Wednesday 19 October 2011


Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy

Just in time for Halloween…

Try Morticia’s relaxing noose therapy (patent pending)
We’ll have you dead calm in minutes…

Dear Morticia,
I am a novice writer attempting my first novel.  Can you give me any advice?
Signed, Stephen Kingsley

Dear Steve,
To be honest, I’m not much of a fiction writer.  I have a lot of plots, but sadly, my characters are lifeless.

Dear Morticia,
Are you personally acquainted with any spirits?
Signed, Tele Pathic

Dear Tel,
Well, I’ve gotten to know Jack Daniels quite well over the years.  I’m also acquainted with Johnny Walker (…deadly for long spells, frankly).

Dear Morticia,
Whatever shall I do?  My eighty year old father has just been arrested for exposing himself – do you think they can make it stick?
Signed, Aghast in Agincourt

Dear Ag,
Couldn’t say for sure.  I once knew a ghost who was caught flashing, but they couldn’t pin anything on him.

Dear Morticia,
I’m a firm believer in the Occult and participate regularly in seances.  Are you a medium?
Signd, Spirtually Inclined

Dear Inc,
Nope, I’m a large.  Especially where it counts, hon.

Dear Morticia,
Do you actually get all this ridiculous mail, or do you make it up yourself?
Signed Sceptic

Dear Scep,
Of course I don’t make it up!  I have a ghostwriter.

Unless you all go out and buy my book, expect more Graveyard humour next week


  1. I love these advice columns, ghostwriter, snort. Keep it up.

  2. You are a sucker for punishment, Loves :) And my kind of twisted.

  3. Another few minutes cheerfully wasted. Thanks!