IT'S BAD FOR YOU! (Riding the Satire Trail again...)

I'm back in the saddle!  Actually, I left the saddle back in Utah, but am riding the satire trail again...

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot about things that are harmful to our health.  By this I don’t mean activities like bungee-jumping or selling nuclear bombs to third world countries.  No, I mean ‘new-wave’ hazards – the really dangerous stuff like hair dyes and sunshine.

Almost any day now, I expect to read the following story in newspapers: “Laboratory scientists have conclusively proven that everything is hazardous to your health.  In fact, the healthier you are, the more hazardous everything is.  And if you happen to be a laboratory rat, things are TERRIBLY hazardous, indeed.

No doubt about it, our lab rats are failing a lot of tests these days, and personally, I think we may be looking at this the wrong way around.  Maybe things really aren’t so hazardous.  Maybe the problem is we have a bunch of weaklings for rats. 

What can you expect though?  They get free food and lodging, and never have to work for a living.  No alley cats to trim their little rat-tails.  Talk about stress-free. I can see them now, in their plush air-conditioned cages, sipping pinot, nibbling on Camembert, watching cable…”Ho hum, think I might take a little spin on the wheel today…or maybe not – TOO exhausting.  What about you, Rodney?”

No matter how you slice is, this is NOT the typical lifestyle of your average homo sapien!  And frankly, I’m not ready to throw in the towel because a  few wimpy laboratory rats can’t handle the rough and tumble of everyday life.

These rodents need a little toughening up!  Get them out of their posh surroundings and back into the real world.  Turn them loose in downtown Toronto without a credit card!  Make them drive the 401 in rush hour.  Breathe that Hamilton smog!  Live on caffeine and fast food like the rest of us.  Go grocery shopping with a limited budget and two kids on a SATURDAY.  That will get them in shape in a hurry.

Three months on the Go-train and subway in rush hour and those rats would positively LAUGH at Clairol Light Ash Brown, and ultraviolet rays would simply slide off their hardy little bodies!

It’ll never happen though.  We pamper them with booze, cigarettes, luxurious surroundings, free meals and all kinds of perks… Then again, we do it for our politicians, so why not our rats?