Morticia's Advice Academy - A Hallowe'en Tradition for the demented reader

More Completely Useless Advice from Morticia, 

repeated with permission from the news rag that used to pay me (yes, they actually paid me to write this.)

(With apologies to sane folk everywhere)

Read the National Expirer

…for the best in Graveyard Journalism

Dear Morticia,

I just got an invitation to a ritzy wedding, and wouldn’t you know, I’m supposed to bring an escort.  What should I do?  I’m between men right now.

Signed, Forlorn

Dear For,

Bring both.  (I never mind being between men, honey.)

Dear Morticia,

Help!  All these chores need to be done and I’m exhausted.  What can I do?  The baby was sick again and kept me up all night.

Signed Tired

Dear Tired,

Sorry honey, but you married him.

Dear Morticia,

I’ve just found out that the guy I’ve been dating is a real snake.  What should I do?

Signed, Livid

Dear Livid,

Belt him.  (Act fast: this relationship is bound to be constricting.)

Dear Morticia

I am a born again Christian and now have a totally different perception of the afterlife.  I urge you to give up your misguided ways and find the true meaning of life.

Signed, Second Chance

Dear Second,

No thanks.  I wanted to be born again, but Mom said No.

Confidential to Offended in Oakville: You are absolutely right, and a girl has a right to pick and choose.  I would never agree to try that position with a man I wasn’t married to.  I mean, what would your husband say?

Just in time for Halloween…More from Morticia’s Massage Parlour and Advice Academy

(as seen in The Sage)

BAD GIRL

By Melodie Campbell

Try Morticia’s relaxing noose therapy (patent pending)

We’ll have you dead calm in minutes…

Dear Morticia

I am a novice writer attempting my first novel.  Can you give me any advice?

Signed, Steven Kingsley

Dear Steve;

To be honest, I’m not much of a fiction writer.  I have lots of great plots, but sadly, my characters are lifeless.

Dear Morticia;

Are you personally acquainted with any spirits?

Signed, Tele Pathic

Dear Tel;

Natch. I’ve gotten to know Jack Daniels quite well over the years.  I’m also acquainted with Johnny Walker (…deadly for long spells, frankly my dear).

Dear Morticia;

Whatever shall I do?  My eighty year old father has just been arrested for exposing himself – do you think they can make it stick?

Signed, Aghast in Agincourt

Dear Ag;

Couldn’t say for sure.  I once knew a ghost who was caught flashing, but they couldn’t pin anything on him.

Dear Morticia;

I’m a firm believer in the Occult and participate regularly in séances.  Are you a medium?

Signed, Spirtually Inclined

Dear Inc;

Nope, I’m a large.  Especially where it counts, hon.

Dear Morticia;

Do you actually get all this ridiculous mail, or do you make it up yourself?

Signed Skeptic

Dear Skep;

Of course I don’t make it up!  I have a ghostwriter.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE.  You can find them at Chapters and online at Amazon and most other retailers.

MORE REALLY BAD ADVICE FROM MORTICIA...

Morticia's Massage Parlour and Advice Academy

Just in time for Halloween…

Try Morticia’s relaxing noose therapy (patent pending)

We’ll have you dead calm in minutes…

Dear Morticia,

I am a novice writer attempting my first novel.  Can you give me any advice?

Signed, Stephen Kingsley

Dear Steve,

To be honest, I’m not much of a fiction writer.  I have a lot of plots, but sadly, my characters are lifeless.

Dear Morticia,

Are you personally acquainted with any spirits?

Signed, Tele Pathic

Dear Tel,

Well, I’ve gotten to know Jack Daniels quite well over the years.  I’m also acquainted with Johnny Walker (…deadly for long spells, frankly).

Dear Morticia,

Whatever shall I do?  My eighty year old father has just been arrested for exposing himself – do you think they can make it stick?

Signed, Aghast in Agincourt

Dear Ag,

Couldn’t say for sure.  I once knew a ghost who was caught flashing, but they couldn’t pin anything on him.

Dear Morticia,

I’m a firm believer in the Occult and participate regularly in seances.  Are you a medium?

Signd, Spirtually Inclined

Dear Inc,

Nope, I’m a large.  Especially where it counts, hon.

Dear Morticia,

Do you actually get all this ridiculous mail, or do you make it up yourself?

Signed Sceptic

Dear Scep,

Of course I don’t make it up!  I have a ghostwriter.

Unless you all go out and buy my book, expect more Graveyard humour next week