Pet Frogs and Other Gifts (reprinted with permission from the places that pay me)
My first gift from a male was a pet frog. Jimmy was five, and the frog was his most
prized possession. Unfortunately, when
the hopping box was thrust in my face, I screamed, and threw it back. Jimmy was not impressed.
Men have given me pet frogs all my life. Gifts they would like to receive and
thus gleefully assume I would want. And
I am not alone. Last year, one female
friend of mine reported receiving a set of mag racing wheels for the family
car. Another opened a big pink box
containing – I kid you not – a filing cabinet.
This year, men, it’s time to shape up! No more socket wrenches for your lady
(unless she asks for them). So what do
you buy? Here’s what you don’t:
No kitchen appliances.
By this I mean, washers, dryers, dishwashers, toasters, can-openers, or
meat-slicers. These are gifts for a
house, not a sweetheart. The same is not
true of men and tools. Men play
with tools, so that makes it okay. But
I defy anyone to play with an electric can opener.
Don’t believe me?
Ever heard a couple of men discussing the merits of a brand new
motorized saw?
Ed (proudly): “Radial arm.
Craftsman Cabinetmaker’s.”
George (whistling): “Power?”
Ed (caressing): “1.5
hp high-torque 3450 rpm direct drive induction-run.”
George (scrutinizing):
“Blade?”
Ed (triumphant):
“20-tooth carbide-tipped.”
George (drooling):
“Wow.”
Women don’t behave in this manner. You don’t see women standing around a vacuum cleaner, remarking:
Betty: “Just look at
these stats! 120 volts, draws 8 amps
with powerhead, 6.6 amps without, triple prong plug, replacement hose, and
seventeen thousand attachments.”
Marge: “Gee, I wish
my George would buy me a vacuum cleaner like that for Christmas. Mine only sucks dirt.”
No, women are much more likely to say:
Betty: “Ed bought me
a vacuum cleaner for Christmas.”
Marge: “Ed has the
soul and finesse of a long-dead lake trout.”
Which is to say, he stinks.
Melodie Campbell writes funny books, including The Goddaughter series. You can buy them at most retailers.
Melodie Campbell writes funny books, including The Goddaughter series. You can buy them at most retailers.
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