by Melodie Campbell (they let me off my leash again...)
knows they shouldn’t marry a writer. Mothers the world over have made
that obvious: “For Gawd Sake, never marry a marauding barbarian, a sex
pervert, or a writer.” (Or a politician, but that is my own personal
bias. Ignore me.)
But for some reason, lots of
innocent, unsuspecting people marry writers every year. Obviously, they
don’t know about the (gasp!) “Zone.” (More obviously, they didn’t have
the right mothers.)
Never mind: I’m here to help.
think it pays to understand that writers aren’t normal humans: they
write about people who don’t exist and things that never happened.
Their brains work differently. They have different needs. And in some
cases, they live on different planets (at least, my characters do, which
is kind of the same thing.)
Thing is, writers are
sensitive creatures. This can be attractive to some humans who think
that they can ‘help’ poor writer-beings (in the way that one might
rescue a stray dog.) True, we are easy to feed and grateful for
attention. We respond well to praise. And we can be adorable. So
there are many reasons you might wish to marry a writer, but here are 10
reasons why you shouldn’t:
Writers are hoarders. Your house will be filled with books. And more
books. It will be a shrine to books. The lost library of Alexandria
will pale in comparison.
2. Writers are addicts. We
mainline coffee. We’ve also been known to drink other beverages in
copious quantities, especially when together with other writers in
places called ‘bars.’
3. Writers are weird. Crime
Writers are particularly weird (as weird as horror writers.) You will
hear all sorts of gruesome research details at the dinner table. When
your parents are there. Maybe even with your parents in mind.
Writers are deaf. We can’t hear you when we are in our offices,
pounding away at keyboards. Even if you come in the room. Even if you
yell in our ears.
5. Writers are single-minded. We
think that spending perfectly good vacation money to go to crime writing
conferences like Bouchercon is a really good idea. Especially if there
are other writers there with whom to drink beverages.
The bad reasons:
6. It may occasionally seem that we’d rather spend time with our characters than our family or friends. (See 9 below.)
7. We rarely sleep through the night. (It’s hard to sleep when you’re typing. Also, all that coffee...)
Our Google Search history is a thing of nightmares. (Don’t look. No
really – don’t. And I’m not just talking about ways to avoid taxes…
although if anyone knows a really fool-proof scheme, please email me.)
And the really bad reasons:
9. If we could have affairs with our beloved protagonists, we probably would. (No! Did I say that out loud?)
10. We know at least twenty ways to kill you and not get caught.
that last one: If you are married to a writer, don’t worry over-much.
Usually writers do not kill the hand that feeds them. Mostly, we are
way too focused on figuring out ways to kill our agents, editors, and
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