Why I could Never Marry a Disney Prince

By Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl)

Continuing on the Disney theme here…

Being a Disney Princess is one thing.  But did you ever wonder what life might be like if you actually married the guy who rescued you?

To be straight, I’m all for manly men who risk their safety to prove their love for you.  But here’s the thing.  In many Disney tales, Prince-dude doesn’t even KNOW the dame he sets out to rescue.   

They’ve never met before.  It’s like one-way online dating.  He gets to know about you beforehand, but you’re on a completely blind date, sister. 

Sleeping Beauty

Okay let’s start with this one.  Stranger Prince walks into a girl’s bedroom.  Sees her sleeping on the bed.  Walks up to her, and kisses her, AN UNCONSCIOUS WOMAN, without her permission.  Fast forward to our time. 

Beauty:  “Who the hell are you?  And how did you get into my bedroom?  Get the hell away from me!  Police!  Help!  Take that, you creep.”  <picks up spinning wheel and smashes Prince over the head with it>

Rapunzel

This one is better illustrated entirely by dialogue.

Prince:  “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.”

Rap:  “So you can climb up it, Dude?  Are you nuts?  I’m not your freaking staircase.  If you think I’m going to let you walk all over me… And who the hell are you, anyway?  Some hair fetish pervert?  That settles it.  First thing tomorrow, I’m going to the hairdresser for a pixie cut.”  

“But wait!” you say.  Sometimes the Prince and Princess know each other.  Yeah, and sometimes it doesn’t help.

Cinderella

Okay, this one really gets my goat.  Prince has lost his beloved, and has to search the whole kingdom to find the gal who fits the tiny glass slipper perfectly. 

Cin:  “Really??  You need a flipping shoe to find me?  We danced for three hours, and you didn’t once look at my face?  Keep walkin’, loser.  I don’t need no foot-fetish creep in my life.  Unless of course you happen to own a high end shoe store that stocks Manolos and Jimmy Choos…”

Wait!  There’s more. 

The Frog Prince:  Enter Stalker Prince…in which a frog stalks Princess begging her to kiss him, because, you know, he’s the REAL THING under all that green, and all she’s dreamed of, he just knows it.

Beauty and the Beast…in which a terrifying but lonely beast confines Beauty (boy, they really phoned in that name) and keeps her in his castle until she FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM.

This was meant to be a funny column.  But the underlying message is starting to gnaw at me.  Sorry, Disney girls, but you don’t know what you want.  Just listen to the man who is obsessed with you.  He knows best.

And that’s why I could never marry a Disney Prince.  Luckily I married a Scottish guy instead.  He can slay dragons as well as any Prince.  Not only that, he prefers Zena Warrior types.  A match made in heaven, instead of Disney.

Why I would make a lousy Disney Princess by Bad Girl

Bad Girl here, with a sad revelation.  I would make a lousy Disney Princess.  This goes back to my early childhood days, when it occurred to me that being a princess might actually suck.  “Princess? 

Why would I want to be a freaking princess?  Doesn’t the Queen have all the power?  Who cares about being pretty and wearing pink.  Give me control of the charge card, thank you very much.  And the castle, while you’re at it.”

Okay, so I may have a slight aversion to the helpless female trope.  It frustrated the hell out of me that every damned fairytale princess was a helpless ninny.  What kind of role model is that?

So it occurred to me that a few scripts could use some rewriting.  Dialogue is my thing, so here goes.  (With apologies to just about everybody in the entire world.)

Cinderella:  “What do you mean, I have to sweep all the floors in here?  Is this the dark ages or something?  You’re clearly affluent, right? Hey! You! Pick up the phone and call Molly Maids.”

Sleeping Beauty:  “You’ve got to be kidding.  Sleep for 100 years? <hysterical laughter> I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in years, and I’ve tried everything, believe me.  Melatonin, meditation, little blue pills… Listen, sister, if you think you can spell-me, BRING IT ON.  Don’t bother with the mincey Prince, either.”

Snow White:  “Em…thanks very much for the offer of a real Prince, but I’ll pass.  I’m doing pretty well here with these seven dwarfs. In fact, Grumpy isn’t grumpy any more, and I’m thinking of renaming him Randy…”

I’ll stop there, before the hate mail starts.

Okay, so I think we all agree that I would make a lousy Disney Princess.  All is not lost though.  I make a damn-good Jewish one.

More comedy about a mob princess!  Just launched at Chapters, Barnes &Noble, Amazon and all the usual suspects.  Book 5 in the award-winning Goddaughter series.