Reprinted with Permission
NOTICE: THIS COLUMN CONTAINS NO SEX OR VIOLENCE. Please read it anyway.
I’ve been courting you for ten years. In that time, I’ve taken you out for countless dinners and bought you lots of expensive gifts. I think it’s time you told me how you really feel.
Signed: Losing Hope
I feel fine, thanks.
My wife just ran away with the milkman. I’m lost and confused – help me, Morticia. This is a matter of LIFE OR DEATH!
Don’t panic – of course I’ll help. The simplest way to tell is this: if you’re breathing, it’s life. If you’re not, it’s death. (honestly, some people…)
Can you believe it? I just bought one of those cardboard sunscreens for my car windshield, and it came with the instructions, “Do Not Drive With Shield In Place”. Who writes these things??
Signed Baffled in Burlington
I don’t know but I did see a sign in a jewelry shop recently: “Ears Pierced While You Wait” (The alternative just boggles the imagination.)
My birthday was on Saturday night, and you didn’t come!
Signed, Sorely Disappointed
Wow! I was disappointed too, but HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
Confidential to Car-lover in Caledonia:
You have a valid complaint, and now is the time to assert yourself. NO woman should have to do that in the front seat of a car! Get in the back…
Morticia will return when the author is sick of her other personality.