Friday 7 September 2012

My Short Conversation with God re ascending into Middle Age

Okay, I admit it.  I’m middle-aged.  Such a nice, bland term for reaching the middle years of your lifespan.  But it’s a lie. Because that would assume that I am going to live to be over 100...well over 100...
But grant me the illusion.  Middle-aged.  Middle-income.  Middle-expanding….

It’s time I had a talk with the Big Boss.  A very short conversation, as it happened.

Me:  God Sir, I have a complaint.  I’m over 50 now, and while it’s really nice not to have to deal with all that baby-making crap, what the hell is happening to my body? These weren’t the boobs I came in on.  What’s that all about?

Voiceover:  My child, I needed to invent gravity to keep you all on earth and not floating up to heaven before your time.  What starts UP must come down.  So I give you this – gravity isn’t a law in heaven.  You get them back when you pass through the pearly gates.

Me:  Oh dear.  You haven’t been paying very close attention to my life lately, have you… So here’s the thing.  Do I get them back if I go the other way?  

Voiceover:  My child, how can you even think of asking such a thing?

Me: It’s all those college science classes.  If gravity pulls things DOWN on earth, does it pull things UP from Hell?  Just so I know my options, you see…

Voiceover:  I’m thinking your options are closing down quickly.

Me:  I’m thinking I’m talking to the wrong Big Guy.

And just because this is an equal opportunity column, I’m suggesting that all you guys out there might want to go to Hell.  Not just because I’ll probably be there.  But if gravity indeed pulls UP…

1 comment:

  1. If we make our own Hell, can't we make our own Heaven too?

    I want mine to be a rustic beach resort with cabana boys who bring you coffee in the morning, Corona and lime in that afternoon, and aged rum in the evening. The beach-side cabins are self cleaning. The library stays up to date with the living world. And every character I have ever loved passes through the hotel bar at some point or another. (Some might stay around for a while.)

    Naturally pets will have to be allowed and, since this is Heaven, I won't be allergic to them.