Miss the Bloody Words Banquet last weekend? Here is a sample of the opening address…
(with apologies in advance to serious people everywhere):
From the start, Cheryl and I had discussions about what to call me.
Master of Ceremonies didn’t seem quite right, as we both agreed I’m a master at nothing.
Mistress of Ceremonies…if we went with that, seeing it was me, people would be expecting whips and chains. And then I might be mistaken for Gloria Ferris tonight.
I suggested Mistake of Ceremonies. That may very well turn out to be true.
And then, in a particularly zany moment, when we were in that frantic period leading up to the con, we came up with Mattress of Ceremonies, because I was so (wait for it…) supportive.
Last summer, when Cheryl TOLD me I was doing this… <no laughter>. Cheryl, they either know you really well, or not at all.
Anyways, the diet started last August, and I’m pleased to report that I’ve lost 2 pounds. I should reach my goal weight in 2038.
So…there wasn’t much I could do in the thin department. But maybe I could do something about looking younger. So I did something I’ve never done before. I bought a face cream that was guaranteed to make me look decades younger. To my surprise, it worked. I broke out all over and looked about 14.
People will notice I’m not wearing the dress that I wore for the Crime Scene photos. Unfortunately, that dress had a serious cleavage issue. Cheryl and I decided that if I wore that dress, Kevin Thornton would start a pool on whether there would be a wardrobe malfunction tonight.
<Kevin yelled “20 to 1 For, Mel” from the back of the room. Unscripted.>
But that suggested to me that I really ought to get some new underwear. It’s been a while, and I could use a new bra and gauchies. Something glam. But you wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find something in my size. They really don’t make a lot of bras in 38 Long.
To be continued….