Bad Girl here, with a sad revelation. I would make a lousy Disney Princess. This goes back to my early childhood days, when it occurred to me that being a princess might actually suck. “Princess?Why would I want to be a freaking princess? Doesn’t the Queen have all the power? Who cares about being pretty and wearing pink. Give me control of the charge card, thank you very much. And the castle, while you’re at it.”
Okay, so I may have a slight aversion to the helpless female trope. It frustrated the hell out of me that every damned fairytale princess was a helpless ninny. What kind of role model is that?
So it occurred to me that a few scripts could use some rewriting. Dialogue is my thing, so here goes. (With apologies to just about everybody in the entire world.)
Cinderella: “What do you mean, I have to sweep all the floors in here? Is this the dark ages or something? You’re clearly affluent, right? Hey! You! Pick up the phone and call Molly Maids.”
Sleeping Beauty: “You’ve got to be kidding. Sleep for 100 years? <hysterical laughter> I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in years, and I’ve tried everything, believe me. Melatonin, meditation, little blue pills… Listen, sister, if you think you can spell-me, BRING IT ON. Don’t bother with the mincey Prince, either.”
Snow White: “Em…thanks very much for the offer of a real Prince, but I’ll pass. I’m doing pretty well here with these seven dwarfs. In fact, Grumpy isn’t grumpy any more, and I’m thinking of renaming him Randy…”
I’ll stop there, before the hate mail starts.
Okay, so I think we all agree that I would make a lousy Disney Princess. All is not lost though. I make a damn-good Jewish one.
More comedy about a mob princess! Just launched at Chapters, Barnes &Noble, Amazon and all the usual suspects. Book 5 in the award-winning Goddaughter series.