People often ask me why I write comedy. I say it’s because I am seriously fed up with
reality. I mean, really - what’s so
special about it? Everybody does it.
So for those of you who are sick of reality (TV or otherwise,) this
is for you. In the lofty traditions of
Dallas, Dynasty and Desperate Housewives, make way for…TRAVESTY!
Note the originality of the plot.
(Hey, it’s rerun season!)
INTERIOR. A pink frilly bedroom. Daytime.
An attractive young woman in full makeup and Victoria’s Secret underwear
reclines on the bed, moaning fatuously.
An older man kneels by her side, wringing his well-manicured hands.
Lance: “Tell me April, I gotta know. Is the baby mine?”
April (in
bed): “Oh Lance! Oh Lance! <sob!> …what baby?”
Michael enters the
room.
Michael: “April honey, I’ve got something to tell you.”
April: “No - <sob> - not-“
Michael nods.
April: “You?
And Lance?”
Lance: “OH-MY-GOD”
Michael: “And your mother’s been hit by a beer truck,
and the boutique has burnt down.”
April (standing up
in bed): “THE BOUTIQUE?”
Michael: “We saved the clothes, but the jewelry was a
meltdown. Sorry.”
April (clutching
throat): “I can’t take it anymore! This
is too much for one day.”
Michael: “And it’s only 8 a.m.”
Lance (clearing
throat): “About your mother…”
April (collapsing
on bed): “OH-MY-GOD, MOTHER! She hated beer.”
Lance: “I have something to tell you…”
April (to
director): “Do I faint now?”
Lance: “…she’s actually not your mother…”
Michael: “WHAT?”
April: “You mean-“
Lance: “Yes.
I am”
<gasps all
around>
Michael: “That trip to Sweden…?”
Lance: “Yes.”
Michael: “LANA?”
Lance: “Yes.”
Michael: “But didn’t we…?”
Lance: “Yes.”
Director (to
April): “You can faint now.”
Everyone faints.
Stay tuned next week for more riveting drama, when April asks the
question, “How do you tell if blue cheese is bad?”
-30-
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