Okay, so it’s rerun season.
Does that mean we have to settle for absolutely brainless TV? Are we doomed to watching mindless nighttime
reruns of Friends and Family Guy on sixteen different channels in forty
languages? Of course not! We can watch mindless reality shows!
But for those of you who are sick of reality and long for
some realistic sex and violence on television, this is for
you. In the lofty traditions of Dallas,
Dynasty and Desperate Housewives, make way for… TRAVESTY!
Note the originality of the plot. (Hey, it’s rerun season!)
INTERIOR. A pink
frilly bedroom. Daytime. An attractive young woman in full makeup and
Victoria’s Secret underwear reclines on the bed, moaning fatuously. An older man kneels by her side, wringing his
well-manicured hands.
Lance: “Tell me
April, I gotta know. Is the baby mine?”
April (in bed): “Oh
Lance! Oh Lance! <sob!> …what
baby?”
Michael enters the room.
Michael: “April
honey, I’ve got something to tell you.”
April: “No -
<sob> - not-“
Michael nods.
April: “You? And Lance?”
Lance: “OH-MY-GOD”
Michael: “And your
mother’s been hit by a beer truck, and the boutique has burnt down.”
April (standing up in bed): “THE BOUTIQUE?”
Michael: “We saved
the clothes, but the jewelry was a meltdown. Sorry.”
April (clutching throat):
“I can’t take it anymore! This is too much for one day.”
Michael: “And it’s
only 8 a.m.”
Lance (clearing throat):
“About your mother…”
April (collapsing on bed):
“OH-MY-GOD, MOTHER! She hated
beer.”
Lance: “I have something
to tell you…”
April (to director):
“Do I faint now?”
Lance: “…she’s
actually not your mother…”
Michael: “WHAT?”
April: “You mean-“
Lance: “Yes. I am”
<gasps all around>
Michael: “That trip
to Sweden…?”
Lance: “Yes.”
Michael: “LANA?”
Lance: “Yes.”
Michael: “But didn’t
we…?”
Lance: “Yes.”
Director (to April):
“You can faint now.”
Everyone faints.
Stay tuned next week for more riveting drama, when April
asks the question, “How do you tell if blue cheese is bad?”
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