If you are looking for a quick way to develop a valium
habit, I suggest you take at least two kids to Wonderland. Any sunny day will do, but if you want best
results, go on a Saturday during summer. Try to pick a day when it’s at least
90 degrees and humid.
The first thing you’ll discover at Wonderland is that
everything is designed to extract money from you. Everything.
Even the parking lot. There you
are, in the middle of nowhere, and you have to pay for parking. There isn’t much else around except cows. I firmly believe that if someone bought 10
acres several hours north of here, paved it, and put up a Parking sign, people
from the city would drive all the way up there, simply for the novelty of
finding a place to park.
Our family has a pre-set routine for checking out
rides. We watch for a little while, and
it if looks quite reasonable – almost sedate, in fact – we hand over the huge
amounts of money to ride the “Yah Yah Alpine Express” and climb aboard. At which point, it turns upside down and
travels at a blistering speed designed to ensure we are so preoccupied with
survival that we don’t care about the loss of the remaining loose change from
our pockets. Usually about this time,
when we’re whizzing around like air in a turbine engine, my prescription
sunglasses fly off, never to be seen again.
I’ve often wondered if there are millions of sunglasses parts grinding
away among the mechanical workings of rides everywhere, making things safer for
all concerned.
Food is no problem, unless you actually get hungry. It is probably called “fast food’ because in
order to get it, incredible amounts of money has to leave your wallet at warp
speed. Or maybe because eating the stuff
encourages fasting?
By this time, your kids will be whining continuously from
the heat, the noise, the smell, the crowds, the candy floss and the odd sickish
feeling in their stomachs. With any
luck, they’ll wait to throw up until you’re back in the family car, heading for
home.
As for going home: they don’t allow you out through the
gates until you can prove that you’ve spent all the money you have. So you may as well hand it over at the entrance
when you first arrive, avoid the whole ordeal altogether, and just go home.
The last time I went to Wonderland (and the first) was with my parents. We discovered some easy ways to save money.
ReplyDeleteGo on a ride immediately. You won't want to eat for the rest of the day. When you get too hot, go on the log ride. Getting soaked will cool you down and rehydrate you as the water flows into your mouth as you scream.
You can skip the Valium, but you'll need a jar of Noxema and bottle of Tylenol for the family when you get home.