Thursday, 15 November 2012

THE ONE-LINERS....from my comedy days

As most people who read this blog know, I got my start writing comedy.  This involved writing longer monologues for newspapers and stand-up, and short one-liners (actually, most of them are three-liners...did you ever notice?  Who picks these terms?)

By popular request (thanks, kids!) here is a post of my favourite one-liners (and two, and three...Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition).  As in all comedy, delivery is important.  So imagine the great Phyllis Diller delivering these lines, in that deliciously low, crusty voice.

I had the flu once.  It was horrible.  I couldn't eat a thing for three hours.

I tried one of those expensive anti-aging creams recently.  It worked.  I broke out all over and looked about fourteen

About my recent passport photo. Seriously? I harbor this secret fantasy that border guards are going to take one look at my passport and say, "Hey!  This isn't you!  Take her away."'

Back in the day I used to be a beach babe.  Over the years, my body has morphed into 'beach ball,' and is now on it's way to 'beached whale.'

What is is about guys in cars?  Why do they all turn into demonic Richard Pettys?  Hands clenching the wheel in a death grip, ready to smash the gas peddle through the floor JUST IN CASE the guy in the next car manages to pull away from the light one second ahead?
Women don't behave in ridiculous ways like this.  We're much too busy shopping for things we don't need.

Recent studies show that approximately 40% of writers are manic-depressive. The rest of us just drink.


  1. You wrote for Phyllis Diller - or is she just the best comedienne to deliver your lines? Either way, I can hear her now. (Which either means I'm haunted or should get my ears checked.)

  2. I signed a confidentiality clause to get paid, so can't confirm or deny. But I can tell you - that woman was special.