Saturday 29 September 2012

WHY BOOK TOURS ARE SO EXPENSIVE - more comedy from Funny Girl

Book tours are expensive.  You travel around to independent book stores and you sell some books and sign them.  It’s fun.  You meet a lot of great people.  But it’s expensive.  And I’m not talking about the hotel tab and the bar bill. 

I should have just stayed in the bar.  It was leaving the bar that became expensive.

Nice night.  We decided to go for a walk.  It was dark, but I had on my brand new expensive progressive eye-glasses, so not a problem, right?

One second I was walking and talking.  The next, I was flying through the air.

Someone screamed.  

WHOMP.  (That was me, doing a face plant.)

“OHMYGOD! Are you okay?”  said my colleague.

I was clearly not okay.  In fact, I was splat on the sidewalk and could not move.  

“Fine!” I yelled into the flagstone.  “I’m Fine!”

I tried to lift my head.  Ouch.

“That must have hurt,” said someone helpfully.

I write murder mysteries.  It may come in handy.

A crowd had gathered.  Not the sort of crowd that gently lifts you off the ground.  More the sort of crowd that gawks.

“Couldn’t figure out why you were running ahead of us.” My colleague shook his head. 

I wasn’t running.  I was tripping and falling.

“That sidewalk is uneven.  Your foot must have caught on it.”

No shit, Sherlock.

By now I had tested various body parts.  Knees were numb.  Hands, scraped.  Chin, a little sore.  

But here’s the miraculous thing.  I hit in this order: knees, tummy, boobs, palms.  My tummy and boobs cushioned the fall and saved my face. 

Yes, this was going through my mind as I pushed back with my tender palms to balance on my bloody knees.

“Ouch!”  I said.  No, that’s a lie.  I said something else.

I stood up.  It was a miracle.  My knees were a bloody mess, but the dress survived without a scratch.  It was made in China, of course.  Of plastic.

The crowd was dispersing.  But the pain wasn’t over.

Next day, I hobbled to the clinic.  The doctor, who probably isn’t old enough to drive a car yet, shook his head.  “Progressive glasses are the number one reason seniors fall.  They are looking through the reading part of their glasses when they walk, and can’t see the ground properly.”

‘Seniors fall?’  I’m not even eligible for seniors discounts yet!

“Get some distance-only glasses,” he advised.

So I did.  Another 350 bucks later, I have a third pair of glasses to carry around in my purse.

Which means my purse isn’t big enough.

So I need to buy a new purse.

And this is why book tours are so expensive.


  1. Poor Mel.

    I've been saved from a fall like yours because I couldn't afford progressives in the first place. Now you couldn't pay me to wear them. If you went WHOMP, I'd go SPLAT.

  2. Can I say Yikes? Hope you're feeling better now, and yes, you made it funny. Now I need to go talk to my husband who just got progressives.

    1. I healed in two weeks, which made me feel rather proud of myself, Marja! However, it will take me longer than that to pay off the new glasses...

  3. Very funny post. I take my glasses off when I walk my dogs. I quickly realized they were a hazzard the first time I tripped. I loved that you were thinking about how the incident would make a good addition to your writing when you sequenced your fall--hilarious. And your plastic dress made in China-priceless.

    1. Thanks, Cora! Truly, except for a smoosh of blood on the inside, the dress is in perfect condition. Must be plastic.

  4. You mean you're supposed to look down when you walk? Like where your feet are about to go? Aha! Maybe that explains why I go flying so much. But then, I've always wanted to fly... We have lift-off! We have lift-oooooof!

  5. Crack me up! Thanks for the Sunday morning laughter!

  6. Boobs come in so handy, but it's really difficult to train yourself to fall on them first.

    You are just one funny gal.

    1. Lesley, funny have how they have different uses throughout your life. In your twenties and thirties, they are decorative. Now...

  7. This is why I wear regular bifocals, not progressives. I tried a pair of progressives once and got dizzy from the transition. But when I'm outside I wear my cool sunglasses that are distance only, although I'd probably be better off with a seeing-eye dog. As which part of the anatomy to fall on, some of us are not blessed in the "upstairs balcony" and would not be well cushioned.