Wednesday, 29 March 2017

Why I could Never Marry a Disney Prince

By Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl)

Continuing on the Disney theme here…
Being a Disney Princess is one thing.  But did you ever wonder what life might be like if you actually married the guy who rescued you?

To be straight, I’m all for manly men who risk their safety to prove their love for you.  But here’s the thing.  In many Disney tales, Prince-dude doesn’t even KNOW the dame he sets out to rescue.   
They’ve never met before.  It’s like one-way online dating.  He gets to know about you beforehand, but you’re on a completely blind date, sister. 

Sleeping Beauty

Okay let’s start with this one.  Stranger Prince walks into a girl’s bedroom.  Sees her sleeping on the bed.  Walks up to her, and kisses her, AN UNCONSCIOUS WOMAN, without her permission.  Fast forward to our time. 

Beauty:  “Who the hell are you?  And how did you get into my bedroom?  Get the hell away from me!  Police!  Help!  Take that, you creep.”  <picks up spinning wheel and smashes Prince over the head with it>


This one is better illustrated entirely by dialogue.

Prince:  “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.”

Rap:  “So you can climb up it, Dude?  Are you nuts?  I’m not your freaking staircase.  If you think I’m going to let you walk all over me… And who the hell are you, anyway?  Some hair fetish pervert?  That settles it.  First thing tomorrow, I’m going to the hairdresser for a pixie cut.”  

“But wait!” you say.  Sometimes the Prince and Princess know each other.  Yeah, and sometimes it doesn’t help.


Okay, this one really gets my goat.  Prince has lost his beloved, and has to search the whole kingdom to find the gal who fits the tiny glass slipper perfectly. 

Cin:  “Really??  You need a flipping shoe to find me?  We danced for three hours, and you didn’t once look at my face?  Keep walkin’, loser.  I don’t need no foot-fetish creep in my life.  Unless of course you happen to own a high end shoe store that stocks Manolos and Jimmy Choos…”

Wait!  There’s more. 

The Frog Prince:  Enter Stalker Prince…in which a frog stalks Princess begging her to kiss him, because, you know, he’s the REAL THING under all that green, and all she’s dreamed of, he just knows it.

Beauty and the Beast…in which a terrifying but lonely beast confines Beauty (boy, they really phoned in that name) and keeps her in his castle until she FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM.

This was meant to be a funny column.  But the underlying message is starting to gnaw at me.  Sorry, Disney girls, but you don’t know what you want.  Just listen to the man who is obsessed with you.  He knows best.

And that’s why I could never marry a Disney Prince.  Luckily I married a Scottish guy instead.  He can slay dragons as well as any Prince.  Not only that, he prefers Zena Warrior types.  A match made in heaven, instead of Disney.


  1. I've always loved the Beauty and the Beast, especially the original story and the latest movie, because Belle barters her freedom for her father's. Then, she changes the Beast, not the other way around. It's like reverse Stockholm Syndrome. My problem is that Beauty falls in love with a big hairy guy with horns. Is she ever going to be happy with a milquetoast prince?

    1. Laff! I considered commenting in the blog about the loser father that would let his daughter take the fall for him. Reverse Stockholm that's a different take.

  2. I love the Shrek version of the sleeping princess. She's just faking it to get out of the tower.

    1. See? These stories are so much better with a modern touch, grin.

  3. LOL. My daughter and I have had this discussion many times. Disney is doing better. Tangled was a little better and Frozen was the start of really getting it right.