More Completely Useless Advice from Morticia (with apologies to sane people everywhere)

MORTICIA'S MASSAGE PARLOUR AND ADVICE ACADEMY
(reprinted with permission)

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Dear Morticia,

I’m a motion picture producer from Hollywood and I’m really impressed by your profile.  Have you ever considered acting for a living?

Signed Steamy B. Demille

Dear Steamy,

While I’m dying to make your acquaintance, I’m a little uneasy about earning a living.  (What would I do with it?)

Dear Morticia,

I’ve just found out that the guy I’ve been dating is a real snake.  What should I do?

Signed, Livid

Dear Livid,

Belt him.  (Act fast: this relationship is bound to be constricting.)

Dear Morticia,

I just got an invitation to a ritzy wedding, and wouldn’t you know, I’m supposed to bring an escort.  What should I do?  I’m between men right now.

Signed, Forlorn

Dear For,

Bring both.  (I never mind being between men, honey.)

Dear Morticia,

I am a born again Christian and now have a totally different perception of the afterlife.  I urge you to give up your misguided ways and find the true meaning of life.

Signed, Second Chance

Dear Second,

No thanks.  I wanted to be born again, but Mom said No.

Confidential to Won’t Leave Me Alone in Wellington: I know it’s hard, but you just gotta be firm, honey.  I had the same problem with a very nice ghost once.  Finally, I had to tell him I just couldn’t see him.

Morticia will be back, unless someone pays her author a thousand bucks.