Monday 10 June 2024

WANTED: ONE FAIRY GODMOTHER (pee warning: comedy)

Apparently, it's been too serious around here.  There've been complaints.  So I dug back into my comedy portfolio for something I know my good friend Cheryl will like.  Cher, you know who you are!

First published, Town Crier (and affiliated papers) 1995. Second pub, The Sage

 

Wanted: One Fairy Godmother


by Melodie Campbell 

One thing the Catholic Church really has going for it is a vast army of Guardian Angels.  These are wonderful beings whose sole purpose is to guide you through life, and prevent you from making really embarrassing mistakes…those everyday kind of mistakes such as hopping a last minute flight to Argentina with Raoul instead of baking more cookies for the school fundraiser, like you promised.

But for those of us who weren’t born Catholic, what we need is a Fairy Godmother.  Not the old fashioned kind who dresses in 1950s prom dresses and goes around changing vegetables into vehicles.  Nope – I want someone on my side: a modern, down-to-earth Fairy Godmother, who will answer all those pesky questions that everyone else always sidelines.

In fact, I can visualize my personal Fairy Godmother.  She would be about 65 years old (but would only admit to 49) with a petrified blond hairdo and a Brooklyn accent.  Her orange lipstick would be a little too thick, and she’d carry one of those bombproof organizer handbags.  Of course, she’d be full of wonderfully useful advice, like exactly how far up are you supposed to shave your legs?

“The problem with you girls today is you don’t wear proper foundation garments.  Go without a bra?  You’re going to be KICKING them in a few years…”

Instead of going for tea at the Arcadian Room, she’d drag me off for salad and Singapore Slings at the Four Season’s.

“Nothing wrong with a little nip now and then, dearie.  Puts colour in your cheeks.  Don’t you read Cosmo?”  And while we’re munching and slurping (“Drinking girl’s diet – gotta watch those hips”) she’d give me nonstop advice about how to get along in life.

“Forget Good Housekeeping – the way to a man’s heart is not tuna casseroles.  But here’s how to make a really good martini...”

“Face it, dearie.  After the age of 40, what every girl really needs is a good esthetician…”

“You’ve never been to Paris?  That’s it – we’re going in March.  I know this little place on the Rue la Fontaine that serves the best coquille…”

So I’d like to be here writing my column next month, but chances are I’ll be in Paris with my Fairy Godmother.

Of course, I recognize a Fairy Godmother isn’t for everyone.  Perhaps the guys would prefer to have a Fairy Godfather…or then again, perhaps they wouldn’t…

 

And now a word from our sponsor...


 

 

 

 

Friday 19 April 2024

The book that started my career: ROWENA THROUGH THE WALL - 4th edition, now on sale!

 If you missed it more than a decade ago, now is a great time to pick up ROWENA THROUGH THE WALL,  first in the series featured on USA today, and called "Outlander meets Sex and the City"

121 reviews:  4.2 star average!

(4th edition presented by Lachesis publishing, now on sale at all e-platforms)



Wednesday 14 February 2024

The Mob, the Model, and the College Reunion

by Melodie Campbell, in the anthology ...MURDER, NEAT

If you like the comedy in The Goddaughter series, you'll love "The Mob, the Model, and the College Reunion"!

Now available on Amazon, and select bookstores! 

Here's what others say about it:



Thursday 18 January 2024

IT'S HERE! READERS DIGEST - FEB ISSUE - Under the new title, 'ELOPEMENT SPRINGS ETERNAL'

NOW ALSO AVAILABLE IN READERS DIGEST UK!  (*waves* to relatives in Salisbury and Bournemouth_

https://www.readersdigest.co.uk/lifestyle/dating-relationships/what-is-the-appeal-of-running-away-to-elope?fbclid=IwAR1fVd9IudP0VACf5JaB6e8GCS8fs1aONIlulXAV__QBbFf7bOSDP1gyhBw

Many thanks to the wonderful people at the Globe and Mail, and Reader's Digest, who helped make this possible!  Looking for the International Reader's Digest version now...

Here's page 3 of 3



Friday 22 December 2023

Bad Santa! (More Humour, and pass the scotch)

(Appearing on Sleuthsayers today - Repeated here for my regular readers.)

Santa, I have a complaint. 

Put bluntly, you are simply not up to the task anymore.  

In fact, I am going to suggest that if there IS a Santa, he is doing a terrible job and needs to be replaced.

Let me explain.

After the events of today, I'm about to propose a new category of writing award, one that has been previously overlooked.  One that, at the very least,  I feel would add great amusement to our field:

Unluckiest Author of the Year


                                                 (this is me)  

Ideally, this would be a money-winning category, but no doubt if I won it, the cheque would be lost in the mail.

To wit:

Friends will remember that - exactly two years ago - the entire 2nd printing of my YA book Crime Club fell off a container ship into the Pacific ocean (along with 17 other containers).  Just in time for Christmas sales.

(Pass the scotch. )

Santa, we had a long talk about that.



This year, I've had a thrilling thing happen.  I had a column in The Globe and Mail (Toronto and National editions) that was picked up by Reader's Digest for Canadian and World Rights.  In addition, they asked me to write more for them. As one industry professional said, Reader's Digest is the "pinnacle archive of our times."  So it was kind of a big deal, for me.

Headline in The Globe and Mail today:

READER'S DIGEST TO CLOSE ITS DOORS

(Pass the scotch.)

The column was to appear in the Feb. 2024 issue.  I sent my invoice yesterday.  

To be fair, the door that is closing is the Canadian issue.  The column might still appear in Lichtenstein and Bolivia - who knows?

But I'm willing to bet all my royalties from the 2nd printing of Crime Club (ha-ha), that this invoice will go unpaid.

Really, Santa, can't you do something about all this bad stuff happening right before Christmas?  I mean, one understands that there's no good time for bad things to happen.

BUT REALLY???

Have a heart, Big Guy!  I'm starting to lose faith in you.  Oh, what's that you say?   Your goal is to give me 'spectacularly zany' material with which to continue my comedy career?

All I can say is, there better be a lot of scotch under the tree this year.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE!

The real me, before scotch.