and tools.  Men play with tools, so that makes it okay.  But I defy anyone to play with an electric can opener.

Don’t believe me?  Ever heard a couple of men discussing the merits of a brand new motorized saw?

Ed (proudly): “Radial arm.  Craftsman Cabinetmaker’s.”

George (whistling): “Power?”

Ed (caressing):  “1.5 hp high-torque 3450 rpm direct drive induction-run.”

George (scrutinizing):  “Blade?”

Ed (triumphant):  “20-tooth carbide-tipped.”

George (drooling):  “Wow.”

Women don’t behave in this manner.  You don’t see women standing around a vacuum cleaner, remarking:

Betty:  “Just look at these stats!  120 volts, draws 8 amps with powerhead, 6.6 amps without, triple prong plug, replacement hose, and seventeen thousand attachments.”

Marge:  “Gee, I wish my George would buy me a vacuum cleaner like that for Christmas.  Mind only sucks dirt.”

No, women are much more likely to say:

Betty:  “Ed bought me a vacuum cleaner for Christmas.”

Marge:  “Ed has the soul and finesse of a long-dead lake trout.”

Which is to say, he stinks.

NIghthawk Radio interviews Rowena Revel, star of 'Rowena Through the Wall'!

Nighthawk Radio tracked down Rowena Revel on one of her brief trips back to Arizona, 2011.  Read what it's like to have a foot in two worlds, and still manage to keep your wacky sense of humor...

Click here
http://nighthawktalk.blogspot.com/2011/11/from-rowena-through-wall.html

Guest Author Chris Redding, and a riveting excerpt from her new novel, Blonde Demolition!

A bomb.

One with a timer and wires and all the parts necessary to blow up the beer trailer and all in its vicinity. Including all of her fellow firefighters at the Coleville Volunteer Fire Company.

Mallory Sage had seen too many bombs in her former life with Homeland Security. Her heart raced and anger streaked through her.

"Jesse, get out," she said to her chief..

She wouldn't lose him. Not now. Not this way. She would not have her lover blown up.

Jesse Moran licked his lips and moved in her direction. He stopped and backed away from her as if he couldn't make the decision to leave.

"Get out of here, Mal."

Even in the face of a bomb, he was willing to protect her. Her heart sank. She might never be able to return that loyalty.

She clenched and unclenched her fists, her breath coming out in pants. "Not without you, Jesse. Mark, call 911. Tell them we need the bomb squad," she said, still looking at the chief.

When Jesse reached her, she yanked him out. He had one hundred pounds on her. She had surprise on her side. "Get me some wire cutters."

Jesse looked at her as though she had three heads.

"Do it."

He shook his head. "No, you don't know what you're doing. You'll blow up."

She made eye contact with one of the bystanders. "Get me wire cutters and clear everyone out of here. Someone make sure no workers are on the fairgrounds."

The last thing the struggling fire company needed was to lose this fair. It was their sole method of raising needed funds. No jerk with a penchant for bombs would do that to them. Not to the guys who missed dinners and family events to put out fires.

 

Back cover text for Blonde Demolition

You just can't hide from the past...

Mallory Sage lives in a small, idyllic town where nothing ever happens. Just the kind of life she has always wanted. No one, not even her fellow volunteer firefighters, knows about her past life as an agent for Homeland Security.

Former partner and lover, Trey McCrane, comes back into Mallory's life. He believes they made a great team once, and that they can do so again. Besides, they don't have much choice. Paul Stanley, a twisted killer and their old nemesis, is back.

Framed for a bombing and drawn together by necessity, Mallory and Trey go on the run and must learn to trust each other again―if they hope to survive. But Mallory has been hiding another secret, one that could destroy their relationship. And time is running out.

Meet Guest Author Kate Hill

ROMANCE WITH A SMILE 

Though romance isn’t necessarily funny, humor usually has its place in romantic stories.

Some romances are based on humorous situations. Not that these stories don’t have their serious moments, but the humor interwoven in them makes them feel-good reads that provide an escape from reality.

At times books are so serious that a character or event is used for comic relief. When you just need to briefly step back from an intense plot, some characters bring a smile to your face.

While I enjoy reading all kinds of romance including comedy, in my books, with the exception of the satirical GreatSword’s Woman, I tend to have moments of humor interspersed with horror, action or drama. Though I usually find comedy difficult to write and truly admire authors who have mastered the art of creating romantic comedies, some characters have such outrageous personalities that they can’t be written without humor.

Two characters I feel very close to and who were easy to write, partly because of their sense of humor, are Vincent Dilorenzo and Sir Lock. I received a lot of mixed feedback about Vincent. People either loved him or hated him. They either got his humor or they didn’t. Both types of comments were nice to see because he stood out enough to provoke a reaction either one way or the other. Vincent was so much fun to write because he used humor as a shield. He preferred playing the buffoon to confronting the shame and guilt of his past. Sir Lock also used humor as a coping mechanism. Both guys could be wild, crazy, and obnoxious. They drove other characters nuts, but they were liberating to write, mostly because they weren’t trying to impress anyone and didn’t care about appearances. The usually went out of their way not to conform.

Some of my favorite romantic comedies are Vampire Vintage by Ashlyn Chase and the Shelby’s Angels series by Stephanie Burke. If I’m in a bad mood, these stories can help get me out of it.

How do you feel about humor in romance books? Do you have any favorite romantic comedies or humorous characters that always make you smile?

About Kate

What do trips around the world, endless nights of breathtaking sex, and a muscular, 6-foot 3-inch, brown-haired, blue-eyed significant other have to do with Kate Hill? Absolutely nothing, but she can dream, can't she? In reality Kate is a vegetarian New Englander who loves writing romantic fantasies.

When she's not working on her books, Kate enjoys reading, working out, and researching vampires and Viking history.  You can visit her online at http://www.kate-hill.com

Rejection Slips and Other Ciphers

Ever wonder if there is a hierarchy of rejection slips?
I'm an expert.

This week, my humour column is a guest post on this U.S. blogsite.  Please visit me there for:

Rejection Slips and Other Ciphers!