Monday 26 October 2015

“He said THAT??” And other male no-nos… (for Mark, who missed it the first time around)

By Melodie Campbell

One day, I am going to write a book.  It is going to be entitled:  A Male’s Guide to Social Acceptance.

Or alternatively, What NOT to say to Females if you want to Continue Breathing.

Because men, you need some help.  Even you good guys need help.  For lesson one, I am going to deal with a perfectly innocuous question that has led to many relationship breakdowns.

She:  “How do I look in this?”

Yes, guys, this is a minefield.  Here’s my advice:

You must answer.  Silence is not an option.  Silence implies that you are desperately thinking of something to say that won’t result in your going to bed with a meat cleaver in your head.

1.  Say, “Very pretty.”  (Pretty is a safe word.  Use it often.)

2.  Or say “I like that.”  (Try to say this without too much hesitation beforehand.)

3.  When all else fails, say “Wow!” (You don’t have to be specific.)

Do NOT say: “It makes you look slim.”

This should be obvious, but often confuses males.  Your saying this implies that she is not slim, and thus requires something to make her look so.  Violence may ensue.

“But she’s always asking me if something makes her look fat!”  Yes, this is a trick question.  It’s one thing for her to ask you.  It’s a totally different thing for you to suggest, without prompting, that something is good because it makes her look slim.  Get it?

Other cautions: 

Guy: “You look sexy.”

She:  “Nice sexy, or slutty sexy?”

Guy (confused):  “All sexy is good…  Isn’t it?”

No, Prince Charming!  What is good sexy for the bedroom is not good sexy for the company Christmas party.  So the correct answer is, “nice sexy.” 

Final tough question:

She (striding confidently into the room):  “Notice anything different?”

Guy (squirming):  “Did you do something to your hair?”

At which point she commences pulling it out.

Guys, I sympathize when you are faced with this one.  In a panic, you go through the checklist: hair, new outfit…and then run out.  So I suggest the following default answer, good for so many occasions:

“Not sure, but you look terrific.”

Final point:  if you have learned anything at all from this lesson today, and you want to continue breathing, you will NOT say:

“Have you lost weight?”

Next time, we will explore the issue of pickup lines.  <I can hardly wait for this one.>

Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like the mob comedy, The Artful Goddaughter.  You can buy them in stores like Chapters and online at all major retailers.

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