A Guy and his Stuff

Something went very wrong in my life several years ago:  I married a hoarder.

Our basement is a serious hazard.  Experienced tracking dogs could get lost in there.  Entire families have been known to disappear down the stairs without a trace, only to reappear days later with enough furnishings to equip a three-bedroom townhouse.

I think there should be a law that prevents hoarders from setting up house with purgers, and in fact, I would suggest the following revision to the standard wedding vows:  “Do you promise to love, honour and refrain from filling the basement with 22 years worth of junk…”

Now lest you think I ruthlessly discard priceless family heirlooms, let me give you an abridged – VERY abridged - list of the contents of our basement:

A complete set of Road and Track magazines dating back to 1978, augmented by Car and Driver, Hot Rod, and Popular Mechanics;

The left mirror from a 1969 bronze Firebird (nothing else, just the mirror; the rest of the car died in 1977);

Sections of an electric slot car racing track dating back to 1960;

Nine defunct cameras;

Unknown fabric objects that might at one time have passed for clothing;

Assorted pieces of wood, wire and metal tubing;

Various and sundry car parts, fan belts, mats and cigarette lighters from Triumph Spitfires, Lotus Europas, Pontiac TransAms, all of which are no longer made, no longer running, and no longer owned, but the parts “might come in handy some day.”

I suggested a garage sale once.  This went over with the kind of enthusiasm that might be associated with a mass accident on the Gardiner Expressway.  Conversation went something like this:

Wife:  “We need to have a garage sale.”

Husband (aghast):  “What are you talking about?  We don’t have anything to sell!”

Wife:  “What about those ‘Welcome to the Slag Pits of Ontario' TV tables over there?”

Husband (clutching said items to chest):  “You gotta be kidding!  They don’t make ‘em like this anymore!”

As for the last twenty years, I only have myself to blame. Love is blind. Instead of gazing into his eyes, I should have looked in his room

Do you live with a hoarder?  Please comment to tell us the treasures you have in your basement…

The Worst of 'Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy'

You asked for it - now live with it!  More from Morticia (reprinted with permission)

Get in shape with BODIES BY MORTICIA
...Select yours today!

Dear Morticia;
My wife can't go a day without playing bingo.  What's your impression of a woman like that?
Signed Fed Up

Dear Fed;
Sorry, I don't do impressions.  This is an advice column.

Dear Morticia;
My husband works shifts and comes home so tired he can barely carry on a conversation.  How can I keep him from falling asleep on me?
Signed, Frustrated

Dear Frust;
Push him off.  Next...

Dear Morticia;
Are you busy this weekend?  Party at my house - I finally got rid of my parents!
Signed, Home Alone

Dear Home;
That's nice.  Did you manage to make it look like an accident?

Dear Morticia;
My mother and I read your advice column every month and we are appalled by the ridiculous advice you give.  In fact, we can't believe you actually get paid to produce this kind of trashy garbage on a regular basis.
Signed Disgusted in Durham

Dear Gus;
Wait a sec...you mean they're supposed to pay ME?

Morticia will return to these pages if somebody doesn't kill her off first.

Rowena Through the Wall in no. 2 spot on Amazon.ca Bestseller List!!

Today, Rowena Through the Wall took the no. 2 spot on the Amazon.ca top 100 Bestseller list  (fantasy, futuristic & ghosts), behind Karen Marie Moning!  Many thanks to all the people who made this possible.

I can't joke at a time like this.  More funny stuff later.

More from Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy

Many thanks to those demented people who asked for more of Morticia.  (reprinted with Permission)

Brought to you by:  MORTICIA & CO., Distributors of Aftermarket Body Parts.

Dear Morticia;
My husband was married once before.  When he passes on, would it be appropriate to bury him beside his first wife?
Signed Planning Ahead

Dear Head;
Only if she's dead first.

Dear Morticia;
I keep asking my boss for a raise, but he keeps saying no.  As a last resort, I'm thinking of offering him my body.  Think it will work?
Signed Blondie in Bowmanville

Dear Blondie;
Gee, I don't know.  Chances are he has a perfectly good body of his own.

Dear Morticia;
My boyfriend and I won a hundred thousand dollars in a lottery.  I want to buy a house and he wants to buy a 427 AC Cobra four speed.  What should we do?
Signed Homeless

Dear Less;
Recent reports suggest that it is very difficult if not impossible to prepare a proper meal on a 427 engine block.  On the other hand, most houses built today can't travel at more than 2 miles per hours.  Tell you what.  Forward the winnings to my address and I'll do a test run for ya.

Dear Morticia;
What is the quickest way to a woman's heart?
No Don Juan

Dear No Don;
Zippered sweaters, although wrap-around blouses run a close second.

Guest-Blogger Alison Bruce

I am pleased to welcome Alison Bruce, writer of mystery, adventure and romance, and occasional tech guru.

 

Romance is Funny that Way

I wrote my first romance when I was in my late teens: “Angel in Paradise”. It was cross between Love Boat and the Perils of Pauline. I tried to write it straight and failed abysmally. Then I tried writing it as a comic romance and fell flat. It took me years of writing and life experience to understand that while I was no comedian, I would always see the humour in life experience and it would come out in my writing whether I intended it to or not.

Humour is humanity’s greatest coping mechanism. It gets us through the most frightening and despairing situations - and romance is no exception. Let’s face it love, true love, is scary, messy and raises us to great heights only to drop us into the depths of self-doubt. If we didn’t laugh, we’d be going to Romeo-esque extremes - killing ourselves when a little common sense could have led to a happily ever after. I’d rather die laughing.

So, when Jase Strachan realizes the mess he’s got himself into, taking care of a boy who is really a girl who he is falling in love with, he laughs at himself. When Marly Landers puts herself in danger, his sense of humour stops him from strangling her - or blowing her cover which would be worse.

Marly uses humour - even allowing herself to be the butt of the joke - to defuse situations that might lead to her masquerade being discovered. In the end, she uses a tactic worthy of a Shakespearean comedy to get her man. Just read the book and see.

"I loved the murder mystery ... as well as the sense of humor which had me either chuckling or laughing out loud. The development of the main characters is very well done."
Jacqueline Wilson, Deputy Sheriff for Publications of the Chicago Corral of the Westerners

“This novel is filled with accurate settings, genuine voice, and unexpected humor. And if you're more interested in the thriller or detective or romance or mystery genre, there is enough of a romance angle and an in-depth murder investigation to satisfy everyone.”
Gail M Baugniet (reader review)

Alison Bruce has an honours degree in history and philosophy, which has nothing to do with any regular job she's held since. A liberal arts education did prepare her to be a writer, however. She penned her first novel during lectures while pretending to take notes.

www.alisonbruce.ca

www.alisonebruce.blogspot.com

www.facebook.com/alisonbruce.books

About Under A Texas Star

Disguised as a boy, Marly joins a handsome Texas Ranger in the hunt for a con man and they must bring the fugitive to justice before giving up the masquerade and giving in to their passion.

When Marly Landers is fooled by con man Charlie Meese, she's determined to bring him to justice--even if it means dressing up as a boy and setting off across the plains to find him.

Texas Ranger Jase Strachan is also after Meese, for crimes committed in Texas. He joins forces with the young boy in a journey that takes them to Fortuna, where a murder interrupts their mission. Jase is duty bound to find the killer, no matter the cost.

Marly carries out her own investigation and comes to the aid of Amabelle Egan, the sister of one of the suspects. But appearances are deceiving, and Marly is mistaken for Amabelle’s suitor, making her a target for the killer. Not to mention, Charlie Meese is still out there.

Under the Texas stars, Marly and Jase are drawn together by circumstances beyond their control, yet fate plots to tear them apart. Will Marly finally get her man?

Introducing...Morticia's Massage Parlour and Free Advice Academy

Back in the bad ole days, I had a gig writing a wacky advice column for a resto/bar trade mag.  On the urging of a few friends who have absolutely no taste, I am bringing Morticia back to life <sic> on these pages.  Reprinted with permission...

Dear Morticia:
This guy I really like has finally asked me out.  Thing is, I met him at a beach and he doesn't know I wear glasses.  Should I wear them on our first date?
Signed:  Short sighted

Dear Short:
That depends.  What does he look like?


Dear Morticia:
I've been sleeping with a piece of wedding cake under my pillow since last April and it isn't doing a thing.  What do you suggest?
Signed:  Always a Bridesmaid

Dear Always:
Personally, I've never seen the point of sharing your pillow with wedding cake.  Why don't your try a man instead?  Lots more fun and not near as messy.

Dear Morticia:
All I want is a man who doesn't play golf all weekend long.  Is that too much to ask?
Signed Weekend Widow

Dear Weak:
Really?  That's ALL you want from a man?  Must get pretty boring at night....

Dear Morticia:
I like your style.  How about a date, Sugar?
Signed: Swinger

Dear Swing:
Sure!  January 27th?  August 18th?  11/04/21?  MCXXII?

To be continued....

Announcing the Winner of What's Behind YOUR Wall?

Congratulations to Leisa Prater, who has won the draw for the ebook version of Rowena Through the Wall!
Thanks to everyone who entered.

Don't forget to enter other contests offered by Imajin Books this summer!