BAD GIRL (Melodie Campbell) FEATURED ON HBS AUTHOR SPOTLIGHT today!

I could tell you about it, but that's no fun.
Why not go to this link and check it out?

James put me through the interview gauntlet and we had some fun.  (When does Bad Girl ever NOT have fun with an interviewer?)

http://hbsauthorspotlight.blogspot.ca/2015/09/melodie-campbell-author-interview-in.html?showComment=1443468012163#c1377294005918318800

Okay, okay.  A preview.... but believe me, the fun is in the Q&A.

My Short Conversation with God re Ascending into Middle Age - comedy reprinted from the places that pay me

Okay, I admit it.  I’m middle-aged.  Such a nice, bland term for reaching the middle years of your lifespan. 

   

But it’s a lie. Because that would assume that I am going to live to be over 100...well over 100...

But grant me the illusion.  Middle-aged.  Middle-income.  Middle-expanding….

It’s time I had a talk with the Big Boss.  A very short conversation, as it happened.

Me:  God Sir, I have a complaint.  I’m over 50 now, and while it’s really nice not to have to deal with all that baby-making crap, what the hell is happening to my body? These weren’t the boobs I came in on.  What’s that all about?

Voiceover:  My child, I needed to invent gravity to keep you all on earth and not floating up to heaven before your time.  What starts UP must come down.  So I give you this – gravity isn’t a law in heaven.  You get the originals back when you pass through the pearly gates.

Me:  Oh dear.  You haven’t been paying very close attention to my life lately, have you… So here’s the thing.  Do I get them back if I go the other way?  

Voiceover:  My child, how can you even think of asking such a thing?

Me: It’s all those college science classes.  If gravity pulls things DOWN on earth, does it pull things UP from Hell?  Just so I know my options, you see…

Voiceover:  I’m thinking your options are closing down quickly.

Me:  I’m thinking I’m talking to the wrong Big Guy.

And just because this is an equal opportunity column, I’m suggesting that all you guys out there might want to go to Hell.  Not just because I’ll probably be there.  But if gravity indeed pulls UP…

THE ARTFUL GODDAUGHTER a contender for the KILLER NASHVILLE AWARDS!

Dear Readers and Friends;

My publisher tells me The Artful Goddaughter is a contender for the Killer Nashville crime book awards. On this list, I also note my favorite author, Andrea Camilleri (never expected to be up against him! And a few friends.)

I am critically shy about asking people to vote. But ask I must, or my publisher will disown me. If you enjoy my work, it would be wonderful if you could vote for The Artful Goddaughter. It's pretty easy to do. No joining anything. Here's the link:

http://www.killernashville.com/silver-falchion-readers-choice-awards-best-novel-cozy-traditional-mystery/

And if you enjoyed this book, 

Coming Jan. 19 2016 - THE GODDAUGHTER CAPER!

Book 4 in the mob caper series, NOW AVAILABLE FOR PREORDER

A KILLER NECKLACE! coming in the next few weeks....

Talk about fabulous branding!  Check out the cover of A Killer Necklace, the second in the Fashionation with Mystery series, and compare to the first book, A Purse to Die For, below.

A KILLER NECKLACE is the second in the classic Agatha Christie style mystery series, featuring female sleuths Gina and Becki.  Fashion with Mystery..."fast, fun and fabulous!"
Order details coming soon.

How did I get into this Mess?? Debra Purdy Kong guests on the Bad Girl Blog today, with some inside dope on the Security Biz

HOW DID I GET INTO THIS MESS?

 

Bad Girl is pleased to host Debra Purdy Kong today, an intrepid gal who has gone places where few women have gone before!

I am in awe of her.  She'll tell you in her own words...

by Debra Purdy Kong

I stood before a high chain-link fence in the automotive courtyard while the November downpour seeped through my cargo pants. Frantically, I tried to unlock the gate’s rusty padlock with numb fingers. The instructor was on his way and the gate needed opening fast, but the key wouldn’t turn. As my young supervisor pulled up in the security vehicle to see what was taking so long, the instructor arrived. At this point, only one thought crossed my mind: How the hell did I get into this mess?

The truth is, I answered an ad in the paper. You see, I was looking for different type of work and the security field interested me, especially since they were paying for training. As it happened, I was also writing a novel about a transit security cop and quickly saw the research potential.

Executing my brilliant plan wasn’t that easy. After all, I was fifty-three years old and taking on a fairly physical job. This fact didn't concern the woman who hired me, though. She assured me that the company welcomed mature female applicants with life experience. This was only partly true.

Working in lousy weather with young, male coworkers who didn’t respect a middle-aged mom proved to be challenging. My supervisor never did get out of the comfy vehicle to lend a hand with the padlock that I finally managed to open. Over time, I learned to deal with many awkward situations, but it all provided great material for my protagonist Evan Dunstan who has to deal with murder in DEAD MAN FLOATING. I like Evan. He’s the kind of guy who’ll get out of the car to help the newbies with rusty padlocks.

EXCERPT FROM DEAD MAN FLOATING:

Propping the kickstand, Evan removed the small flashlight attached to his belt then stepped nearer the water. Oh shit! It was a hand! A freakin’ hand! And legs! He moved the flashlight up the body until he spotted the grey fringe circling a bald head that glowed like a moon. Evan shivered. Was the guy alive? He wouldn’t have to perform CPR, would he? That first-aid course last year didn’t go so well after he broke that manikin.

DEBRA’S BIO:

Author of six mysteries and over fifty short stories, Debra has won numerous awards for her work. She conducts workshops, is an administrative assistant at Simon Fraser University, and also works as a substitute facilitator for the creative writing program with Port Moody Parks & Recreation. More information about Debra’s books and her blog can be found at www.debrapurdykong.com

Also visit her FB Author Page https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mystery-Author-Debra-Purdy-Kong/139005706175139

Or find her on Twitter @DebraPurdyKong

DEAD MAN FLOATING can be ordered at:

Amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/Dead-Floating-Evan-Dunstan-Mystery-ebook/dp/B014K0UY1A

Smashwords  https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/573302

Kobo  https://store.kobobooks.com/en-CA/ebook/dead-man-floating

Up the Tabloids! (reprinted from the places that pay me)

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I have it on very good authority that we will all soon be eaten by

Aliens. You may not believe it, but they even have pictures. I’ve seen them. In the National Enquirer.

I’ll bet you think this type of reporting is believed only by people with the intelligence of woodworms. But frankly, the supermarket tabloids cover a market that daily city papers are frightfully lax about reporting. After all, it is in one’s interest to keep up with the ongoing sagas of our neurotic top celebs, if only for the relief in confirming that “Hey - I am not all that nuts! SHE is nuts.”

Okay, so I can’t come down too hard on the rags. I’ve actually been published in them. (I’m talking short stories here – things that were supposed to be fiction.) And they paid me a hell of a lot more than The Globe & Mail and Toronto Star ever did.

Besides, tabloids are educational. Mind-boggling scientific facts also get top billing in these papers. I read recently of a woman called Eartha Bog who talks to her plants. Lots of people do that, but she also claimed they talked back.

I’ve thought about this a lot.  I mean, really: who needs a bunch of talking plants nagging you around the house all day? Mine would probably say things like:

Violet: Ugh! When was the last time you dusted?

Ivy: Putting on a little weight, aren’t you dear?

Which brings me to my all-time favorite tabloid story, entitled “My Alien Lover left me for a Younger Woman.” The lady in the checkout line behind me pointed it out.

“Oh My God – even Aliens do it!” she said.

“Yes,” replied the first woman in line, shaking her head. “But do they do it better?”

Postscript: I talked to my editor once regarding the veracity of the people who were quoted in his paper. He told me that those alien stories are not lies. They are fully believed by the people interviewed for the article, who may just happen to live in a specialized hospital environment. I’m not kidding. He told me that.

Move over, Stephanie Plum! Bad Girl is featured on The NYC Bail Bonds Daily

Guess who is featured on The NYC Bail Bonds Daily?  (Yes, it is what it sounds like.)

Occasionally, my crime humour posts get picked up by internet newsletters, but this one is a hoot.

Click here for the link.  Cursor down to Arts and Entertainment.

What post did they pick up?

KILLING PEOPLE IS WHAT I DO

Check out the direct link here 

Many thanks to Debra Purdy Kong for hosting me today!
 

IWSG day! Bad Girl's tricks for Writing with Kids

 

IWSG Day!

Hi Everyone!  Welcome to IWSG Day on the Bad Girl Blog.

Anyone else have to fight to find time to write?

Okay, these are not the definitive rules for Writer-parents. I would never claim to be an expert.  But I did raise two kids while writing stand-up on the side and penning a syndicated humour column every two weeks. (My moniker was Bad Girl. Go figure.)

So I learned a few things about survival along the way.

Bad Girl’s Tricks for Writing with Kids:

1.   Probably you shouldn’t lock yourself in the bathroom, so the kids can’t get at you. Equally, you shouldn’t sit in the playpen with your kid on the outside, screaming and shaking the thing.  Okay, at least not more than once a day.

2.   Never put a package of Twinkies in front of a toddler so that you can continue to write. (Remove them all from the plastic wrappers first so the kid doesn’t choke.)

3.   A kid won’t die if they drink half a mug of cold coffee.  But watch the wine. In fact, you might want to finish the rest of the bottle right now, just to be safe.

4.   Other kid’s birthday parties are a great thing for a writer. But you really should pick up your own kid when they’re over. (Eventually. Before winter.)

5.   It’s okay to get someone to babysit your kids while you move into a new house. But it’s not okay to forget to tell everyone where that house is.

6.   When your kid leaves home for university, it is not recommended to immediately change their room into an office or writing room. Wait until after Christmas. The sales are better.

Re “Leaving the nest”: Every mother gets emotional about this. But probably you shouldn’t do it until your kids are grown up.

Check out other great IWSG posts today!  Follow this link:
http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/p/iwsg-sign-up.html

Melodie Campbell writes funny books, including the multi-awardwinning The Goddaughter’s Revenge.  You should buy them.