BOOKS I WILL NEVER WRITE… Part 1 Dino Porn (with apologies to George Orwell)
Apparently, I have been sounding too normal these days. There have been complaints. The following is an attempt to rectify that.
People pay money for the weirdest reads.Don’t believe me?
Yes, you heard that right.
This is a ‘thing.’ No, I don’t
mean porn that randy male dinosaurs might read, involving somewhat sassy females
of the same species who like a good time.
Last I checked, dinosaurs couldn’t read.
Not even the urban ones.
But I’m not here to talk about that. I’m not even going to talk about the
weirdness of someone wanting to write about sexual relations between a human of
today and a creature that might possibly have become extinct during an ice
storm back in the good old days. All writers
are weird. Some are more weird than
others (thank you, George Orwell.)
Nope. I want to talk
about the blatant inequity in the dinosoar porn field. Not only that, in ALL areas of human/not-even-remotely-human
Don’t believe me? Have
you noticed that all these erotic books that star humans and some other race like
Vampires or Werewolves or Aliens or Ducks (hey! Has it been done?) always feature
a girl with the Vampire or Werewolf? Or,
in our case, a girl with the T-Rex?
Why is it always that way around? Never do you see a young man being pursued
by, say, a randy female dino. I have to
assume female dinos are more discriminating.
Still, in the interests of fair play, I offer my version of Dino porn:
It might go like this:
“La, la, lalalala, la, lala, la, la…” <innocent young
female stegosaurus frolics among the Precambrian (whatever) wild-flowers, unaware that she
is about to be approached from behind>
“Hey hey,” says healthy male homo sapien, who obviously
time-traveled here from another era. “You
on Tinder, babe?”
“Tinder?” says Steggy-gal, unfamiliar with the vernacular. “Isn’t this a grassland?”
“How about I just show you my equipment?” says creepy guy,
who might possibly be blind. “I’ll just
take it out here…oops, no. That’s my phone.”
“Oh! There’s a
butterfly!” says Steggy-gal, easily distracted.
“HA,” says creep, lining up to do the dirty. “Bet ya never
had it like THIS before!”
“Gee, these flies are a nuisance,” says Steggy, batting the
annoyance away with her spiked tale. "Why do
they always hang around THAT end…”
Okay, enough pastiche-ing around. It’s discrimination, pure and simple. Okay, maybe not pure. And possibly more complicated than
simple. All those tentacles… which
reminds me. Girl with a Squid comes out in 2018.